All the way to the building this morning a voice in my head keeps step with my feet. I am not equipped, it says.
I am not equipped.
I am not equipped.
It is referring to my inability to deal with the Virginia Tech shootings. Nothing inside me to rationalize that act. Nothing inside to not let it get to me, shake me deep down, frighten me, make me wonder why any of us brings children into this world, ships them off to college, watches them die. Brutal. Senseless.
We have the right adjectives. Not the right mechanisms to deal.
My mother-in-law turned to me on Sunday, we were sitting in Em’s guitar recital, and said “I weighed 112 pounds when Jo was born.” We’d been talking about cleaning out closets. She was wearing a beautiful Mexican woven shirt that brought out the green and purple in her eyes.
“One hundred and twelve pounds,” I said, “I can’t imagine.”
“Well, David had died,” she said, “and I couldn’t eat anything.” David is–was–Jim’s younger brother by 15 months. He died when Jim was six. Leukemia.
I am not equipped. I would wither and die myself. I would go on a rampage myself. No, I would never, ever do that.
I remember the morning the airplanes flew into the towers. I was driving up the hill to work. I turned around, turned my car around and went back home. Called all my staff, told them to go home.
I remember the March day we started the war in Iraq. We’d been advised at work not to talk about it. We’re a multinational company. People of all colors, nationalities, religions. I walked through my day wanting to scream, It’s war, you fools!!
I am not equipped. I go through my day, do my work. I want to cry.
ybonesy,
Living overseas kind of isolates me from these tragedies that happen in the USA. I still can’t watch anything about 9-11. When I see footage of it, it still makes me cringe.
Yesterday’s incident at Virginia Tech was/is surreal. One of my former students is attending that school. She was the first one I thought of. I have her sister currently in my science class.
I didn’t know what to do, so at the end of the day, I asked this student if she had heard the news about VT. “No” was her smiling response, “What about it? What’s going on?” Then I explained. She got kind of scared and worried. I guess if something tragic concerning her sister and brother at the university, she would have been called home.
News this morning was, Heather, the former student of mine, was suppose to be in class at the building, in the very classroom, where the shootings took place. She over slept. Fate? Miracle? Luck? or just the randomness of Life?
mm
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Oh my God! Wow, MM, I don’t know what to say. All of the above.
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mm,
That gives me chills.
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This has made me think a lot about my profession. I’ve had a student once say if he had a gun, he’d shoot me in the head. Lots of unstable people out there.
It has also made me think of the gun culture of the USA. I own guns (in storage at my mom’s and brother’s). I like owning guns, I like shooting my guns occationally, but when I think about the power of my guns, its creepy. So creepy, I put them away and don’t look at them, even when I have the opportunity.
The problem goes back to the old addage, “When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Which is the case here in Venezuela. It is impossible to buy a handgun here, yet the #1 cause of death of young men, 15 – 30 or so, is murder by handgun. So prohibition doesn’t work either.
I am at a loss.
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One more thing…looking at the MSNBC coverage with my Intensive English students this morning. We saw the story of the dorm R.A. that was killed. Made me kind of cry and didn’t even know this guy, but he sounded like a great person.
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mm,
“The problem goes back to the old addage, “When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Which is the case here in Venezuela. It is impossible to buy a handgun here, yet the #1 cause of death of young men, 15 – 30 or so, is murder by handgun. So prohibition doesn’t work either.”
This reminds me of something my partner told me, something she learned about in her Religion and Psychology class this year. I think it was Freud that said if we didn’t have laws, rules, and regulations, the world would run only on basic animal instincts and it would be a crazy place to live.
I have to believe that’s true. But look at all the laws we *do* have and it’s still a crazy place to live. Where did this kid get his guns? And what were they doing on campus?
It’s nuts. I haven’t seen the footage of the RA yet. I watched a little last night, then had to turn it off. The media coverage gets to me. The press is just starting to cover the human aspect though, instead of trying to lay blame on campus police. Thank god for that.
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WRITING PRACTICE RECALL:
***a voice in my head keeps step with my feet***
I am not equipped
I am not equipped
I am not equipped
the Virginia Tech shootings
Nothing inside me
shake me deep down
frighten me
wonder why any of us brings children into this world
ships them off to collge
watches them die
Brutal
Senseless
***righ adjectives. Not the right mechanisms to deal***
****My mother-in-law turned to me on Sunday, we were sitting in em’s guitar recital, and said “I weighed 112 pounds when Jo was born.” We’d been talking about cleaning out closets. She was wearing a beautiful Mexican woven shirt tha brought out the green and purple in her eyes.
“One hundred and twelve pounds,” I said, “I can’t imagine.”
“Well, David had died,” she said, “and I couldn’t eat anything.”****
Jim’s younger brother by 15 months
Jim was six
Leukemia
I am not equipped
I would wither and die
I would go on a rampage
No, I would never, ever do that
airplanes flew into the towers
driving up the hill to work
turned my car around
went back home
Called all my staff
told them to go home
March day we started the war in Iraq
***advised at work not to talk about it***
multinational company
People of all colors, nationalities, religions
****walked through my day wanting to scream, It’s war, you fools!!***
I am not equipped
I go through my day
do my work
I want to cry
*powerful practice
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I’ve been reading all your practice thoughts and most are feelings I have felt also. But if you really think about it , there are still many caring ,honest, loving people in this world.
Sure there are many on the edge waiting to explode also.
Right here on this blog are examples of the good ones. Look at all the ones at VTech that are at that vigil! I think they outnumber the few that create the havoc in our world. There is still hope for us mortals and all the Angels are here with us too. Don’t give up, just look up and pray to whomever your higher being is. Without hope there is nothing.
I have six wonderful children that pulled me through a lot of down times. When we can’t do it for ourselves, then do it for a loved one!!!!
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Amelia your post is right on.
When I heard that Bush was speaking today in Blacksburg I recalled how LBJ reassured the nation after Bobby Kennedy was shot. “Two hundred million Americans did not shoot down Robert Kennedy,” he said (more or less).
It is so reassuring to read your words, to be reminded that there is an overwhelming goodness.
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Back to the rules. It is true that outlawing guns won’t solve everything. But does that mean we shouldn’t try? Look at the Civil Rights movement. Long, slow, lots of backsteps. Look at Mother Teresa who told us that if she hadn’t stopped and picked up that first leper in Kolkatta, she would never have done all she did.
We have to raise the consciousness. Instead of Venezuela, look at Canada. And make our own way, one slow step at a time.
There is lots of good here, as Amelia points out. We need to feed on that.
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Yes, Amelia. Good point. It’s about the love. I watched a little of the coverage tonight. You could see the grief in George & Laura’s eyes, too. There were the tears of one father who had lost a daughter; a mother whose child had made it through. All people pulling through together. That’s what it takes. You are right. We all pull each other through. We do it for each other!
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I watched until about 9:30 last night then fell into bed exhausted. I didn’t see the vigil, but I did cry again when I read your comments.
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