This assumption lets us off the hook. “Nothing others do is because of you.” You’re not the center of the world. You’re not the cause of others’ anguish. You own what you do; they own what they do.
That sounds easy. Do I take things personally? I like to think that this particular agreement is not as hard for me as some of the others. I know I can’t recall a time recently when I took something personally. Although, my head is fuzzy. I stayed up late and got up early.
There’s a soft glow in the room. It comes from the orange paper globe lantern that Jim hung from the ceiling. I bought it last summer. It’s one of those home improvement things that you buy and then don’t actually install. I do that a lot with things I buy that I know will make my spaces more beautiful. I have a few paintings like that. I haven’t gotten them framed, or I haven’t hung them yet. There should be an agreement “Don’t get stuck.”
But there’s not. There’s “Don’t take things personally.” That’s what I’m writing about. Feeling insulted or sometimes feeling envied. I know there have been times in my life where I’ve said to myself, “Oh, so-and-so is doing that because she wants to copy me.” In fact, isn’t that one of those things we tell ourselves when we’re young? Don’t our parents sometimes tell us that to help us cope?
I’m thinking now of this playground scene, it seems my childhood has been distilled to one playground scene. I remember standing between two rows of classroom barracks. I’m actually riding on Barbara’s back. She’s given me a lift, and Janine is there, and Matthew Martinez, who even as a boy of eight has the face of a grown man.
Wait, I just got a flashback to my dream last night. My parents had made a video where they’re singing, with excellent voices, in Spanish, some ballad. First Dad, he’s so young and has a thick head of hair. While he sings he’s able to walk up on the walls, just walk on walls. The whole family is featured in the video, singing and dancing. I keep saying to the person who’s watching it with me, “There I am!” but then I realize that one’s my sister Janet. Or, “There I am!” but then it’s Bobbi. At the very end, I see me, it is me, I’m a baby. Mom holds me while she belts out some tune, and I am in awe. In my dream, the person watching the video, I am in awe. My parents and family rock!
The dream must have come from something Jim and I watched on PBS about Little Joe y la Familia and other Latino musicians. I was cooking pork and a sauce made with port wine and balsamic vinegar, listening to the television and now and then glancing over to see who was talking. The guy from Los Lobos was saying how he and his brothers all grew up playing music. They’d buy instruments that they didn’t know how to play and then seek out the Viejo musicians to teach them.
Music was a part of my family, too. Mom played piano, Dad harmonica. They played together and sing, old songs, ballads. Spanish and English both. Mom said she grew up on music. They lived in the country and that’s what they did for fun. Everyone learned a different instrument.
I never learned how to play anything. But my sisters and I always sang. We’d stand in front of the fireplace, even grown women, I picture us standing in front of fireplaces, as if the fireplace were our stage. And we’d sing, silly songs. Going to the chapel and we’re go—nna get mar-ar-ar-ried. Our repertoire was pretty small.
Ah, the timer. If I were in a writing retreat with Natalie, here’s where she’d say “Wrap it up,” and I’d try to write some pithy line that pulls it all together. Unfortunately, nothing can pull together a writing practice about an agreement that I hardly touched on, a playground scene, and a dream about my family making a musical video when I was a baby.
-Related to post WRITING TOPIC — THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. Also see ybonesy’s PRACTICE: Don’t Make Assumptions — 15mins, and QuoinMonkey’s PRACTICE — Don’t Make Assumptions – 15mins.
So nice to hear about your dream, it was well-fleshed out, Roma. You have here a great lead as well for more writing – the being in between the two portables on someone’s back, which is part of the envy from others thing maybe.
I like how anecdotal really ‘shows’ the meaning. Maybe the whole fireplace as stage is a metaphor for being raised to be strong in your own sense of yourself which would carry over to the agreement, would you say?
Personally, I relate to the singing as a family. Our family has done a lot of that in the car …
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yb, my family would gather around a piano or organ and sing old sings. We stopped for some reason I don’t know.
Maybe the dream about you seeing yourself and then realizing the person is one of your sisters, not you just says that you carry parts of them in you and you do “look” like them in spirit.
We are, in fact, everyone we meets. I loved the image of your mother belting out a song as she rocked you. Something comforting about the Mother holding you and singing to you. Maybe that’s a reflection of your life and your relationship to the world.
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This agreement is a difficult one for me to deal with. I have learned over the years to bear the teasing and insults of other people and not fight back although in recent years (the older I get) I’m less likely to let things pass.
Intellectually I understand that people yelling at me is their stuff (I initially wrote, “…is my stuff”…that’s Freudian). Emotionally I can’t help but feel the attack and take it personally. Haven’t we all been told that others can see us for what we really are? Haven’t we suffered from the “you are not worthy” teachings of our religions? Our culture? The prejudices that surround us?
This one takes lots of work and an ability to stand back and establish a distance between the words and the feelings we have about them. I’m not good at that all of the time.
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I love the loose, cozy chaos in this piece. True, you didn’t quite tie it together, but I sense some continuity in there.
The thread I hear, beginning with “Don’t take anything personally,” is a strong sense of self. You must have that to abide by the principle you began with. The flashback, undeveloped though it was, and the dream demonstrate your sense of self.
That dream is awesome. Your father can walk on walls like Spiderman. Wow! Obviously a super-hero.
Maybe you said everything there is to say about that theme. Sure, you could elaborate and illustrate ad infinitum, but what would that really add?
Brava! I hear your message, loud and clear.
But wait! I just realized something profound: You may not take it personally, but I predict many of us are going to be more aware of not taking things personally, and we’ll do it BECAUSE YOU brought it to our attention. We are writing comments because YOU tickled our thoughts. We don’t live in a vacuum. May all our influence spring from love.
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[…] to post WRITING TOPIC — THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. Also see ybonesy’s PRACTICE: Don’t Take Anything Personally — 15min, PRACTICE: Don’t Make Assumptions — 15mins, and QuoinMonkey’s PRACTICE — […]
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Thanks for such great comments. I do want to write more on this, C.C. Interesting thought on fireplace as stage metaphor–I’d like to think that yes, says something about sense of self.
Ah, the idea of Dad walking on walls like Spiderman–my superhero–see, I wouldn’t have connected that, and yet it makes perfect sense!? Of course! Seeing a movie about my family and myself, it is about Self, isn’t it? Sounds like all of you have experience in translating dreams. There is so much practical in the translation.
After I wrote this and headed out for the day, I remembered a recent incident where I took something personally. Ah, I told myself, of course you take things personally! But it was good to remember, because as soon as I did, I could feel that resentment melt away.
Not so easy after all, but so true that the awareness is the first step.
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I enjoyed it. The rambling-ness (probably not a word) of it was smooth and easy.
I often wonder about the timing of things. This is something I need to work on lately, to learn not to take anything personally.
Before I start to ramble on about the why’s of it right here and now, perhaps I should sit down and do my own writing practice with this topic.
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RECALL:
lets us off the hook
Nothing others do is because of you
soft glow
orange paper globe lantern that Jim hung from the ceiling
one of those home improvement things that you buy and then don’t actually install
There should be an agreement “Don’t get stuck.”
she wants to copy me
my childhood has been distilled to one playground scene
Barbara
Janine
Matthew Martinez, who even as a boy of eight has the face of a grown man
he’s able to walk up on the walls, just walk on walls
it is me, I’m a baby. Mom holds me while she belts out some tune
Little Joe y la Familia
pork and a sauce made with port wine and balsamic vinegar
Los Lobos
buy instruments that they didn’t know how to play and then seek out the Viejo musicians to teach them
Mom played piano, Dad harmonica. They played together and sing, old songs, ballads. Spanish and English both. Mom said she grew up on music. They lived in the country and that’s what they did for fun. Everyone learned a different instrument.
I never learned how to play anything. But my sisters and I always sang.
Going to the chapel and we’re go—nna get mar-ar-ar-ried
in a writing retreat with Natalie, here’s where she’d say “Wrap it up,”
I’d try to write some pithy line that pulls it all together
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Thanks for taking the time to do RECALL, QM. 🙂
Robin, hope you did do that writing practice. Thanks for stopping by.
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I did, YB. It was interesting (but too personal to post). Thank you for the topic. 🙂
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