It’s hard not to make assumptions. I make general assumptions about the way I think people should live every day. I expect honesty, forthrightness, that people are generally good. I expect people to honor their word, and want to believe they are telling the truth. These are all assumptions. Then I start thinking about values, how assumptions are made according to the values we hold. People assume that everyone is straight. At least 10% of the population is not, probably much more. When I think about it, I can’t really afford to make assumptions — if I don’t want people to make assumptions about me.
Finding the courage to communicate clearly — that takes some doing. It’s easy to chatter through the day, talk, talk, talk. People love to talk. But what about when it really comes down to it. To life and death situations, to a need to get one’s affairs in order, to ask for help, to talk about what’s hard, to deal with the things we don’t really want to face. I might dash off into my head, get brooding or quiet. That’s the way I process. Tapping away at words. Words are meaningless without the ability to communicate clearly. I am lost on this Topic.
Maybe Don’t Make Assumptions is connected to Be Impeccable With Your Word. On the assumption end, you are focusing on the other person, on believing that their world doesn’t revolve around you. Let that go. On the impeccable end, you are trying to make sure you can live up to your word, to the agreements you make with other people. Sometimes they are small, like following through on emptying the trash or changing the cat litter, washing the dishes. Sometimes they are big, like legal contracts, paying the mortgage or your rent, or showing up to work on time. What does it take to be there for your family, your friends?
I have not been focused this week. My thoughts scatter when I try to make sense of life events that just don’t make any sense. Who was it that said things would make sense? They don’t. Sometimes I wonder if the things I fear the most have to do with death, abandonment, being left behind. I don’t feel like I have my own affairs in order. Not yet. And there is still so much I want to do. But I don’t have control over how long I will live. Or how long those close to me will survive.
I can’t assume I will live a long life. And neither can you. That leaves this moment. And whatever’s happened in the past. To come to terms with the past, I study history. At the global, local, and family level. To make sense of the present, I write. I take photos. I mull things over. I try to be true to my word. I am not always successful. The agreements, for me, are more what I learned in Writing Practice. To make positive effort for the good. To continue under all circumstances. To not be tossed away. These are spiritual agreements, like the Four Agreements, like the Golden Rule. They are words to live by, impossible to follow, necessary for survival, tools that make relationships sing.
The people I respect the most stick their necks out for others, take risks, show gratitude, learn to live with the criticism of imperfection. Eleanor Roosevelt, Amelia Earhart, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Martin Luther King, Sitting Bull. This practice is all in the abstract. I cannot name names or even explain what I really mean. My eyelids are heavy. I said I would post this Writing Practice. I am sticking to my word. Perhaps my heart really isn’t into the writing. The rain washed away my sadness. But not my worry. I dreamed of a freshwater lake the size of the Moon, concentric rings forming a circle that wraps around. Unbroken.
-Related to Topic post: WRITING TOPIC — THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
QM, the writing practice mirrors your state of mind, the grappling for sense of the seemingly nonsensical and an attempt to put meaning on the theoretical. That’s how I interpreted your write.
I have thought about yb’s comments since I first read them. I like what you said about the relationship of “being impeccable with your words” and “don’t make assumptions.” I see how they are related.
We make assumptions about people, things and situations because we don’t always have time to do an in-depth analysis before we must act. Perhaps that goes back to our cave days when a moment’s hesitation might mean we became lunch for some other creature.
In a world that is often deceitful with their words, we do ourselves a disservice by making assumptions. At the same time, we cannot abandon assumptions across the board or we would become less functional human beings. Still mulling this concept over.
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Bob, I agree with you. We sure can’t abandon assumptions across the board. They keep us alive. When I meet someone, on the street or at a gathering, I am scanning and taking in data, making in assumptions about who they are. When the world gets crazy, that can keep me safe. Other times, I guess, many times with people closer to me, I think I know more what they think or feel (an assumption) and that is dangerous territory.
At the same time, it helps me to grow. And to look at my own mistakes, my own judgements about people. In a way, assumptions are judgments; at least, that’s the way it appears.
It’s been a crazy week for me where my assumptions about people and relationships started to hit me hard. I was out of sorts on Friday. But going to help some friends who had water in their basement yesterday, hanging with Liz and the cats, IM’ing with my brother, connecting with Mom, (and escaping into Ironman for a while with Robert Downey, Jr.!) helped turn me around.
Along with that cleansing rain. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to stand there in the labyrinth at our friends’ house, just stand there in the rain. And then to get drenched while taking the photographs of the roses. Nature helps turn me around.
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I know in my job, when I’m working on developing a new program, I have to lay down a few assumptions in the absence of facts. Most models, financial or economic, require assumptions.
But when you start making assumptions about what someone close to you is thinking, and or why that person is acting a certain way, that’s when the assumptions can be damaging. Why not clarify? Ask. And don’t assume that others know what you need or think. Be direct. Those are the kinds of assumptions that I try not to make.
QM, you were impeccable with your word: I said I would post this Writing Practice. I am sticking to my word. Right on!
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“Finding the courage to communicate clearly”…QM, I have a dear friend that went to Juarez Mexico this morning on a mission for an Orphanage…and I could not find the right words. I was so sick with fear, in the moment when I needed something important, nothing came. I pray they know how I feel. You are so right about talking about what’s hard.
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yb, thanks. I did honor my word on the post. It feels good to be doing Writing Practice again on red Ravine. Good point about laying down assumptions in the absence of facts in the work environment. Work can be a different animal altogether, especially at the theoretical level. Then, with coworkers, we are sometimes thrown into work with people we’d rarely socialize with in our personal lives. It really helps to follow the agreements in situations like that.
Heather, I bet they sensed how you felt. It’s so hard to be direct with people, especially about things that might be sensitive or hard to talk about. I don’t think I’ve heard you say you didn’t have the words before. Must have been a difficult moment.
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[…] Ah, the timer. If I were in a writing retreat with Natalie, here’s where she’d say “Wrap it up,” and I’d try to write some pithy line that pulls it all together. Unfortunately, nothing can pull together a writing practice about an agreement that I hardly touched on, a playground scene, and a dream about my family making a musical video when I was a baby. -Related to post WRITING TOPIC — THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. Also see ybonesy’s PRACTICE: Don’t Make Assumptions — 15mins, and QuoinMonkey’s PRACTICE — Don’t Make Assumptions – 15mins. […]
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[…] -Related to post WRITING TOPIC — THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. Also see ybonesy’s PRACTICE: Don’t Take Anything Personally — 15min, PRACTICE: Don’t Make Assumptions — 15mins, and QuoinMonkey’s PRACTICE — Don’t Make Assumptions – 15mins. […]
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