In 1997, Toltec nagual (shaman) don Miguel Ruiz published a small book called The Four Agreements. The book laid out in practical terms four agreements one can make with oneself, a code of conduct to live by to transform one’s life. The idea is that these four agreements would replace or at least augment the many agreements we’ve carried with us since we were children—many harmful to our well-being—about our self-worth, our abilities, and life in general.
I learned about the book in 2000, after a particularly difficult year. I was on the brink of leaving my career. I was struggling in my marriage and with being a mother. I was unhappy and didn’t know what to do about it. My boss at the time, with whom my relationship was all but broken, gave me the book. She had just returned from a short sabbatical from work. She seemed transformed and credited the change to the wisdom of Ruiz. She handed out copies of the book to members of her staff, and then within a matter of a few weeks or months, she retired.
I remember when she gave me the book, at first I saw it as an olive branch. I had at one point before my boss left on her sabbatical become so enraged at her over matters at work that I let loose with a verbal assault that surprised even me. In my younger days I had the mouth of a sailor, but I rarely let my emotions get out of hand. Not so that year. I dropped the F-bomb on my boss like it was going out of style. In hindsight, it was amazing that she didn’t fire me for insubordination. That she could give me any gift at all seemed hugely generous.
Later, when I opened the book and saw what it contained, I took the gift as an insult. A category tag on the back of the book identified it as Personal Growth / Self-Help. I felt my former boss was trying to tell me that that I needed help; I was immature enough then to believe that I was perfectly fine and that she was the one who needed help. Reluctantly I read the book.
Fast forward to 2010. I think about my former boss now and again. I know now that not only did I in fact need help those many years ago, The Four Agreements was exactly the right kind of help. Had I been living them at the time, I would not have made the assumption that my former boss was giving me the book as way of trying to tell me something.
Recently I had the opportunity, thanks to the generosity of my good friend Patty, to see don Miguel Ruiz in Albuquerque and hear him and his son, don Jose Ruiz, talk about a new book they jointly wrote called The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery. This was the first time I’d seen either Ruiz in person. I didn’t take notes during the packed talk. I sat in the back of the Unitarian church where they spoke. I listened with an open heart. After the talk, the elder Ruiz left (we learned he had only partial heart functioning after a near-fatal heart attack in 2002) while the younger stayed in the church and signed books.
light and love, photos of Patty (left) and Roma with don Jose Ruiz, emanating light and love, May 19, 2010, Albuquerque, photos © 2010, all rights reserved.
Don Miguel Ruiz came from a family of healers. His mother was a curandera and his grandfather a nagual. From the book jacket of The Four Agreements, “The family anticipated that Miguel would embrace their centuries-old legacy of healing and teaching, and carry forward the esoteric Toltec knowledge. Instead, distracted by modern life, Miguel chose to attend medical school and become a surgeon.”
After nearly losing his life in a car accident, Ruiz devoted himself to becoming a nagual. He has passed on the knowledge to his son, Jose Luis, and together they are promoting The Fifth Agreement. I am reading The Fifth Agreement now, and already it has hit home for me the wisdom and power of that original small book.
I have in small but perceptible ways been transformed by Ruiz’s four agreements. They’re not easy to live by. Some are harder than others. Some I recall daily. Here they are, with a short excerpt about each:
be impeccable with your word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
don’t take anything personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
don’t make assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
always do your best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Perhaps you are familiar with don Miguel Ruiz and his books of wisdom, or maybe this is the first time you’ve heard of any of this. In either case, reflect on the four agreements and think about what they mean to you. Write each agreement at the top of your notebook and then do a 10- or 15-minute Writing Practice on each one. If this is your first exposure to this Toltec wisdom, buy the books or check them out from your local library and take the time to learn more about them and their author. Let us know if your writings about the agreements resonate with the writings in the books.
I really enjoy the tone in your writing, Roma. It is neat to hear about how these agreements have been important for you and I wonder if your writing reflects your practice of these? Like it seems you are being careful with your words and true to yourself in what words you write.
It feel good to revisit The Four Agreements. And so reassuring to hear from someone else that they are difficult cause that’s how I find ’em.
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That is an excellent point, Cirrelda, about being impeccable with your written words. One of the basic components of both The Four Agreements and The Fifth Agreement is the idea of what we think is real versus what is real. When I read the books, I think of the Zen idea of Monkey Mind (what we think is real) and awareness without thinking (what is real). In The Fifth Agreement, the authors talk about how self-mastery comes from being skeptical of those lifetime of agreements we’ve made with ourselves and being Aware, in the moment, and knowing that all those other virtual realities are not the real you.
This Toltec wisdom is universal. It resonates with Zen practice and thus, Writing Practice (given that Natalie Goldberg developed Writing Practice out of meditation practice and an awareness of everything). Interestingly, when I do Writing Practice, perhaps I am at my truest with my word.
On the other hand, being impeccable with my word is most difficult for me while I’m speaking (out loud and in my head) and relating to others. Ways that I’m not impeccable with my word? Making commitments and then letting them slip, little commitments like telling the girls I’ll take them somewhere or that we’ll do something, or self-criticizing with that voice in my head.
Ruiz says this is the most important of the four agreements. For me it is the most difficult.
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yb, I checked to see if my library carried the book, The Four Agreements, and it doesn’t, but the interesting thing is that I recognized the cover as a book I’ve read. Now I’m trying to figure out when and where I would have seen it. Oh, well, the book is on hold and I’ll read it again some day soon.
Those four agreements appear very difficult. I think “Don’t take things personally” would be the most difficult for me to do although I’ve gotten better over the last few years.
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So neat to hear the layers of your writing practice fleshed out, Roma, and how the Ruiz teachings of the Toltec dovetail with important values learned through Goldberg about Zen.
Writing allows more process time and with that comes our sincerity, IF we have used writing enough, I think. It is a great rehearsal for speaking (though speaking tends to be rehearsal for writing). I like so much knowing these connections you have shown!!!
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SloWalker,
I keep the Four Agreements hanging in my cubical so I can read them at work daily. Three of them have never been a real problem. I’m easy going, work hard and hate gossip by nature…but taking things personal can be troublesome. If they could just come up with a non toxic “Immunization shot” administered in the arm… to ward off others opinions and moods…I’d be dandy. Until them, I will keep repeating #2 as loudly as needed.
And Thank you for sharing this. I did not know about his Mother. I just decided to get certified in Herbology myself and there is a young woman in my class who’s Grandmother in also a Curandera. It’s all fascinating.
BTW The photos are darling! Your hair looks great yb!
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Thanks, Heather. That’s three months of growth if you can believe it!
My mantra for not taking things personally–“this isn’t about you!”
Very cool about the Herbology certification. Very useful knowledge, how to use nature to heal oneself. Keep us posted on your progress.
C.C., your second comment reminds me of how satisfying it is to write letters. D’s 8th grade graduation (and high school commencement) ceremony on Thursday included a speech about letters and how it’s sad to think that young people today might never have a box filled with love letters or unfold crinkled yellowing paper and have some memento drop out.
I still have a letter my dad wrote to me when he felt we couldn’t speak. Yes, writing as rehearsal for speaking. Very true.
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Bob, it’s the kind of simple book that I think one might read and then tuck away and kind of forget about.
I know after I first read it, I tucked it away. The content would come and go for me. The two agreements “Don’t make assumptions” and “Don’t take things personally” stuck with me the most and slowly became part of my practice. But “Be impeccable with your word” was tough — I do like gossip at times — and for the life of me I couldn’t remember the fourth agreement. Although now I do.
Looking forward to hearing if you ever recall when you read it the first time, Bob.
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Whenever I’m really stuck in a relationship (or situation) and can only see negative, I go back to The Four Agreements. It’s a place to start when I’m mad, sad, frustrated, irritated, helpless, lonely, tired, or feeling put-upon.
I had decided to apply T.F.A. toward someone I work with, and then it turned up on your blog. Perfect.
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What a great opportunity to be able to hear don Miguel Ruiz and his son, don Jose Ruiz, speak. I read this book when it first came out, and, I believe, about twice since then. It’s somewhere on my bookshelf and I want to go dig it out again after reading your piece.
I’m looking forward to doing Writing Practice on the Four Agreements. The healer aspect of the author’s background makes sense with the nature of the book. It’s like a shaman or clergy or sensei. People who try to encourage us to look at life at the spiritual level every day we are living.
For me, they are all difficult to do on a day-to-day basis. I think Don’t Make Assumptions is the one I have to work on the most each day — in my own thought processes. Or thinking I know what people are thinking or what they mean without actually asking them for sure. It’s easy to make snap judgements like that.
It’s also hard to be impeccable with one’s word. And I think we are all going to slip in that area. For me, the trick is to then own up to the fact that I might not have been able to keep my word. To accept responsibility, admit it, move on. No one is perfect. I want to read the 5th Agreement now. Will have to check it out.
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Teri, I also find myself leaning on the four agreements if I find I’m stuck in relating to a particular person, either in general or in a specific situation. I think if you only follow “Don’t take anything personally” in relating to others, that alone will do wonders. I also share that one a lot with my kids. It’s good for distancing oneself from high emotions or drama. I also think it’s a form of humility, to remind yourself that you don’t cause others’ reactions. We are each the masters of our emotions, actions, reactions.
QM, interestingly one of the things that los Ruiz talk about in The Fifth Agreement is that everyone IS perfect, and that the idea that nobody is perfect is one of the agreements we’ve made with ourselves from when we were small and our parents would say, Nobody’s perfect. So that’s one of the old agreements that they say we should replace. We are perfect. I guess it’s another way of saying that the mistakes we make, those are perfect, too.
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Yes, I see where he’s coming from with the perfection piece. We are all perfect as we are. We were born with everything we need. I am enough, I have enough, there is enough for everyone.
Oddly, I used to find the nobody’s perfect line from my parents to be strangely comforting. I kind of liked knowing that I didn’t have to be perfect, that I could make mistakes. You nailed it == the mistakes we make are perfect, too.
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[…] And when we’re not impeccable, like I can tend to be at times, that’s human. But for the most part people are good. We just make mistakes, all of us, at different times. Sometimes we go through many years making the same mistakes, and other times, maybe when we’re older, we start to see our patterns and try harder to not repeat them. -Related to post WRITING TOPIC — THE FOUR AGREEMENTS […]
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I would recommend this book to everyone. Thank you for bringing this book to the attention of all your readers. The Four Agreements advocates personal freedom from erroneous beliefs that we have made with ourselves that are creating limitation and unhappiness in our lives. Ultimately, this book is about finding one’s own integrity, inner peace and a deeper sense of personal fulfillment. Get your copy today!
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