By Bob Chrisman
It would strain the imagination of anyone to believe I have escaped false accusations in my long life, so I won’t try. Early on, the world taught me that attention and praise attracted mean and nasty comments from other people. My life’s goal became to blend in with the world around me, to not stick out. That never worked for me.
The song, This Little Light of Mine, from my childhood Sunday school keeps running through my mind. The lyrics tell us to let our lights “shine, shine, shine” and never “hide it under a bushel.” I tried to hide my light, but I might as well have tried to hide the Sun. Took me almost forty years to raise my light. I admitted to myself that I couldn’t dim the brightness.
One consequence of shining brightly is being accused of doing things I didn’t do. High profile people make easy targets for unhappy foes. I know lots of people. I know lots of things about lots of people. I know lots of secret things about lots of people. They’ve told me their secrets. As a result, I’m sometimes the first person who comes to mind when someone feels betrayed because one of their secrets got out.
First, a secret is something that not more than one person knows. Secrets lose their secret-ness when two or more people know. If you want to keep a secret, don’t tell anyone else.
The most hurtful thing I have been accused of doing was telling a secret I didn’t even know. The person confronted me with my alleged indiscretion. “How could you tell him about that incident?” he demanded. “What reason could you have had for divulging that embarrassing information?”
“But, I didn’t even know about that situation. How could I tell anyone else?”
“You liar. I’m giving you a chance to come clean. How can you stand here in front of me and lie to my face?”
I toyed with the idea of admitting my guilt, even though I hadn’t told. Then I could throw myself on his mercy. I wanted to remain friends, but I hadn’t done anything. I repeatedly denied any part in telling the secret.
“You aren’t my friend anymore.” He ended the drama by stomping out of the room and slamming the door. We haven’t spoken since that confrontation.
Later I learned that he found out who told the secret. That betrayer and the betrayed forgave and forgot. They remain friends to this day. Sometimes knowing that bit of information hurts more than the false accusation.
-Related to topic post WRITING TOPIC – 3 QUESTIONS. [NOTE: This is the second of three questions mentioned by actor and writer Anna Deavere Smith in an interview with Bill Moyers (see link). She talked about the questions in the context of interviewing people and listening to them. The three questions came from a linguist Smith met at a cocktail party in 1979; the questions were, according to the linguist, guaranteed to break the patterns and change the way people are expressing themselves. QuoinMonkey, ybonesy, and frequent guest writer Bob Chrisman take on the three questions by doing a Writing Practice on each.]
-Also related to posts: PRACTICE: Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (by ybonesy), PRACTICE: Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (by Bob Chrisman), PRACTICE — Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (QuoinMonkey)
What a great opening line Bob! Keep shining buddy!
And THE guy…his loss. Some folks just can’t own up to being W-R-O-N-G. Who need em! Let em’ bounce off each other like wind-up toys.
“well…we all shine on”…”like the moon and the stars and the sun…” I’m singing this Bob…so thank God you can’t hear me;)
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[…] (by Bob Chrisman), PRACTICE — Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (QuoinMonkey); and PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? (by Bob […]
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[…] 15min (by Bob Chrisman), PRACTICE — Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (QuoinMonkey), PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? (by Bob Chrisman), and PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? […]
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anuevuestudio, the end result still bothers me even though I know the friendship wasn’t much of one if he won’t admit his error. As I grow older I don’t mind so much taking the blame for things I do. I’ve had enough instances that I know it’s better to admit my errors than to try to hide them. Someone always finds out. I guess being right isn’t enough for me. I want him to admit he was wrong. I should know better after all these years.
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Oh, Bob, that is maddening. It’s the justice part that burns. I know that feeling.
You know, I come from a long line of gossipers. I mean, it’s a cultural thing, too. Gossip is a way of bonding, a way of connection, and it’s really wrapped up, too, in people’s insecurities. And sharing other people’s secrets crosses that line into gossip territory.
I think it would be tough to be someone who just by their nature becomes the person others confide in all the time. And usually if someone confides in one person, they’re confiding in other people, too. And holding people’s secrets is a very hard thing to do. I know I’ve let people down in that respect. I think the older I get, the better my ability to be impeccable with my word (to quote one of the Four Agreements) but that wasn’t always the case.
Your piece, when I read it last night after writing my own, immediately brought to mind an incident that happened when I was about 10, 11. It had to do with my writing in my journal something that a neighbor girl confided in me. I was there for a sleepover because my older sister was babysitting while the parents were out of town.
I left my journal at the house and the next day the mom was waiting for me at the bus stop so that we could drive around and talk about what was in my journal. I need to write about that incident.
Writing these pieces together is a pretty wild and amazing process. I’m glad we’re doing it.
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yb, gossip serves another purpose: it gives people a sense of what is going on in the world around them, particularly when a lot of secrecy abounds in a society or group of people. The more secret a government, institution, or group becomes, the more gossip there is about what is going on.
I experienced that when I worked for the governments. If people didn’t know what was happening or why it was happening they tended to gossip.
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So true, Bob. Certainly a good lesson for those who run entities to learn and know.
When people are secretive or private, it seems they often create a sense of mystery about them, whether purposely or not. I kind of like that. I admire people who don’t divulge a lot about themselves. I’m certainly not that kind of person.
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[…] 15min (by Bob Chrisman), PRACTICE — Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (QuoinMonkey), PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? (by Bob Chrisman); PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? (by […]
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[…] 15min (by Bob Chrisman), PRACTICE — Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (QuoinMonkey), PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? — 15min (by Bob Chrisman); PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? — […]
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[…] 15min (by Bob Chrisman), PRACTICE — Have You Ever Come Close To Death? — 15min (QuoinMonkey), PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? — 15min (by Bob Chrisman); PRACTICE: Have You Ever Been Accused Of Doing Something You Didn’t Do? — […]
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omg..i’m the same situation and i feel so bad about it!!! dont know what to do!!!
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