By Jill L. Ferguson
At the age of four his feet first crossed the stage,
miniature violin tucked under his chin, audience rapt
from the first symphonic note. He held and released
each tone picturing it hover like a bird in flight,
closing his eyes into the sound. After the applause,
words he did not understand swirled in the air:
prodigy, virtuoso, artiste. Parents brought
their children to see him. Look at Paul play.
See how he feels the music. Why can’t you
play like Paul? You’re not serious enough.
You need to be more like Paul. He hated when
parents said that. He wanted kids to like him.
He was just doing what he loved; it was nothing
special. But throughout his childhood after each
of his recordings, more and more parents wanted
progeny like Paul, and more and more of his
classmates shunned him. Playing the violin became
his Damocles’ sword, so he tried the drugs
the other kids dug. He smoked the pot and popped
the pills, snorted the lines and licked the LSD into his
system while welcoming oblivion. Then back in his dorm
he consoled himself with Schubert and Rachmaninoff,
Brahms and Beethoven. On stages far from campus
he still made mad love to the violin. And afterwards,
he ignored the parents’ prodding of their youngsters,
connect with complete strangers, and drown out the
evening’s envy with drugs, drink, and destructive sex.
He repeated the pattern again and again as seriously as he
practiced any symphony or concerto. Then, during orchestra
rehearsal one day at the age of 23, he was called
to the clinic. Now, he caresses his violin
as his lifelong lover, and he is positive
no one should want to be like Paul.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Jill L. Ferguson won the Out of The Blue Films, Inc. ENVY Contest at red Ravine for poem/prose Like Paul. As 1st Prize winner, Jill received an Amazon Kindle.
You can find out more about Jill at her website and review books she has authored and co-authored at this Amazon link.
Congratulations, Jill, from Out of The Blue Films, Inc. and red Ravine!
__________________________________________________________________________________________
red Ravine is not liable for any actions by Out of The Blue Films, Inc., nor the Film. red Ravine has no legal responsibility for any outcomes from the contest.
This was a sad and heart-wrenching piece. I work in a psychiatric hospital, and I see these things happen all the time–the brightest of minds and talents going to waste.
Jill, congratulations. You captured the story well and wove it beautifully. The ending was truly wonderful. It leaves a little hope that maybe Paul can get the treatment that he needs.
LikeLike
The flip side of Envy. I am fascinated by how this particular emotion, Envy, becomes others’ energy directed at the person envied. And how it effects the one envied and the one doing the envying.
Also, the theme of parental envy when they see the child progeny, whether the talent is in sports or academics, music, art. I don’t know why, but at times the envy parents can feel about an exceptional child who is not theirs, can be more powerful than any other type of envy. Perhaps one’s child is a sort of ultimate reflection of one’s own worth?
LikeLike
Jill, welcome to red Ravine, and I do have a question or two for you if you get a chance. First, I noticed from your website bio that you work at a prestigious music conservatory, and so I was wondering how much of your poem/prose came from the kinds of dynamics you might occasionally see among the musically gifted.
And also, I was interested in the form you picked in general. There is an entire story told in this short poem/prose, and I wondered about your experience with that writing form. Do you do poem/prose often, and do you also write in other forms, such as fiction? I’m also wondering about creative writing perhaps as an outlet to the nonfiction writing that you have done and been published in.
LikeLike
Jill, excellent writing. The story swept me along until the end. Interesting how we can envy someone and not ever know what’s going on inside of them. They might envy us for what we are or do. I am fascinated with prose poems. Do you have any recommendations for books about writing them? Thanks again for this piece.
LikeLike
Thank you to everyone who has commented.
Bob, my favorite books about writing are general books about writing (Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, On Writing by Stephen King, Spider Spin Me a Web by Lawrence Block, among others.) I believe you learn the most about writing poetry (of any kind) from reading excellent poetry, and lots of it. My favorite poet is Sharon Olds. But I also believe this is the best way to learn how to write: by reading excellent writers, and the best writers, even when writing prose, write poetically (the book Three Junes comes to mind, as do the two books by Janet Fitch).
ybonesy, I do write poetry often and most of my poetry is prose poems that tend towards the narrative. I also write fiction. (My first published book, Sometimes Art Can’t Save You, is a novel.) In answer to your first question, much of my writing is based on the things I observe and then process. I do a lot of “what ifs”. For example, I wrote a short story for Amazon.com’s shorts programs called Sometimes She Screams. That story spun out of watching the news about a serial sex offender and wondering what his wife thought about the whole situation. How would one react if the first time one learned about the crimes a loved one committed was during the arrest?
More specifically about envy, when I was pondering this subject I realized it isn’t always a “victimless” deadly sin. I’ve seen plenty of parents who seem like they are trying to live vicariously through their children, even their college-aged children, which is the age group I teach.
LikeLike
Jill, Congratulations! Your piece should be required reading for all parents, especially:
“Why can’t you
play like Paul? You’re not serious enough.
You need to be more like Paul. He hated when
parents said that. He wanted kids to like him.
He was just doing what he loved; it was nothing
special.”
I stand guilty. Parents do some version of this often. Our children are lucky to survive us.
LikeLike
[…] Like Paul « redravine.wordpress.com/2009/10/01/like-paul – view page – cached Jill L. Ferguson won the Out of The Blue Films, Inc. ENVY Contest at red Ravine for poem/prose Like Paul. As 1st Prize winner, Jill received an Amazon Kindle. — From the page […]
LikeLike
Jill, Bravo! What a wonderful work of art. Congrats to you, & you deserve a standing ovation! D
LikeLike
Sad story. Very poignant dissonance.
The story particularly resonates with me because I played the violin from the fourth grade through high school. And how I envied the violinist next to me, her vibrato.
There will always be someone to envy. The character, Paul, may have envied someone, for their Stradivarius perhaps…
LikeLike
Great to hear all the comments above!!! Thank you everyone—
Tricia, I agree… there is always someone to ENVY.
So great to have this conversation blooming, like flowers sprouting up around a formidable weed…
A friend of ours who is a cartoonist just let us know that a piece of work of his which has an ENVY theme will be appearing soon in a major magazine. We’ll keep you posted on that.
LikeLike
Congratulation first off Jill! You beat out some talent!
Excellent story! Kept me downright glued to the screen. The other, “Sometime she screams”, sounds like an interesting plot. How can a new fan find it?
LikeLike
Hi, Anuvestudio,
Thank you for your comments. I’m glad you felt glued to the screen. I’m sure that’s the way we will feel with the ENVY movie.
Sometimes She Screams is available from Amazon.com for .49, if you are interested in reading it. Just search for the title or for my name and it will pop up.
LikeLike
My apologies, Anuvuestudio. I realized I forgot a u in your name.
LikeLike
Jill, congratulations on having the winning entry for the Envy contest with Out of The Blue Films. I apologize for weighing in so late, but I’m adjusting to a new work schedule and am just finding a few moments of silence to read over your piece again.
It’s a beautiful piece. There is a sadness to it. But also wisdom. I think several readers have commented on how there is something or someone that Paul probably envies, too. We all envy. But one of the saddest parts of your poem is the fact that creative gifts — what we are good at, where we shine, god-given talent — sometimes become the envy of others. And to that end, they can become a burden to carry.
It strikes me that if we put as much energy into our own lives, gifts, and talents as we do at envying others’, we would be so much happier. And maybe not care anymore about what other people have that we might not have. I guess it’s human though. To want what we don’t have.
Thank you for participating in the Envy contest with Out of The Blue at red Ravine. Hope you’ll come back and let us know how you like the Kindle! I’ve read so many different takes on electronic versus “real” paper books. Will be curious to know how you like it.
LikeLike
Hi Jill,
I loved your poem. It gave me chills. Thank you for sharing your wonderful words.
In an earlier post you mentioned your novel. What was the “what if” that made you write it?
Thanks!
LikeLike
Hi, Writerfly,
Thank you for your kind words.
Sometimes Art Can’t Save You was a tapestry woven after years of talking to preteens and teens about their problems (especially abuse and self-injury), training social workers about personal safety and listening to their stories, and realizing how much art had helped me process things while I was growing up. At the risk of sounding crazy I will admit I started to hear Jessica in my head, and the what-ifs came in discussions with my husband about how the characters would act and react if certain situations occurred.
LikeLike
This is haunting, Jill; I really love this piece. I meant to comment earlier, I’m sorry I didn’t get this on here until now. Congratulations.
LikeLike
Thank you, Scarasmastra.
LikeLike
Every time I read this poem it evokes a different set of thoughts and feelings from me. It shows such a different perspective on the damage that envy can cause. I applaud the insightfulness of the poet.
LikeLike
Jill,
When I read your piece, I felt like I was Paul, and I didn’t blame him. The need to fit in and be accepted is so powerful, and when we’re young, there’s no maturity to handle it.
I’m glad you won.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for your kind words, Lauren and Sinclair.
LikeLike