Dee got her first cell phone at age ten. A milestone year (and an indulged one), the birthday of her first decade brought a horse, pierced ears, and a flip phone.
It was earlier than we had wanted, and I’m pretty sure she was among the first of ten-year-olds-we-knew to have a mobile phone. But it went with the horse, another accoutrement like the saddle and reins. The phone was essential to keeping in contact with Dee while she went on long trail rides, alone or with friends.
Not that we expected anything bad to happen to her and her one-ton animal, but in the event she needed help or even to alert us that her ride was meandering longer and further than expected, we could be reached. She almost always called us on her rides, mostly to check in. One fall day she left her hoodie on a bush near the river and went back to find it. That day she took twice as long as expected on her ride, which would have had us worried sick had she not called.
This morning I was pondering the question, How young is too young? Dee’s sister got her first phone for her tenth birthday this spring. The excuse this round wasn’t equestrian safety but rather, precedent.
Em is among the first of her friends to have a cell phone, and among her friends’ parents I am about the only one who thinks having a phone is a good thing. But I’m also in a unique position in that I travel, a lot, and the cell phone has become a way for me to stay connected to my littlest babe.
This morning, Vietnam time, after calling home to say good-night to my family (it was about 7:30p their time and they were on their way home, oddly enough, from picking up Vietnamese take-out for dinner) I continued for about two hours to receive text messages from Em. She always misses me most at nighttime, so as it got later for her, I got more frequent text messages.
The messages arrived in my email inbox—my cell phone service doesn’t work in Vietnam—and always with Em’s little abbreviations, misspellings, and emoticons. She told me what she and her sister and dad were up to (a carwash after dinner), what Sony the pug was up to (missing me), and when she was ready for bed. Then when she crawled under the covers she sent this:
I'm going to bed now I luv u :-( I miss u :-(
These past few days, Em has sent me all sorts of text messages, along with photos she takes to show me what she’s been doing. She sent me a drawing of a girl who looks like her (no, not a self-portrait), a photo of Em yawning, a shot of Sony sticking out her tongue, and just a bit ago an image with these words on the Subject line:
The garden is growing.
I work in in the Tech industry and maybe for that reason I see technology as a positive. Dee is almost 14 now and on her third phone (all changes due to my switching service providers). Her latest is an iPhone with unlimited data and texting. She’s also had a MacBook since two Christmases ago.
As is common for kids of her generation, she’s comfortable with technology and figures out how to download and use “apps” way before I can. She learned how to manipulate photos taken with her iPhone into entirely new and bizarre creations. Thanks to that and a fascination with making mini-films on her MacBook, she recently spent her own money on her first digital camera.
There are, of course, huge risks for kids and technology. There are concerns about long-term health effects, especially brain cancer from the radio-frequency electromagnetic fields emitted by mobile phones on developing brain tissues of children. There are worries that kids are spending more time with their gadgets than with real friends. I fret about sexual predators and their access to my daughters via cell phones and email. (Neither of my girls has asked for Facebook or My Space accounts, and I thank their schools for instilling a cautious attitude around social media networks.)
But the risks can be mitigated by talking with your kid and setting guidelines around usage. And you’ve got to ask yourself, at what age do the pros become greater than the cons?
For me, ten-years-old is that tipping point. Tonight I can’t get an international phone line out of Saigon to make a call, but I have sent about a dozen text messages back and forth to home. And even though I didn’t get real voices on the other end of the line wishing me sweet dreams, I’m going to bed with a virtual kiss good-night.
That’s very sweet, yb. For what it’s worth, I think you worry just the right amount.
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I agree, yb, that is very sweet. Sounds as though your Dee & Em are very mature for their ages. A sign of love & good parenting. I do not think 10 is too young as long as the child is responsible. I think you fret too much. (another sign of good parenting). How great that you have a way to communicate during your absense. D
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ybonesy, what a great post. A mother/daughter connection that is so sweet. I love the photos that Em sent you. And her text — the garden is growing. How perfect is that!
It makes sense to me that your girls would have phones to stay in touch, even at a young age. It doesn’t seem that much different than the hours we used to spend on the landline phone late at night talking to our friends.
I read the link you provided though about the dangers. But, even still, I was kind of surprised that the parents in your circle aren’t as eager for their kids to have phones. I’d be more like you, I think, wanting them to be able to get in touch with me when they were late so I didn’t worry myself sick.
I’d probably worry more about the predators than the electromagnetic emissions, mostly because you just can’t stop progress. But you bring up a lot of things to think about.
I’m glad you have alternative ways to stay in touch when you are half way around the world. Sometimes I think the stories your daughters will end up writing about in their memoirs based on life in your family are going to be so cool to read. 8)
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I bought a cell phone a few months after moving to China. I hated cell phone (and still do, to a certain degree). I told my mother during a call home.
“Can you afford it?” she asked.
I explained that 8-year-olds roam the neighborhood, cells in hand. I couldn’t be shown up by one of my students.
They are useful tools. I think your daughter having a phone for trail rides is a sensible idea. For me, a cell phone is indispensable. Living in a foreign land, you never know when you’ll need to make a call. An extended trail ride by a much older rider.
Being worried is also good. I’ll echo Ben: You worry the right amount.
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Stevo, I am amazed at the ubiquitousness (is that a word?) of cell phones among young people in Asia. And they text so much more than talk, it seems. My girls also mostly text, so I don’t think the brain cancer risks are high. I mean, they use the phones differently than we do. And yeah, I’ve found myself in sticky situations while traveling abroad and not having a cell phone. Nothing horridly dangerous, mind you, but being with a taxi driver who’s lost or not being able to get across where I need to go. That’s happened, even on this trip so far.
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QM, I guess as writers of creative nonfiction (memoir) we can’t help but think about the ways others will remember us, eh? I do wonder a lot about the positive and negative memories they’ll have of me when we’re all older (and me old).
One thing I think a lot of parents my age try to balance is to not be over-indulgent with our kids. Especially those of us who grew up with Depression-Era parents and a real sense of earned privileges, responsibility, etc., these parents scrutinize the comparatively easy and indulged life our kids have. So, I think that’s what’s behind most parents’ concern for what to give and when. Technology is a special case, because it was and still in some cases is so expensive. But there are some great NetBooks and other systems that are coming WAY down in price, in particular to meet demand in emerging markets around the world. I think as technology becomes increasingly affordable, the skills and comfort level gained by growing up with it…invaluable.
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Thanks diddy and Ben, for stopping by and leaving comments. Need to wrap up now, as I’m on lunch hour break, but just wanted to say thanks for telling me I worry the right amount and/or that my worrying is a sign of good parenting. It’s a tough job. Given my situation–the travel, the work, everything–I guess it’s natural to wonder whether I’m doing the right thing. Yet, it does feel right. I’ve been talking to work colleagues, btw, about the strong possibility of bringing my girls next trip and how some of my work colleagues could help me accommodate that. Lots of great ideas. I do hope we can make it happen.
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I think each of us is the best judge on when our young ones should have anything, tech related or not. Cell phones, in this day and age are a necessity, even for the very young like your ten year old. At ten they are beginning to spread their wings a bit and it really is safer for them to have the phone to keep in touch and for emergencies. As long as we set guidelines and keep up with what they are doing and how they are using it (or anything else) they’re fine and so are we. Besides, at ten they still think we know more than they do so they are more apt to stick to the rules!
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I love that you’re a concerned Mom, ybonesy, and I think in just the right dose. My first didn’t have a cell phone until she turned 16 and got a driver’s license. But I’m dating myself – that was way back in the past when everyone didn’t have a cell phone attached to a body part.
And like you, that was the right time for her because I didn’t want her to be stranded without being able to communicate. We had what would now seem to be terribly strict rules for using the phone. She had a limited number of minutes per month, no texting at that point!
I know I’m much happier to think that any of my kids, or me for that matter, can easily make a phone call in an emergency.
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I think you’re right, Corina. There’s really no such thing as a right age. It all depends on the circumstances of the kid, the family, and the type of technology.
Bo, when you think about it, texting has really taken off in a relatively short period of time, hasn’t it? We didn’t get texting until about a year ago. In fact, it was a little over a year ago, and what happened was one day I opened the cell phone bill and there was $200ish dollars worth of text charges. Because we didn’t have texting, and because I didn’t think to tell my kids we didn’t have texting (very few people we knew were texting), Dee ran up the charges by opening texts from a friend at school.
By then my sister and a few others were texting, although I had told them to not send me texts, so I finally decided it was time to get into the fray. Still, even this past year, since we’ve had texting, I rarely used it, although Dee used it a bunch. But then I got a new iPhone not too long ago, so since then I use texting a lot more. It’s so much easier than with my other phones. And with predictive typing, it makes things very easy.
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I seldom text message, though a friend from my hometown texts me at least once weekly. He & I reconnected on one of my visits to see my family this summer.
Text messaging can be addictive. There is nothing more annoying than trying to visit with someone who is constantly texting on their cell phone. I have a 29 year old niece who during my last visit to see family, had already racked up 3000 text messages for the month of August & this was on the 8th! I finally told her how I felt about it & requested she put her phone down. She did, but I could tell she was just itching to pull the phone back out of her purse. I know there are times when it is necessary, but it can also be addictive for some. D
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I got a cell phone at the age of 14. I was the first one out of all my friends, and even protested the idea of getting a cell phone (why did I need it?) My mom made me get a phone because I was traveling out of town for soccer a lot. Sometimes, we wouldn’t make it back to school from a game until midnight or later. My cell phone allowed me to call my mom ahead and let her know when I would be arriving at school so that she could pick me up. I basically only used my phone to call my mom during the first year.
I know they have cell phones for younger children now that have 4 buttons that are designated “mom”, “dad”, “home” and “call”. Kind of cool. It allows mom and dad to check in while limiting the possibility that the kid becomes obsessed with their technology at a young age.
Dee is a lucky girl to have an iPhone at such a young age. And a MacBook! Wowza
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Each situation is unique, and I think you made the right decision about your girls.
I text my traveling adult son, and it really works great for us.
Recently my husband was in a boring meeting and he put it on silent and we chatted through texts. I told him he was being bad. hee, hee
Though I am technically challenged I love my iphone. I did discover this though..be very careful when you send a text. I wrote a little “I’m home and I love you” text to my husband..or so, I thought!!! Just as I hit send, I saw it was to a client..a gentleman. I quickly sent another text and an email explaining my mistake!! :O He just laughed about it, but you see how disastrous it could have been!
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Ten would have been too young for our daughter. At that age, if she wasn’t physically with us, she was at school. I saw no point. If she had been riding a horse on trails by herself, I would have really wanted her to have one. Horses are such wonderful, gentle animals, and yet, they are creatures of flight borne on instinct. If the horse were startled by a car backfiring or something, and she were to fall and be hurt, it’s so much better for her to be able to call you and have you go get her. I’m all over that.
We got our daughter her first phone a few months ago, just before her 13th birthday. She didn’t need it. But gosh, it sure is handy to be able to contact her whenever, if she’s out with her friends or something. Need? Certainly not. We didn’t have them, and we seem to have survived. But there were times during my teen years when my mom would have been much happier if she could have texted me with, “You ok? When will you be home?” rather than waiting up until 3 am with a case of worries. Not that I was 10 or 13 at the time. I was 17 or 18. But still.
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Ditto, J. I could have used a cell phone when I was a teen and saved my parents a lot of worry.
My oldest is going on 14, and I noticed a big shift in her social life here in her 13th year. More going out with friends to see a movie or to the local amusement park. More getting together over the summer for sleepovers. It’s been a positive, I think, a spreading of her wings and having some fun without parent’s constantly hovering (although for the amusement park gatherings, one parent always goes along, takes a book and reads in a corner while the kids roam the park and check in once in a while).
When I was 13 I rode public buses all around the city with my best friend, the two of us alone. It was a grand time, I recall. I want my daughter to have some of that same sense of independence, although I know the world has changed and seems a bit more dangerous now than when I was that age.
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LOL, Suz. Good thing you caught that mistake. I’m still laughing out loud thinking about him receiving the “I’m home and I love you” message. And you being a painter (and thus, a romantic), he might have just believed it could be true!
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a little behind on posting on this one, but since i feel strongly about the issue, i will do so now. The world is growing in technology, and keeping up means not getting left behind. Giving a cell or not giving one isn’t the real issue for me, it is what you do with it once you give it. It becomes one more way to offer the offspring a life lesson…
when i got the cell phone bill of a lifetime, a whopper of a bill, i came home to find my offspring in tears, panicked, and she had called R3. at the time i wasn’t sure if it was because he is such a great support or to make sure witnesses were there in case i decided to terminate her. well, it was a close call i think for about 5 seconds, but the parent in me won out. at the time i got a lot of advice from people who said i should remove the phone.
instead, i made her keep it, and she increased her work hours, and had to fit the work into an already busy school year. She paid me back over the next year. (yes, it was a whopper of a bill). Hopefully i instilled two things. First, if you have expenses, no one bails you out. you suck it up and find a way. Second, you read the terms of the phone and realize that incoming calls run up your bill same as outgoing….
all in all, i think the cell phone for safety and worry less (never worry free) parenting is helpful. i hope this post gives everyone a chuckle, and yes, the offspring and i chuckle about it now.
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reccos62, I’m dying to know how much the bill was but since you didn’t mention it, I’m guessing it’s not something you wanted to share. 8) I can only imagine! Funny, about her reasons for calling R3. I imagine it’s both — comfort and support and a witness? I like your approach to dealing with it by having your daughter pay back the money. That’s responsible and teaches a lot about $$$. Way to go on that one.
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Ditto, reccos. How great that you saw it as a teachable moment versus losing your temper.
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There is a pretty interesting debate going on between parents on this issue. Take a look at what other parents say:
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/whats-right-age-kids-get-cell-phone
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Thanks, Levent, for the link to this Common Sense Media debate. I liked reading what the many kids who commented had to say.
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