It’s a distasteful emotion. Who wants to admit they envy the cut arms of so-and-so? But I do. That is one thing I’ll never have but wish I did. Firm, muscular arms. A smaller nose, maybe as long as it is now and with the same bump, but not so bulbous at the end. And a more angular face. Not one that gets jowly as I age.
I remember a game I used to play in my head where I’d give myself one thing I could change about my appearance. Would it be more height? Straight hair? Thicker eyebrows? I did this when I was 20-something and insecure, when the best thing I had going for me (in my opinion) was a beauty mark on my chest.
I still try to get cut arms, still use weights three times a week, still think that maybe, miraculously, they will tighten up before my eyes, like in time-lapse photography.
When I was a girl and we got Sears, Montgomery Wards, and JC Penney catalogs, I would go through the toy section and pick one item on each page that I could have. Just one. I allowed myself to cache my picks–if I skipped a page, didn’t want anything it had to offer, I could pick two items on another page.
I especially liked Easy Bake ovens and tall dolls with blue eyes and brown hair. I skipped bicycles and sometimes rocking horses. In my perfect world, I had a miniature kitchen in my room and a little crib for my make-believe daughter. How did I end up becoming so not-domestic now?
I was my most envious when I was in high school. Leanne S. got a jeep, white with a convertible top, in 11th grade, and I dreamed of driving that thing in summer. The whole notion of a jeep, rugged and carefree, fit completely who I wanted to be. I envied her parents who slipped her money with, at the most, a sort of disgusted look.
Dad always made a big deal out of giving me money. It was a process. First he said nothing, then he complained, then he took out his wallet and looked through it slowly and carefully, and finally he handed me the money, but reluctantly, like he might pull the bill back just as my fingers made contact. His final final step was to pull out the miniature spiral notebook from his breast pocket, open to the current page and note in his teeny-tiny handwriting the amount he’d given me.
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Note to red Ravine Readers: This Writing Practice is related to the Topic of Envy posted for the Out of The Blue Films “ENVY Contest” at red Ravine. For background and inspiration about Envy, read the essay Cracking Envy (Or How I Learned To Stop Romancing A Deadly Sin) and the piece The Case of Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez: Is It Envy Or Earned?
According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, there is a widespread assumption that Envy is an emotion. Other posts that might help jog the memory when writing about tough or secretive emotions are Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings and WRITING TOPIC – EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY.
To enter the ENVY contest and learn how to participate, go to the Contest Submission Guidelines. There is no fee to enter. You will be competing for an Amazon Kindle and a chance to have your creative work featured in a groundbreaking new documentary film. Deadline is August 15th!
I loved this piece, ybonesy. As you well know, I am the Leona Helmsley of envy, so I speak as a connoisseur. Wonderful, vivid detail and noticing.
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ybonesy, I’m curious to know — do you think your experiences with your father around money affected how you work with or value money as an adult? I think it’s interesting to explore what is learned from others about money at early ages. And how we carry what we learn (or rebel against it) into adulthood.
Sometimes if a person doesn’t have much as a child and become successful later in life, they like to hold everything they have close to the vest for fear of losing it. Other times, people who have little as children will become extremely generous and give back once they are on more solid footing as adults.
The details of your Writing Practice make me want to explore these questions a little more. Personal relationship to money is fascinating. And how that carries over into our earning lives.
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LOL, Elizabeth. The Leona Helmsley of envy. 8)
QM, most definitely. I never want to be as concerned about money as my father was. But I’ve learned, and I’ve said before (I think) that poverty is in one’s DNA. So even though I am nothing like my father in terms of tracking money (I don’t balance a checkbook) nor giving it to my kids begrudgingly, I also can’t help but be concerned by money.
I think it would be hard for anyone to say whether they are generous or not. Really, it’s those around you who would know best. Jim is very generous, never grumbling about giving to others. Never second-guessing. I doubt I’m that generous.
The other day Dee and I were stopped at an intersection where kids and their parents were asking for donations to fund their team going to some big event in Florida or somewhere. I was at the front of the line with a dad and his kid standing right by my window. I looked in my purse for a dollar and when I saw only a ten and a twenty, I said to Dee “Well, my smallest bill is a ten.” “Why not a ten?” she asked. And I thought, Yeah, why not a ten? So I rolled down my window and held out the ten. “This is your lucky day,” I told the kid. They whooped and hollered and yelled to some of their group at the intersection across the way, “We got a ten!”
It was so cool, and I would never have done that on my own. That’s the difference between me and Jim. I never want to think twice about handing out a ten. But for me, the way to get there is to make so much money that I don’t think twice. For Jim, the way to get there is to give what you have regardless of what you have.
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Good post ybonesy. Envy is hard. Sometimes it really hard not to be envious of others. I remember a few years back, Jim and I were talking. We were both envious with each other. I envied his stable family life, and he envied my free-wheeling ways. Seeing Jim recently, he now seems very content and envy-free. He seemed to relish his role in being host at the 4th of July BBQ, and his full-time job as a “farmer”. He’s a really cool and generous guy. I am glad to have both of you as friends.
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That’s cool to hear, MM. I don’t think Jim envies much, but once in a while… And I do know that he went through a pretty long phase where he missed his singledom/freedom. But he does seem happy now, and more than that, like he belongs where he is. It was fun to see you, btw. Hope you make NM permanent soon.
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Good to read your post, yb, and all the comments…
We have been down to the wire with heavy actions and revising on our NEH grant application for the ENVY project the last few weeks and other deadlines, and I feel like I’m just catching up on your great posts here.. and that DOODLE!
Great stuff——-
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I firmly believe that since Papa was so reluctant to hand out money, my mom rebelled against that and is now almost carefree when it comes to spending money!
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Lucky for you, bex. 8) I think my girls think I’m cheap—if only they knew how things were when we were kids.
Good to hear from you, Barbara. Glad to know you’re getting some good submissions.
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Thanks, ybonesy and safe travels.. I read on FB just now how you are trying to stay up til 9p to thwart your jetlag. You can do it!
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Contest ended at midnight August 15th. Thank you for all of your creative submissions! Winners to be announced in a future post on red Ravine. So much gratitude to all who participated in the Out of The Blue Films ENVY Contest at red Ravine!
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Ditto on QM gratitude—– thanks, all!
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