Envy leaves me cold. What do I envy? Not material things. More clarity. I envy people who knew what they wanted to do at 12 years old and went on as adults to make it a career. I envy those who have never suffered from depression or anxiety or lack of belief in themselves. I envy the way Nature doesn’t have to worry about its next move; she simply knows where to step. The next step. The next right step.
Envy can be paralyzing. Comparing my insides to someone else’s outside. Maybe that’s a form of envy. What about the competitive edge in sports? Envy? I read that Tiger Woods was throwing his golf clubs in anger right before he left the last tournament; he was way down the list as a finalist. Was that envy? Not healthy competitive nature to throw metal objects in uncontrolled anger. Even if it is directed at the self. I remember those days in high school and college sports. So closely identified with athleticism and winning that I soon forgot how to lose. I’m glad to be away from all that.
Envy. Is it green or red? I’m thinking more red. Is envy a form of self-hate, anger, insecurity, lack of self-esteem. I feel envious when I’m not doing as well as I’d like to be doing. Usually when I’m more down than up. When I’m doing well, I don’t care what others are doing or what they think; I feel like I’m on the right path for me. When I lose my way, those are the times I am more apt to feel envy.
I used to be insanely jealous in relationships. I clung to them to feel safe. My whole identity was wrapped up in friendships, attachments, partnerships with other people. People that sometimes weren’t good for me. I had to do a lot of work to let that go. When I learned more about who I was, I let go of what I thought I had to be in order to be loved. Does that make sense? Jealousy is another emotion that takes us out of ourselves, away from core goodness. I do believe that we all start out as good people. Things happen along the way that change us. Sometimes those changes are irreversible. And we walk around carrying envy.
The things we carry. Envy, greed, jealousy, hate, rage. Love, kindness, gratitude, generosity, warmth. I’d rather focus on the glass half full. What changed me? Hard work. Forgiving myself. Forgiving others. Reconnecting with people. And looking at my own faults, so I could more readily accept the faults of others.
I want to say envy is something I don’t experience. But I do. The last month I have envied those who are not grieving or feeling loss. I have envied those whose lives seem happy and well on track. Something will happen in life — a death, or the end of an important relationship, an illness, or the loss of a job — and an old tape is triggered. It taps at the brain, scrapes at the edges of self-worth.
Luckily, the self is connected to the wide and deep tree roots on the ash in the front yard. Self is connected to last night’s July sunset backlighting fishermen in a canoe; the outdoor orchestra playing in the band shell by a glacial lake; sweating and geocaching through the woods with Liz; the spiderwort, evening primrose, or red pepper growing in pots on the deck.
Self is connected to the purple finch at the feeder, the Lake Harriet Lake Creature, the ice cream at Sebastian Joe’s, the fact that yesterday marked the beginning of another year I may walk this Earth. All good things come to pass if we let them in. Sometimes that’s not easy and goodness is blocked. Envy follows.
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Note to red Ravine Readers: This Writing Practice is related to the Topic of Envy posted for the Out of The Blue Films “ENVY Contest” at red Ravine. For background and inspiration about Envy, read the essay Cracking Envy (Or How I Learned To Stop Romancing A Deadly Sin) and the piece The Case of Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez: Is It Envy Or Earned?
According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, there is a widespread assumption that Envy is an emotion. Other posts that might help jog the memory when writing about tough or secretive emotions are Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings and WRITING TOPIC – EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY.
To enter the ENVY contest and learn how to participate, go to the Contest Submission Guidelines. There is no fee to enter. You will be competing for an Amazon Kindle and a chance to have your creative work featured in a groundbreaking new documentary film. Deadline is August 15th!
This exploration of envy really resonated for me, QM. I feel exactly this same way about people who knew exactly what they wanted to do from a young age and just followed their path with singular determination.
I wonder if this means I am envious of other people’s navigational skills in life. I feel like I lack both a compass and a gyroscope when it comes to following my path with singular dedication. This might just be a lack of perspective on my part, but when I see other people who seem never to have drifted — or come out of a cloud and discover that they are flying upside-down — I feel envy all the way down to the cellular level.
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i am curious about the perception that people who have one destination, one purpose, one “want” in life are to be envied. In some ways, it speaks to security. But also of June and Ward Clever. (boring, black and white). Having multiple ideas, wanting to do it all, drifting from desire to desire allows one to explore, feel, taste, see, and hear. it opens one up to possibilities and allows one to become flexible. Our purpose then becomes multifacited- and i should say “purposes” in the plural. i would say lets solicit of those single track folks- are they envious of those who do not have a single navigation for their life for having the courage to turn the rudder multiple times.
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Elizabeth, I can relate to that — envious of people’s navigational skills. True to my Cancer crab nature, I tend to wander side to side, forward a few steps, back a few steps, then maybe I’m back on the path. I like how you put it — “I feel like I lack both a compass and a gyroscope when it comes to following my path with singular dedication.” I wonder what it is that allows some to follow a choice from childhood on. And some of us to wander all over the board.
But then I like the questions that reccos62 touches on — those of us who wander all over and try many things, maybe we are allowed the opportunity to excel at many things. Maybe it’s only the cultural belief that we should hone in and specialize that makes us question our choices.
reccos62, I like your analysis. Somehow it makes me feel better: 8)
I wonder, too, if those who have made one choice and stuck with it sometimes envy those of us who have “turned the rudder multiple times.” I’d sure be curious to know. Is there anyone out there reading who has followed one chosen direction from childhood on? Who knew what they wanted to do when they were a child and went on to do it. I’d love to hear about the pros and cons.
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QM, I really am intrigued about the subject of envy & can relate personally to your post. recoss62 does bring up some good points. I adore her. She is very centered & I have admired her for that & her wonderful sense of humor.
The last time I experienced envy was in my late teens. Although I was raised in a middle class family, I wanted much more. There was a family in my hometown that lived in a mansion & owned more than I could imagine. Then I met their youngest son who was 8 years older than me. He lived in the country & more like a pauper. His other 2 siblings followed in their father’s footsteps & also were very successful. The youngest son, Don, worked as a craftsman making stained glass windows. He was a writer, & his artistic stained glass projects were amazing. We fell in love. My Dad thought he was a bum & refused to bless the relationship. Don taught me not to envy his family. He explained that they were constant worriers & kept wanting more & more. Eventually, Don moved to Alaska. That was his dream. He wanted me to go with, but I stayed behind, knowing I did not have my Dad’s blessing. Years later my Dad told me that he had been wrong about Don.
Anyhow, Don taught me that envy is an ugly thing & to follow my dreams. There will always be a soft spot in my heart for him. D
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QM, I also wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday. I missed it & feel just awful. Love, D
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diddy, no worries about the birthday. When Liz came home we went out and geocached, watched the orchestra, saw the Lake Harriet Lake Creature, took photographs and went to Sebastian Joe’s for ice cream. I was a little off earlier in the day. But later on, I started to recover. It ended up being a good day. Got a couple of beautiful cards, too.
That’s a great story about Don. And a good lesson for us all. It’s so easy to think others have it better and from the outside it can look like that. But then you find out everyone is human, everyone has their stuff. Do you keep in touch with Don? I wonder if he’s still in Alaska. And how did your Dad come to tell you he was wrong about him? Did you ask? Or did he volunteer that information. Kind of an interesting turn.
Sometimes I drive around the lakes and admire the Craftsman or Midcentury Modern homes that I see. It’s cool around some of the lakes here because the homes vary in style and you can get a good idea of what you might like in a home. Liz and I have gone inside a few that were for sale, just to see what they were like. Anyway, I often wonder what the people are like that live behind those walls and what they must do to have earned all that money. Enough to be able to afford a huge house like that, not to mention being able to heat it and keep the grounds up. Probably more money than I’m going to see in this lifetime. But what are their lives really like? I don’t know. I like to dream about the homes though. But can’t say I’d be comfortable living in a huge house. I like something smaller and more intimate.
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I loved reading this Writing Practice, QM, before I left town, and then reading the comments after I got back.
I think in a roundabout way I also envy people’s clarity. But I think it’s more that I envy one’s success in a field that I long to succeed in (Art and Writing, as examples), and then my analytical mind surmises that the way they got there was due to clarity, persistence, and courage. So I berate myself for not having enough of those traits, while envying those that have them. I have especially admired and envied courage, having the intestinal fortitude to take the harder choice.
Lately, though, I feel like I’m starting to have some of those traits myself. It’s been a long time coming but finally I have found a way to make art while keeping a day job that I actually love. So instead of being that person staring out at others and wishing I had what they have, I’m feeling more like I’m discovering their secret. Still a long way to go, but slowly, after chipping away at it for years, something is changing.
But yeah, for most my life I’ve struggled with clarity and finishing what I start. (Remember St. Lucy, the patron saint of clarity [LINK] and how I couldn’t even finish her!?) I wouldn’t mind a bit more courage. Hmmm, who’s the patron saint of that, I wonder.
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QM, glad to hear you had a great B-day. We’ve been so wrapped up with Brant & running here & there, that we both forgot.Seems like it will never end for us, as far as on the go.
My Dad brought up the subect about Don. I used to see him quite often when he would come home to visit his family. It’s been years now, but I run into one of his brothers, who has told me that I broke Don’s heart. Don is still in Alaska, mostly writing brochures & newspaper articles. He has never married, but I have no regrets. I appreciate him for the lessons he taught me. I found J & know that it was meant to be.
There is more to the Don story that I am not willing to share. J knows the details, as we were friends before we began to date. I have not felt envy in over 20 plus years. I live what my heart & mind tells me that is good for my soul. D
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I was touched by the comments about Don and how perception is made about the worth of someone and how that connects back to Envy. I think as parents, and as a child of parents once myself, we want our children to do well, better than we did, or to maintain what we have worked so hard for. It is this that leads down the path to envy. We do not “envy” the path that some others have chosen, be it the arts, a careerpath that we don’t think will allow the person to maintain, or accrue. Perhaps we are envying the person for daring to dream, follow our hearts, and refuse to climb on the squeeky wheel of doing what everyone else is doing, and trying to outdo the neighbors.
Does that lead to disapproval of something we couldn’t do? i am not sure what makes us think the lives of the joneses are so great anyway. If this is envy, time seems to bear it out and allow us to change our perceptions. I think that is an interesting feature to this thread. The concept of change. and how envy is evolving.
i met a woman last week who had won the lottery. big. she said it was miserable. people would stare at them, beg from them, send tons of mail asking for a handout. She said they used to give generously until they won, and then it became a nightmare because they couldn’t give enough or to the right places. they couldnt go out in public because people who had been friendly before, (even store clerks) were downright mean, because they had instant expectations that the wealth would be shared. I think this is envy also. we don’t get ourselves to a place where we can be happy for that person and their good fortune. we remain stuck thinking about the impact to ourselves.
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The story of Don left a big impression on me, even at such a young age. I was over 18 when we began to date. My Dad didn’t try to discourage the relationship, but he made it quite clear that he did not approve of him. I can tell you that my envy was of the life I thought they led. Don taught me that it was because of their unhappiness with their lives, that he chose not to go that route. As I took a closer look at his family over the years, I could see that they were aging much too quickly. The love & respect I had for Don was not a Romeo & Juliet kind of story. I was happy for him when he left for Alaska.
The lottery story makes me feel so sad for the woman that won big. I can believe that people would treat her different after she won & that people came out of the woodwork looking for part of the money. How sad is envy & jealousy?
I think very sad. D
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So cool to read your words, QM, and drink in all the comments that flow from it.
I hope some of these musings, scraps and diamonds end up in the ENVY Contest submissions.
I decided that while on vacation the next two weeks, I want to do regular writing practice on ENVY and see what comes up. I’m seeking new inspiration about the shape & spine of the film… it feels ready to be born.
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Barbara, vacation sounds good. Hope you have a good one wherever you are off to. I do think Envy is not easy to write about. I know I put off doing the Writing Practice on Envy. But part of that was knowing I was going to post it. There are others that could get grittier, deeper.
One thing I’ve noticed is that Envy comes up in my daily personal inventory. It kind of sneaks in there and might go unnoticed if I didn’t write it down or take time to be aware.
Another thing that I’ve noticed about Envy is that when I feel it about other people, it usually comes back to me. Like ybonesy mentioned in her comment — it feels like something is lacking in me that causes me to feel envious of others.
In truth, it’s probably not really lacking — it’s the way I’m perceiving it at the moment. And if I’m feeling down or off, envy is more likely to surface for me.
Will be interesting to hear about your Envy Writing Practices over the next few weeks as you take a break. I imagine all the work, reading, research you are doing for the film is sifting through you and will come out in those practices. The “shape and spine of the film” — good phrase. It’s alive and has a life of its own.
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Thanks for your good words, QM. I’m excited to dig into the notebook with my fast pen to see what happens. More soon!
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I was looking forward to the contest & know the deadline is soon. I have written my words on paper & shared some in my comments, though my written words tell the entire story about my envy, I’m not certain I could enter. Though years have passed, much pain & feelings of guilt remain. Probably something that I will never come to terms with. Shape & spine? I don’t think I have enough spine…D
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I hear you, D—
As you probably know well, you can always change the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty!
We’re finishing up our grant application to the NEH, and one of the points we’re making is that as important as ENVY is, it is so repugnant people don’t want to look at it; often can’t look at it. Such an underground emotion.. good for you for doing what you can with it.
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Contest ended at midnight August 15th. Thank you for all of your creative submissions! Winners to be announced in a future post on red Ravine. So much gratitude to all who participated in the Out of The Blue Films ENVY Contest at red Ravine!
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