My best friend from graduate school is coming to New Mexico from her native Brazil week after next, and in honor of her visit—women in Brazil are notorious for their beauty, not to mention she’s married to a plastic surgeon—I’ve put together a list of bodily facts that I need to own up to on account of my DNA.
And if I can’t get over them, well, then I need to have a long talk with my friend’s husband while he’s here.
- Flabby arms (also known as bat wings, arm wings, and jello arms): While these can be caused by weight gain, muscle loss, and natural aging, one of the main factors is genetics. If your grandmother and mother had upper arms that were prone to flapping in the wind while hanging laundry on the line, chances are you do (or will) too. Which is why I never became a teacher. (Chalkboards.)
- Nose and ear growth: It’s not known why, exactly, that noses and ears continue growing as one ages, although some theorize that since noses and ears are made of cartilage, they continue to grow long after the bones have stopped. Or, it could be that cartilage simply loses elasticity over time, causing the tip of the nose to lengthen and droop. Which I should have known would be especially problematic for our family back when Uncle Pat used to like saying: When God was handing out noses, we thought he said “roses” and asked for His biggest red ones.
- Female pattern baldness: This can be genetic, so if Aunt Mabel’s scalp was visible through her 28 strands of black hair (check), you might want to explore gene therapy. (Right.)
- The accumulation of fat in the neck and jaw: Generally genetic and generally unrelated to body weight, meaning that no amount of dieting, exercise, and weight loss will affect their reduction. (Thanks, Mom and Dad, for the gift of jowls.)
- Senile acne: Yep, genetic, although its presence is generally a good indication that wrinkles will be postponed. Which, for those of us predisposed to having zits in our old age, just be glad that even though your 82-year-old mother still uses Noxema, most people think she’s not a day older than 70.
- Facial hair: Those thick black hairs springing out on my chin were probably an endowment from my Aunt Olivia. And the ones that I’ll eventually sprout from my ears and nose—well, thank you Great Uncle Narciso (and Grandpa). Which is why I’m thinking of teaching my daughters how to use sharp trimmers.
- Earwax: Scientists recently discovered that whether you have wet earwax or dry depends on the ATP-binding cassette C11 gene. Generally people from Europe and Africa have wet earwax and people in Asia have dry. The gene also correlates to armpit odor in that gooey earwax populations sweat more than dry earwax ones. The gene that keeps on giving.
- Dowager’s humps (aka old lady humps): These often run in families, especially where there is a tendency toward osteoporosis. At least I can go a long time without needing to empty my bladder. (Kidding.)
Although I’m not a proponent of plastic surgery, I do think it would be lovely to go to Brazil for a couple of weeks and come back looking really refreshed. I doubt my friend’s husband can do anything for the old lady hump, but perhaps he can tuck those bat wings and jowls.
Hypothetically speaking (since I have a feeling most of our regular readers are pretty content with what Mother Nature bestowed) what genetic gifts might you consider losing if you had the opportunity? Hey, maybe we can get a group discount.
My mom’s maiden name is Everson. We call it the Everson Butt. The E.B. isn’t size 2. Think much larger. My older brother has the most impressive Everson Butt. Seeing a man with a big round bootie is a glory to behold.
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Visible, raised veins in my hands. Thanks mom. Facial hair issues? Check. Mom again. But I do have to thank her for pretty good, non wrinkly skin, darker skin.
I hope you have a lovely visit with your friend!
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I’d lose droopy eyelids, a gift from my dad and his mother. My sister (only 18 months older) has already had an eye lift. My aunt (Dad’s sister) waited until her 80’s for a lift, which was not for “cosmetic” reasons, but because her droopy lids were obscuring her vision!
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Teri, reading about the male big round bootie made me laugh out loud. Remember Saturday Night Live and the Butt family? I think Jane Curtin was the big butt mom. Ha!
tpgoddess, I also have raised veins in my hand. I always thought it meant I had good circulation. That or high blood pressure. Oops, that’s genetic too.
OMG, breathepeace, how did your aunt finally get the insurance to pay for that surgery? My mom has tried twice, for vision reasons. We have that affliction bad, and I once read that it’s a genetic thing with certain people in Spain. (Does your Dad’s mother have Spanish blood at all??) Anyway, her doctor’s recommendation to get the surgery has twice been rejected by the insurance. Mom is 82—she doesn’t give a hoot about how she looks anymore, but the lids are sometimes so droopy she can barely read.
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Oh, yb, what’s with the earwax?! I had no idea it was gene related. Liz told me it’s true in animals, too, different kinds of earwax. I really had no idea about that one. She said Pants has the gooey one. 8)
We’ve got the droopy eyes in our family and I’ve started to notice it more and more. Some in our family have taken care of it with surgery. I can totally see how it might interfere with vision after a while.
A few of us have the sweat genes, not a fun thing in heat and humidity. I’ve got the late-life acne, too, but have noticed how my skin does stay more moist since it’s oily. Less wrinkles. I don’t mind that at all.
It seems like these things become more pronounced with age. Although I guess I did notice some of them when I was younger. Most we have to learn to live with. I wouldn’t do any kind of surgery unless I needed it for medical reasons. I just don’t like going under the knife. 😦
Teri, Liz and I laughed out loud at the E.B., too. But then it might seem better than the flat butt syndrome that happens to some with age. What happens to the E.B. with age? 8) BTW, does your brother know he’s got the E.B.? Or is this something just shared between the sisters?
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My mother’s side of the family suffers from flat butt syndrome, and Dad’s mostly with aging. But Mom’s had a flat butt for as long as I’ve known her. Hope I got Dad’s genes on that one. 8)
So Pants is European or African, eh? Wonder if it holds for cats. Would a Siamese cat have dry earwax??
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The E.B. only increases with age. My mom has an amazing Everson Butt. My brother takes a fair amount of teasing for his E.B., but he doesn’t care. His confidence is as great as his Everson Butt.
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I really had to laugh about a lot of these! Just so happens I plucked some stray chin hairs earlier today! Those hairs grow in fairly thick! I plucked a total of 5.
Flat Butt Syndrome for sure! Although wider now that I am getting older, I refer to it as Noassatall syndrome. Seems I always have droopy drawers. Might be time to invest in those padded underwear? Somehow, my butt became my gut. Runs in the family.
Brown age spots, not many, but I notice them every day. D
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Teri, if only a big butt were a sign of the amount of confidence a person has (the way size of an animal’s head says something about brain size/intelligence). Everyone would want big bootie, which, btw, is thought to be sexier among some than little bootie. “Fat-bottomed girls…they make the rockin’ world go round.” 8)
First when I read your comment, diddy, I thought you said “I *prefer* it to Noassatall syndrome”—HA! Have you had too many LMAO moments in your life and now find yourself A-less? 8)
Ah, Mom has brown age spots on her hands. I’ll probably get those, too.
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Count me in for the group discount.
Me and breathepeace, we could see a lot better through open eyes,eh?
I’m pretty lucky, my cheekbones hold up the rest of my face but the eyelids, no mascara for me without clown stars on the eyelids.
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This is a very (very) low testosterone laden conversation, so I feel obligated to weigh in.
I guess my issues are mostly weight related. It seems that at about the age of 46 -47, everything started accumulating at an alarming rate. I fought the battle fiercely for a while but now have settled into middle-age quite comfortably. It is hard for men too but admittedly probably not as difficult as it is for most women. It also helps now that I live in a culture (China) where a belly is still seen by many as a sign of prosperity. My beautiful wife doesn’t seem to mind either (I married up).
It has actually become a point of amazement for me. For example, I know now that if I begin to move too quickly, there are parts of me that want to stay behind! As for stopping and trying to change directions, let’s just say inertia usually wins.
The other BIG issue for me is the whole ear hair, nose hair, eyebrow thing. I mean, what is that all about anyway? Do we suddenly need more protection from the elements at a certain age? I spend WAY too much of my time plucking, trimming and cutting.
So there you go ladies, much more than you need to know about me right now!
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I believe (but can’t swear to it) that Medicare paid for my aunt’s eye lift, since it was prescribed … which only makes me wonder why your mom can’t get it …
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I don’t know, breathepeace, maybe her insurance is cheap! They keep saying that it’s not a health issue, it’s cosmetic, even though the doctor is saying it’s not. They’ll keep trying. I think it’s been rejected twice. I think personally they (doctor) need to take photos and send them in. But you know what? It’s so much about having a really good doctor who goes the extra mile.
E.G., thanks for weighing in. I appreciate the male point of view. The male grooming market has grown a lot in the past several years, have you noticed? I mean, I wouldn’t want Jim to look like he’s spent a lot of time on grooming (no worries there; he doesn’t) but apparently a lot of me do spend time and money. And the same for male cosmetic surgery—it too has grown.
I don’t know about that extra hair. Maybe it is a way to ensure that in old age we are extra warm. And that we scare away small dogs and children. 8)
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No, say it ain’t so! The jowels will stay even if I get my (big) ass in gear and lose weight??? Combined with the senile acne, I am a sight to behold these days.
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Apparently so, v. You could have a face lift or liposuction to reduce the fat, but apparently there no such thing as toning up the jawline. Although, Madonna’s jawline is pretty taut, just like the rest of her body. Maybe there’s hope if you adopt her particular workout. Just a thought.
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I think the Discovery channel should do a whole show on the mysteries of ear wax. You never know…if they gather enough of it, they could invent our next fuel source. If we were smart, we’d be romancing those Keebler guys right now…
😉
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Yes, earwax could carry a whole show, for sure. Some people produce a lot, others not enough. Then there’s the gooey versus dry. There is ear candling and cotton buds and bobby pins. Some people have to go get their earwax removed at the doctor’s office—and I understand that process is traumatizing, as ears are so very sensitive. It’s all pretty fascinating, I have to admit. And you’re right, it could probably be a fuel source if harvested properly. 8)
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Add me to the generous posterior list. This is just something I’ve become resigned to, but(t?)-
moles. ech! I really wish there weren’t such a thing. I have only a two of the large, raised monstrous sort (and they’re in interesting places) fortunately most of them are just dark dots, a close cousin to freckles, but they are everywhere! Peppering my upper arms, sprinkling across the left thigh, showing up sporadically on a shin, my palm, even a (thankfully) small one on the side of my upper lip. My face has several, but people don’t seem to notice, till they do. It’s always fun to watch someone suddenly *see* the dot-to-dot composition of my face cus their eyes start to zing around, and they get that perplexed look, like, ‘were those always there?’
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At age 21, I already have inherited the flat butt sydrome which runs in our family. The other day my friend told me I had the flattest butt he’s ever seen on a Latino girl! haha
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LOL. Your butt is kind of small, too. I hate to see what it’s going to look like when you get old. Hee.
amuirin, I’m so glad you raised the issue of moles. They run in our family, too. Mom used to have a giant one that she got removed, it was so big, right above her lip. She has a mole crater scar there.
I have a bunch, too, even one on my earlobe. Not a raised one, thank goodness. Those ones can be so gross. And you have to watch them for skin cancer. (Be sure to get yours checked every year.)
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I just don’t believe you have ALL these traits, yb. Maybe they run in your family, but I have the feeling you are a fine looker.
I’ve known a few Brazilian women, and you’re right, they know how to move, dress, and make the most of what they have. And they wear the skimpiest bikinis in earth. The men don’t look so bad either.
I have the flabby arm thing. Every time I pick up a can of peas I do a few tricep lifts. It doesn’t help. I like to wear three-quarter sleeves.
PS Teri’s comment cracked me up. Poor bro.
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[…] for kicks, here are a few other genetically inherited traits I never knew […]
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