By Katherine Repka*
My boyfriend got a tattoo when we were in Florida. We were leaving Universal Studios with “his and hers” children in tow, our feet aching from a day spent zigzagging through the park to catch the best rides and avoid the longest lines. We spotted the tattoo parlor as we approached the park exit. He said we should just keep going—it was late—but I saw a flash of longing in his eyes as he spoke. I suggested we at least check it out; after all, being from an obscure Canadian town, when would we be near a Hart & Huntington again?
We trudged up the stairs like drones, the glitzy neon sign beckoning with its promise of adventure. As we flipped through endless pages of sample designs, I told him he should go ahead and get one. A tattoo he had “commissioned” years ago, in the back of a Greyhound bus, looked more like an amoeba than a peace sign, and he always talked about replacing it with a more professional image once he could afford to. As it turned out, a little encouragement was all he needed.
While he negotiated his choice with the artist, I continued to browse through the photos of inked flesh, intent on finding a Lily of the Valley design I could display as a symbol of my artistic spirit, my appreciation for simple beauty in nature, and my birth month of October. One of the tattooists, clearly skilled at helping potential customers realize their dreams of entering the world of rebellion, helped me look for images of Lily of the Valley on the internet and explained the cons of using white ink in any tattoo. As I contemplated how to avoid white ink in an image comprised of white flowers, my boyfriend made his way to the table to get his tattoo.
The kids rambled aimlessly about the store. The sugar high from candy used as a bribe to get them through the hour-long wait was wearing off and their faces wore telltale signs of the exhaustion I felt. My window of opportunity to enter the world of nonconformity was rapidly shrinking.
At some point I figured out how to avoid white ink but I could not decide on a location for the emblem of my individuality. I was convinced that in order for any indeliable piece of artwork to enhance rather than disfigure, it had to be located in a spot where it could be tastefully revealed or concealed, a place that would not sag or wrinkle as I aged nor become distorted when I gained or lost weight.
I looked over at my boyfriend. He was fixated on his tattoo artist—herself tattooed and pierced—as she worked at turning the amoeba, unsightly evidence of his decision to trust someone while inebriated, into a symbol of his newfound passion for dirt biking.
Unable to decide on a location for my tat, and after convincing my boyfriend’s five-year-old that the rack of t-shirts and belts was not the ideal place to practice for a career as an international spy, I resigned myself to the knowledge that this was not my night to get inked. I succumbed to the lure of an upholstered vinyl bench near the wall and waited until my boyfriend’s tattoo was finished.
As we made our way to the vehicle, my boyfriend’s eyes sparkled in the moonlight. I could taste the sizzle of exhilaration and excitement that emanated from his pores. The satisfaction on his face was as fierce as the brand he now sported on his ankle. I glanced down at my own feet half expecting to see blocks of cement.
Pangs of envy stabbed at my insides as we walked. I had encouraged him. I had pushed aside my own hope for a tattoo, too concerned for everyone else—concerned that three young children couldn’t possibly endure waiting any longer in an adult oriented environment at the end of a long day, concerned that my boyfriend’s desire should be fulfilled and that he have a memory to tell and retell his friends back home, and concerned that I find just the right tattoo for myself so as not to offend the sensibilities of strangers.
Like a coarse tag on a shirt collar, the envy irritated and scratched. I was sure my boyfriend’s lack of clairvoyance was proof of his lack of insight in to my soul. I questioned my sense of practicality, which suddenly seemed more a yoke than a virtue.
We followed the freeway back to our hotel. The children dozed in the backseat, their heads lolling from side to side as we drove over the grooves in the pavement. My boyfriend gazed ahead, far away in his thoughts. As my own thoughts drifted over the past few hours, days, and months, I began to feel like I was treading water, my feelings of panic and despair accentuated by his assuredness, his distance, his thinly veiled contempt for my insecurity and his attempts to hide his waning love for me with displays of affection that lacked depth or intimacy.
The vacation, filled with fun and activity, had provided us both with some distraction from reality. The hollow space between us, which had once been overflowing with passion and unconditional love, seemed to open up to the lurking shadows. The lights of each passing motorist illuminated a well worn pathway for my self-doubt, beginning in my head and ending in my chest. Clearly, I was not ready to get a tattoo. There was no room for regret when the ink-filled needles pierced the skin.
Katherine Repka (*not her real name) lives in a small northern town in a remote region of British Columbia, Canada. She shares her life with her two children, her boyfriend, two stepchildren, two dogs, and two cats. Katherine, who works for a community college, has recently returned to writing in her spare time.
About her writing, Katherine says: Writing is something that I am beginning to open up to and make space for in my life. I know I have at least one book in me and possibly several other pieces looking for a way out. I have this mass of content all squished up in a ball inside me that I feel I have to unravel somehow.
I have written poetry in the distant past and some short stories when I took a creative writing class years ago in my first year of college, but overall my writing has taken the form of workplace communications and the occasional love letter or journal entry.
Personal writing is a way for me to explore deep feelings and process emotions, but to date none of my writing has made its way to any publishable format. I see this return to writing as a way to do something for the purpose of personal development, something I can do to get in touch with who I am and nurture my spirit.
My goal is to give myself permission to take time to write more than just on an intermittent basis in the hopes that writing will allow me to reach deeper levels of self awareness and give me a an outlet for self expression and creativity.
-related to Topic post, WRITING TOPIC – TATTOOS
Oh I loved this post! You always have such elevations included that are always a source of inspiration. And I loved what Katherine had to say about the process as well!
PS: The car images on that other post are amazing. I have one like these that I’d produced into a magazine ad as a tribute to my Grandfather’s passing…. I wish I had it on hand now – I know it is carefully tucked away in a box of memories somewhere…. Sometimes I wish I could just sit here all day and reflect on your blog. It lends sanity to my regular day though to at least pop over (as often as I can get away with it that is TEE HEE!)
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Hi Sib,
I’d love to hear more about your “process” when you can sneak away again and if you get a chance – if there was anything in particular you loved about the post or if it is just a feeling that you were left with?
Katherine
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Katherine, first, thank you so much for entrusting us with your first piece to be published. QM and I were wondering how that felt, to put something out there for all to see. Especially something that touches quite deeply, as this does.
I love this piece, for a few reasons. First, you establish a voice in this narrative, right off the bat. You drop into the crux of the story right away, too—the notion of fulfilling dreams, taking risks, rebelling. And then there is all the stuff that brings you back to reality—tired kids who are probably on the verge of really losing it due to the candy high on top of their exhaustion; the whole sensibility part of picking out where to place the tattoo.
But what both QM and I commented on when we first read this was how it had this twist at the end. How something like a getting (or not getting) tattoo—which, really, if you think about it, says so much about us—could be the inflection point for coming to deep realizations about the entire relationship. Wow. And it’s not in the least bit a stretch to think that this one hour spent after a vacation and weeks and months and years together, that that one hour and the decisions made in that one hour, could have such an effect. Yes, I can totally see it.
It’s a short piece, when you think about how much is packed in here. But it has that arc. And that’s pretty cool.
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Katherine, as someone else who has wanted a tattoo but never even gone near a tattoo parlor to look (you have made it closer than I ever did), I identified with your piece and your feelings. I think that someday I will walk into a tattoo parlor and say, “I want _________ tattooed on my ___________.” Sit in the chair or lay on the table and let them ink me. Same goes for a piercing that I have wanted for years now.
ybonesy has encouraged me to go for a big tattoo, not a small one.
Hope to see your pieces on red Ravine again. Thanks for sharing this story with the community.
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QM and ybonesy,
Putting out this first piece was a leap for me – I have to admit – (obviously using a pseudonym makes this a bit easier) for a few reasons (small town and identity theft being just a couple of small reasons)-
1. I’ve always felt like I have a creative side, but it is difficult to find ways to express this since I am in many ways a linear and concrete thinker. (even though i do have another side that allows me to think about and see the interrelatedness of things (kind of how my mind works when it comes to retaining knowledge and then making connections between seemingly unrelated things)
2. I have been complimented on my writing ability at times but usually for work related writing or for writing not intended to be shared – such as a letter or a personal poem for a friend – so for me – this was a great first experience since it was so well received by both of you! So thanks for the encouragement.
3. I have been thinking about… but not acting on getting into writing for a long time – there never seems to be enough hours in the day or I am stuck and find myself “procrastinating” rather than just picking up the computer and doing it! When I stumbled onto this site, I thought I should give it a try and your site gave me the inspiration with the supportive tone and focus on practice and learning from eachother…that is so evident in your posts and site description.
I loved reading about your specific insights and thoughts on the piece. This piece started as an exercise to get me actually writing for real…and truly became an outlet for some pretty heavy emotions that I have been feeling – things I had not explored as deeply until I started writing and then it almost seemed like this need to get it all in to the piece. Even now reading over it, I can see so many subtle messages or ideas represented and feel like I could take off in a different direction with each one. ie. the whole symbolism idea of whether to get or not get a tattoo, the idea that my boyfriend fixated on the tattooist, my insecurity, practicality….I could go on and on – but I guess that is simply the magic of “actually” writing instead of just thinking about it 🙂
I feel this piece has a somewhat depressing tone though – which is ok since obvioously it was something that I needed to get out of my system – and I’m sure ( know) writing about struggles and contemplating sad feelings is very therapeutic- but I’d like to explore a more positive experience so i am going to work at that as well –
Bob,
I still haven’t decided where to put my tattoo – I have gone into tattoo parlours on three separate occasions now, and I truly do want one – but obviously there is something holding me back – I want the tattoo to be something meaningful and symbolic – and I guess there are many people out there that just love tattoos and seem to be much more impulsive, I guess people that live in the moment and would not regret a tattoo even if they completely revamped their lives and changed careers or partners or whatever – I guess for me getting a tattoo is about so much more than the outward beauty and appearance (skin-deep) and much more about self expression – so I have decided I will know when the time is right and will likely be able to walk in one day and say “put that, here!”…but for now… I am going to let go of the whole idea – I think I will know when I am ready because I won’t hesitate…or struggle with the decision (I’m getting there:-)
But in reference to ybonesy encouraging you to get a big one… “Go big or Go home!”
Thank you for the encouragement as well!
Katherine
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Katherine, I wanted to publish this piece from the first time I read it. The layering and symbolism of the tattoo – related to body, self-expression, your feelings about yourself and your relationship — drove home the complexities of being in long-time relationships and a blended family to boot.
Thanks for expanding in your last comment on your reasons for writing, wanting to pick it up again, the encouragement you got along the way, and the inspiration you received to keep going. I was telling ybonesy how much it meant to be able to inspire someone like that and then even to take it one step further by being able to actually publish a piece.
It’s one of the reasons that red Ravine is out there at all — to inspire others (and each of us) to keep writing, keep practicing, keep going, even when we don’t want to, or when the chips are down. So it’s a pleasure to have published your piece.
Regarding the tattoos, I used to want to get a small one, even as little as 4 years ago. But I’m kind of like you. I could never decide exactly where I wanted it. And then I added the pressure of saying I had to design my own, and then have another artist maybe help me render it before I actually got it. With all those complications, I just never ended up getting one!
Now the idea has kind of faded for me. But you might have renewed it. My sister got several tattoos in the last few years and I think they are really beautiful. One large one on her back and two on her feet. But the age-old question I have is — how much does it hurt? What about the pain?
BTW, I really liked the title of this piece, too.
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Oh, I love the title, too.
You know, I don’t really think about the pain of the needle. I asked Dee the other day if she’d ever consider getting a tattoo—she came home after a sleepover with a bunch of body art decals all over her—and she said that while she’d like to, she wouldn’t be able to stand the needles.
At a birthday party on Sunday, the decals on Dee’s neck and shoulders, prompted my parents, sisters, grown nieces, and me to talk about tattoos and whether we’d get mad if our kids got them or not or whether we’d get them or not. I was surprised that tattoos are still viewed as pretty radical. So many people, young people especially, have them, and I think they’re beautiful, so I don’t see them as being the rebellious act they once were. It made me realize even more just how much of a defining line there is between those who do and those who don’t.
But yeah, I also am a proponent of big, beautiful tattoos. The woman who cuts my hair has an arm filled with beautiful flowers. Just gorgeous. I love her tattoos. And I admire that kind of certainty that allows someone to go for it, to take such a bold move.
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Hi all!
I am writing here in response to Katherine’s query “…anything in particular you loved about the post or if it is just a feeling that you were left with?…”
KATHERINE: There were several facets of your writing in itself, as well as the process you described that I resonated with.
What stood out to me personally (and I preface this by saying it is solely “my feeling on it” and not necessarily your intention) – WAS :
**I felt a sense of the underlying challenge of balancing identity of self as both “mother” and “individual woman”. I find personally this an area that is common for many women whether they voice it or not. The way of your phrasing throughout the piece I instinctively resonated with- more so the words that were NOT said which are far more encompassing a subject than a few paragraphs but were to me – clearly present thematically.
**While your words briefly suggested self doubts regarding the perception of relationship – I found them to be telling of psychological dynamics that I personally perceive to be part of the larger canvas of relationships of intimate – life sharing dynamics.
**On your process description – these words resonated with me personally “”…make space for in my life. I know I have at least one book in me and possibly several other pieces looking for a way out. I have this mass of content all squished up in a ball inside me that I feel I have to unravel somehow…”” — I often feel this way – I am not a writer nor do I make time to write – but it doesn’t negate the feeling of the squished up ball inside that you describe. 🙂 —- and also these words resonated for me: “”… explore deep feelings and process emotions…. do something for the purpose of personal development…. something I can do to get in touch with who I am and nurture my spirit…. give myself permission …. hopes….allow me to reach deeper levels of self awareness and give me a an outlet for self expression and creativity…””
I feel like these words particularly are very powerful and telling. I feel you have a gift to share – and you should stick with your writing practices because you seem (to me) to have the ability to convey a great deal in few words without forced choreography.
Again, the above is just my two cents for whatever it is worth. But I am sure that alot of my perception of the work is equally attributed to the recognition of self in another – consciously or unconsciously.
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PS: Katherine I forgot to also answer the other question about “my process”. I personally do not have one at this time – I wish I did – but I have somehow arrived at a place where nothing that worked in past is working for me CURRENTLY. 🙂
I am cognizant of my own inner conflicts and so I can’t say I actually have a process. However, again, I was inspired by yours and it gave me pause to consider things – if for no other reason than the fact that I could see another person’s experience I resonated with. If that makes sense…
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Katherine, I wanted to comment on one other thing you said —
I feel this piece has a somewhat depressing tone though – which is ok since obviously it was something that I needed to get out of my system – and I’m sure ( know) writing about struggles and contemplating sad feelings is very therapeutic — but I’d like to explore a more positive experience so i am going to work at that as well —
I think it’s important to write about both the difficult, and more sad, and the joyful. One of the reasons this piece you wrote is so risky and poignant is that it does focus on struggle and uncertainty and sadness in relationships.
Because once we have that aha moment — or realize that a relationship that once worked for us might not be working anymore — we are faced with choices about what to do about that. And at the end of your piece — we are left with the question — maybe she’s staying for now, but what will she end up doing in the end?
It’s a question most of us have had to ask ourselves at one time or another. And we’ve all had to make those choices — should I stay or should I go? This also occurs in friendships, in all areas of relationships. It’s good to write about the hard stuff.
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RE: Post 6
QM – I chuckled with recognition when I read your point about adding the pressure of having a tattoo designed- I too – have thought about this- luckily i have a friend who has designed tattoos for others so if I ever do decide to go that route- I could call on her.
Your questions/comments about the pain are also interesting, I think in a way, that is sometimes part of the attraction for others. Yikes! (My daughter has a needle phobia…even getting her belly button pierced was a feat – and she just went with a friend to get bloodwork done and nearly fainted and couldn’t drive afterward! We shared a good laugh – but we haven’t ever talked about what this means to her potential for getting a tattoo – i will have to mention it to her. I expect if she ever gets a tattoo – it will be a monumental event!)
Again, part of the deeper questions about getting a tattoo, making the decision, what a tattoo says about who you are or the assumptions people make about people with tattoos. i read over the Writing Practice section more carefully last night and there were some great discussions there as well about some of these ideas.
Thanks for the comments about the title- coming up with a title has always been extremely difficult – I’m glad you (and ybonesy) encouraged me to try and think of one on my own – I was struggling and then it just came to me – it was very affriming to be able to do this since I have this difficulty identifying myself as “creative”…this is perhaps another topic to explore. It is like half of me knows I am creative and half of me denies it. I appreciate creativity and i know i am a creative thinker, but my thoughts around my own creativity may be too tied to the concept of “artistic” so I really need to work on figuring out my own “creative” niche.
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RE: post 7
I loved this comment ybonesy…
“And I admire that kind of certainty that allows someone to go for it, to take such a bold move.”
I think this may be part of the attraction for me too (actually now that you say it- I am sure this is part of the attraction)- although I had never thought of it that way! ahh…more self reflection to explore!
I also wonder though if I am a bit of a tattoo snob…I like Tattoos but I am very picky – so I have all of these rules about the type, kind, etc. I alluded to this in the piece, and I guess I do have this “conservative” side which makes it easy to “judge” others and their tattoos according to my own values- and yet – I have this core belief in individuality and free thinking – a kind of resistance to censorship, rules and conformity etc. but you would never see that in my appearance or expect that about me based on what I do etc. I don’t even think those closest to me truly understand that about me. Interesting…I do have this radical side that sometimes makes me feel out of place in my life – but maybe that is just the mid-life crisis-y stage as well!
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Re: Post 8
Thanks Sib for responding in such detail! Wow!
This comment hit me very hard!
**I felt a sense of the underlying challenge of balancing identity of self as both “mother” and “individual woman”.
I had never really thought about this and yet – it is such an important part of this piece. I really need to reflect on this more. It has provoked a very emotional reaction for me – I think because it is so true – and I had not thought about it in this way and yet this so captures where I am in my life! and of course add in the identity of “life partner”…
Thanks for the encouragement to stick with writing – I smiled when I read this comment – “convey a great deal in few words” – this is so opposite from my reputation with work email – I like to use email as a record of complex work related situations and since email is a primary mode of communication – I put details in that I think are necessary for decisions etc. but I have one co-worker that is exactly the opposite – I could send a message that is a full page and she will reply with two lines!
I was really moved by this comment…
“I am sure that alot of my perception of the work is equally attributed to the recognition of self in another – consciously or unconsciously.”
As a self declared “introvert” (I do love socializing – but it has to be with small groups or people I connect with – someone explained in a workshop that introverts get energy from solitude or solitary acitvity and extroverts get energy from social activities…small talk is exhausting to me rather than energizing!)
I tend to be very selective when it comes to putting myself out there…once I have a friend though, I will usually share almost everything – maybe a little “too much information”. I can see why blogging has caught on. It certainly can be liberating! And people who think face to face is absolutely the best mode of communication are not introverts 🙂 Don’t get me wrong, I value face to face communication, but writing gives me the opportunity to be more contemplative.
Thank you for your candor. I hope that you find a way to make time for your own writing. You deserve it! (and don’t read too much in to my “process” this is the first time I have written anything with the intent of submitting it for publishing! and I wrote this piece in one afternoon – and with a few revision periods with the help of QM and ybonesy…so my process is in its infancy!)
It is however, sincere, and it makes me think back to my Creative writing instructor in college- many moons ago…(I was about 20 and now 39!)she told us to start with personal experience to look for material – I tried, but that was almost a self-defeating exercise and it left me feeling like i was not creative or even a writer! (which I’m sure was not her intention)- I don’t think I had enough life experience, confidence or self awareness to really be a writer or identify myself as a writer, at that time – I am looking forward to letting go of that view of who I am and embracing this new one-… so perhaps we will get the opportunity to support eachother in making this connection and nurturing our spirits in this way!
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Hi Katherine! Thanks for sharing your thoughts- it was very interesting to me. On the note of being “communicative” at work – I totally relate to what you are saying. Particularly in any corporate environment— there’s often many semantics involved and I too had the experience you described! IE: My email a novella- the bosses email 2 words. Really funny!
As for the insight on “mother” and “individual woman” — I just perceived something there that I don’t know if I had the words to describe — but it was there. I personally struggle with any notion of definition – and yet I find them appear regardless. I was just thinking today how it seems human nature to always approach things in terms of oppositional forces. For example, we define what we “are” by what we are “not” and for me I find it to be totally an unconscious thing and ultimately (again speaking for myself) — rather self defeating.
In your words I actually got the feeling for a moment of what you were experiencing when you were grappling with the different relationship dynamics– tattoo, no tattoo, am I being a “rebel”, do I even really care?, the kids are tired, I am aware— and all this unspoken dialogue seemed to appear in picture form in a flash of an instant through your writing. I totally related to that part of the process as well! 🙂
As for “letting go of the old” – totally applaud you for it. It takes alot of courage really. Anyway, I look forward to more featured writers here on the Red Ravine and will be looking out for your future contributions (hint hint!) 🙂
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Katherine,
From what I just read…you’re no Lilly!
You’re a slowly emerging butterfly, getting set to take flight in all your beauty. Get a bright, colorful one…and show that thing off!
Put me on your “people waiting for my first book” list.
😉 H
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I wanted to thank you, Katherine, for taking this risk and publishing your work on red Ravine. Calling oneself “a writer” is especially scary because wrapped up in it is a notion that perhaps we think we’re better than we are or that we’ve stated outloud a standard we can’t possibly meet. I’ve been there; I go there still. But what I want to say is, Katherine, you’re a writer!
And I want to echo the encouragement of others here—I’m looking forward to reading more of your work.
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Thanks so much for the words of encouragement and specificity of your comments. I am struggling a bit in the next few days with a lack of time- but I can’t wait to get home and get writing again. So I’ll definitely be joining in discussions and doing more writing as soon as I can! Also since I am new to this site – I will be looking through previously posted pieces and taking some time to read, reflect and respond – I know how much this has meant to me, so I want to be able to contribute and learn in that way as well.
The idea that I should begin to compile a readers list for my book when i write it, was very sweet, and I do appreeciate it!:-)
Oh and I showed this piece to my sister and she said “What are the cons of using white ink in a tattoo?”….As I began to explain, (it fades and doesn’t last as well as other colours), I thought Oh my goodness….that is something that I missed completely as a symbolic element all on its own! I just had to share that – Its funny how the simplest question or comment can take reflection to an entirely different level!
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I love your tattoo story – so many layers here. And well developed. About your apology re: being depressing. Writing is only weak when it is all one-sided, when there are no glimpses of good and bad, happy and sad. This was by no means a one-sided view. Very in-depth, very symbolic. (Oh, yeah – that white ink – definitely a place to explore there…)
A writing habit is just that – a habit. You sit down at a prescribed time and write. Like eating lunch or taking a shower, you make time for it when it is as important to you as breathing. (If you wait until you find a convenient, inspired time to write, the pages stay blank – at least mine do.) And your flare for writing says to me that your writing is very important to you.
I am so glad you published with rR – it is a great step. And that way I was able to share your words, your experience. Thank you.
It seems that you are really making meaning with your writing, and I am thinking that is the most important part. First meaning for yourself, and then if you wish, and if the stars align correctly, meaning for all those who eventually read your published work.
And titles are my bane. Yours was perfect!
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[…] Ink Illuminations by Katherine Repka* […]
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[…] to posts: WRITING TOPIC – TATTOOS, Ink Illuminations, dragon haiku trilogy, Dragon Fight — June […]
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