Dee Butterfly, cell phone photo of my oldest daughter when she was about eight years old, photo © 2003-2008 by ybonesy. All rights reserved.
I gave birth to Dee on Labor Day thirteen years ago.
“Some Labor Day!” folks joked afterwards.
It was a beautiful birth. I had her in our bedroom, attended by Jim, my best friend, and our midwife.
For a while I didn’t think I could do it. I was on my back pushing yet nothing was happening. Finally my midwife, who up to then sat quietly in a corner letting me be in control of my birth, came to check on me.
“Ah, your water’s not broken,” she said. I had told her it broke before she got there. “Go into the bathroom and visualize your water breaking. Once it breaks, the baby will come.”
I sat on the toilet and stared at the circles on the linoleum tile. Open, open, open, I said to myself. I closed my eyes and could see a faint imprint of circles in the darkness. Open, open, open. Splash! It worked.
Dee came in to the world in the early morning. I birthed her crouched on the floor beside our bed. The air was cool, sunlight soft. Mexican sunflowers stood guard outside our windows.
Every human being brings with him or her into the world a bundle of traits. Some characteristics deepen with love, others are quashed from lack of support. New talents and quirks emerge based on home life and the world at large, but I know with certainty that every one of us arrives with something and not as a blank slate.
Dee brought with her a fiesty attitude, curiosity, and a natural tendency to question and challenge. She was expressive, sensitive, argumentative. She held her fork in her fist while she waited for her meals, refused to take a bottle, and cried every time she woke up from a nap. She was serious and at times stern. She was also compassionate and could break out crying at the knowledge that someone or something was hurt.
Using the words Brave and Face in a sentence, Dee’s second-grade homework, image © 2002-2008 by ybonesy. All rights reserved.
Jim and I each grew up in homes that stressed respectfulness, courtesy, and good manners. Jim’s parents, especially, valued proper behavior in children. My parents did, too—Grandpa’s motto was, Children are to be seen and not heard. However, Mom’s tendency to rebel against anything conventional translated into exposure to many vices (poker and Black Jack games at any family gathering, smoking, drinking, cussing, etc.).
It was apparent early on that Jim’s ideas about the right way for children to behave would not set well with Dee. Although she was often quiet and inside herself, she never hesitated in voicing her opinions. If she didn’t understand something, she asked questions and always in a way that sounded like she didn’t quite believe what was being said.
Jim’s sister came to visit one day when Dee was three. We were at the kitchen table talking about something that happened when Dee insisted that Jim’s recounting of events was not right and began telling her version. Just as Jim was about to reprimand Dee for the interruption, his sister stopped him.
“Let her be. If you teach her to not speak up when she’s a child, she’ll have a hard time finding her voice as a woman.”
I joined Jim’s sister in describing how so many women I see at work are reserved and conditioned to neither debate nor question, how they let men dominate conversations and meetings. While courtesy was important, we said, Dee carried an innate respect for all humanity. If it came down to teaching proper manners, wouldn’t it be easier to learn good etiquette later in life than it would be to unlearn reticence?
To his great credit, Jim listened to the women in his life. In bringing up his daughters (because he was the one who had the most influence in their early lives) he has resisted the urge to constantly keep them in check. That’s not to say he is overly permissive; he still appreciates a well-behaved child.
For her part, little Miss Dee is a confident, newly annointed teenager. She can be quiet, especially among strangers—another one of those characteristics she brought into this world. But among her friends and family, she continues to speak her mind.
This morning Dee said that tonight she’s not going to cry over leaving behind her childhood. She’s ready for what’s next. (I, however, might be a different case altogether.)
Happy Birthday, Dee! You are an impressive young woman and human being.
[NOTE: I don’t normally publish photos of my family, but this photo of Dee was taken so long ago, plus with the face-painting, I decided it would be fine to share this one.]
Happy Birthday Dee! Welcome to the roller coaster world of teens Ybonesy! She does sound delightful and I love the tattoo art in that picture 🙂
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Thanks, Bo. Yes, the world of teens. You know, her natural tendencies can take on a whole new flavor in this next phase. Hopefully she will not take after her mom as a teen!! 8)
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Hey Dee! Happy 13th Birthday!
When Mom’s not looking…sneak us a piece of cake
Love, Rafael, Otis and Sony
PS… big with lots of icing 😉
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Happy Birthday, Brave, Beautiful, Smart and Curious, Interesting Girl. It is funny how they arrive as persons, isn’t it? And not just babies.
“Let her be. If you teach her to not speak up when she’s a child, she’ll have a hard time finding her voice as a woman.”
Good words. Thanks for the story of her birth. I’ll pass it on to Naomi.
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“I am brave. I like my face.”
Wow. Those words stopped me in my tracks. I can’t imagine knowing those things as a second grader. Good for Dee.
I read a book by Parker Palmer about five years ago that changed my life: Let Your Life Speak. He talks about what you broach in this post: we come to the world with raw material to be the person we’re meant to be/live the life we’re supposed to live. Most of us have to spend years trying to retrieve that person. I’m glad for Dee; it looks like she hasn’t lost track of herself.
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Beautiful, haunting face, and very brave. Thanks for sharing the photo with us. And welcome back, you have been missed! Happy Birthday, Dee – and happy birthday Mom (it’s your day too, to remember and be honored.)
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Happy Birthday Dee and ybonesy. I love it that you recount Dee seeking to correct adults’r reportage when she was merely three years old. Goes to show how children listen so acutely, and watch what goes on around them at even the earliest ages and form opinions based on their perceptions. What marvellous beings young humans are – fresh, beautiful and attentive.
I can imagine Dee’s teachers have loved to enjoy her in their classes and hope her first year in high school is great! G
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Happy Birthday, Dee! If you don’t get it now, parents like your mom and dad are rare. Treasure them even when they become irritating.
As e.e. cummings once said, “To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” You go, GIRL!!!
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Happy Birthday, Dee! I love your butterfly mask from the days of yore. And learning more about how brave and solid you are from the posts your mother writes about you. You have an amazing family.
ybonesy, you added the pieces about how you and Jim were taught different but similar ways to raise children from your own parents. It’s always interesting to see how things get passed down. And then how we can make choices to keep some of what we are taught, and to discard things that might not work for our time, or our family. We are forever evolving. You and Jim are doing a great job teaching Dee what is possible, breaking stereotypes.
Dee, let us know what you got for your birthday. And what your favorite part was! I am always in awe of the way you handle horses with such confidence. You really are brave. And the whole world is opening up to you.
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So happy birthday to your new teenager, Dee.
What a wonderful stage of life you both are entering. How wonderful she is eager to embrace the new. How exciting! Doesn’t it seem as if she has her whole life to anticipate? (Well, now that I think about it, she does have her whole life to anticipate.)
As for being the mother of a newly-minted teen. Totally go with those tears for a few minutes. In a way a bittersweet celebration of what has been, but oh so much more a beginning for what is to come. Scary? Oh, yes. Hard work? Really hard work. Worth every moment? Absolutely. Absolutely. Glory, glory, absolutely!
I just lost my last child to her twenties a few months ago. At the time, I with great amusement figured out how many minutes I had been a mother of a teen. (I love procrastination techniques like this.)
Counting from the first minute my eldest turned 13 til my baby turned 20 — 1,184,107 minutes. 🙂 16+ years. Wow!
BTW, most of those moments bring back good memories, but there are a few hundred that I could have done without. So, all in all, the good far way outweighed the challenging. Life, right?
I kinda miss those teen times. What a ride!
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A tender recounting of your daughter’s personhood. That photo is wonderful. And I do believe some of the personality you describe shines through the expression.
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ybonesy, I’m thinking about what you say about hoping Dee doesn’t take after you as a teen. I’m curious — what qualities do you have that you would want her to have? Either you as a teen or qualities you have now.
Ironically, sometimes I wish I could take on some qualities that a few of the teens I know have. I miss that bravado and, like Bo said, knowing I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me. What happens to that? 8)
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What a beautiful post…..I’m all weepy here. I totally agree with you and Jim’s sister. I have always been encouraged to speak my mind…..I can be a bit of a firecracker, but I’d rather be this way than submissive. Great photo too!
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Heather! It’s a chocolate cake. You know dogs shouldn’t eat chocolate. (Such a bad influence…) 8)
Hey, Rick, thanks for sharing it with Naomi. I’d love to hear her birth story some day. Do your kids like hearing about their births? My daughters LOVE hearing me talk about their births. Em always wants to know about how I had her standing up in the bathroom, her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. She was purple but fine. Dee likes hearing about how I pushed my screams downward, toward my feet, to help push her out.
Teri, maybe it is because my own life was shaped and molded into something I was not naturally (and here I am trying to also find the real me all these years), but I am very cognizant of my own attempts to shape my girls. Yes, I find myself falling into pushing them to do things they aren’t naturally good at, or to be certain ways, and maybe there’s no way to truly prevent oneself from that kind of tendency to mold others. But the good news is, I am aware of it usually when I find myself doing it, and then I stop.
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Ybonesy, thank you for this. It came at the right time for me. I just left my hysterical, screaming six-year-old at her third day of first grade. She was screaming over and over again, “I don’t belong here, I don’t belong here,” while clinging, with all of her strength, to me.
When she doesn’t agree with something or someone, she’s never had difficulty speaking her mind. I think our girls have something in common.
“Let her be. If you teach her to not speak up when she’s a child, she’ll have a hard time finding her voice as a woman.”
I’m not sure why yet, but I find the above words to be greatly comforting.
Thank you for bringing a little light to a very difficult day.
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lil, so good to hear from you! I’ve missed your comments. Thanks for the birthday wish. That was a big deal for me the first year, but I’ve since kind of forgotten that it was my big day, too, to celebrate. Glad you reminded me.
G., I think Dee’s teachers like her. She’s not a people pleaser, and certainly not a teacher’s pet. But I’ve been told by many an adult that she is a very special kid, very deep, and something kind of old and wise inside of her.
Bob, what a fantastic quote. Thank you so much for sharing it. And LOL on your advice about cherishing us even when we become irritating. We’re already there pretty often. 8)
QM, thanks for the comments. Qualities I had that I wouldn’t want her to have? Let me think about that. Maybe it’s not so much the qualities as it is the times. Did you have qualities you wish now that you didn’t?
Bo, it does seem that way, doesn’t it? Wow, we go through so many transitions with our kids, don’t we? Both looking forward to and NOT the empty nest. A double-edged sword, for sure.
Thanks, Jo. Yeah, firecrackers generally get what they need and want.
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I’m going to write “I am brave. I like my face.” on the bathroom mirror.
Dee – inspiring women since the second grade!
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bloomgal, what a great idea. I think I’ll write it in steam every morning after the mirror fogs up. Dee is very inspiring.
ybonesy, ah, I understand now what you meant when you said she would hopefully not take after her mom as a teen. You’re talking more about actions rather than qualities.
Yeah, I have qualities I wish I didn’t. And I also have some I am glad I have. I often wish I moved a little faster through life, was more productive. I admire people like that. But it’s just not me. I’ve had to accept my introverted turtleness. Was it Pop-eye who said, “I yam what I yam?” 8)
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Hey now, I was simply following instructions from Otis’s text message…keep you’re eye on that one!
Chocolate you say?…Dee, sneak me one too? 😉
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Julia, yes, I do think our girls have that in common (will speak up when they don’t like something or don’t feel comfortable). BTW, that reminds me of something I read in Dr. Mary Pipher’s book Reviving Ophelia about parents who sometimes encourage almost to the point of forcing their daughters to hug people the daughters don’t want to hug. Like insisting the girl hug an uncle or a male friend of the family. We naturally react positively to loving children, children who demonstrate their affection, but at the same time, when we force girls who aren’t naturally demonstrative to be so against their nature, we are sending the message that they should not listen to their inner voices.
That was one of the things I found myself doing, wishing Dee would be more affectionate. But then when I read Pipher’s book, I completely stopped pushing Dee to be someone she wasn’t and started trusting her own instincts. They’ve always been so right on target.
Same with team sports. (BTW, QM, no, I was not a team sports person as a kid or ever, although oddly I’m very competitive.) Dee played volleyball last year, and because I’ve heard how good team sports are for kids I at first pushed her to do some extra clinics outside of school. Well, it turned out she liked volleyball that one year because her friends were doing it, but she didn’t have any passion for it (as she does for her horse, for example). So again, I had to remind myself that it wasn’t for me to decide where she spends her extra time. She has passions — Dooley, writing, art. So I let her guide us as to what her passions are and not vice versa.
But it’s definitely something I *constantly* have to remind myself of. Let her passions evolve naturally. Listen to her and trust her.
bloomgal, your comment really made me smile. Thanks.
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QM, I gave more thought to the qualities question. Ones I don’t like so much that I have now (not so much as a child): impatience, and sometimes I give too much of myself away, like agreeing to lead this effort or that effort when those things really aren’t priorities.
I love your turtle-ness. I’ve learned a lot from it. I wouldn’t change it for the world. 8)
Heather, Otis must have gotten a hold of Jim’s cell phone. We recently got a new phone package, which comes with unlimited text messaging, and I bet Otis has gotten adept with his toe pads. Odd for such a big dog.
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8)
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Dee got lots of chuckles out of the comments on this post. bloomgal, she loved your motto…read it outloud to the family.
Big to-do is this weekend. Baking a cake as we speak and wishing I had one of those Tupperware cake holders.
Em wants a post for her birthday. Deal, I told her.
We just watched the Georgia Superintendent of Schools win a million dollars for her schools on “Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?” I got weepy.
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Happy belated birthday to Dee!
Loved the photo of her and her strong spirit..tempered with a gentle heart. I can so relate to that!! hee, hee
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yb, forgot to mention, thank you for a powerful birthing story.
I loved the soft morning light, the Mexican sunflowers. Things you remember, despite the searing tear through your being, you forgot. Our first child was born in a tumble-down farmhouse on a back road in South Carolina, 3 days after Christmas. I was so certain she was a boy, had not even considered I might be surprised. Ariana came out with a powerful set of lungs and intense personal force, and from the moment we knew we had a daughter, it was clear she was meant to be, and was superior to any baby ever born. (Especially those wimpy boys.) Thirty years later, it’s still true.
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Yb,
what a cracker – the post and the portrait. I do believe that the anthropologist Margaret Mead said many years ago that in all societies
a) men can’t have children
b) their behaviour can be explained in terms of attempts to compensate for that inability.
Here’s something that’s always puzzled me:
‘The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.’
What a magnificent utterance (God knows whose it is) – but why isn’t it true?: now THERE’s something to cogitate on.
Birthday haiku for Dee
Let me be what I
am; on being Dee, I am
the world number one!
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Hey, stranger. You’ve been a stranger—so glad to see you back. Your Margaret Mead recollection really does set one to thinking about such things as power. I shall cogitate more on that. 8) I love the word cogitate.
lil, yeah, in my heart I wanted girls. Why do men want boys? Some want girls. Jim has loved having girls, but he did also want a boy. Wasn’t willing to go for #3 to take our chances, though. We got boy dogs instead.
BTW, have you written your birth stories? You should if you haven’t.
Suz, I like that way of saying it: strong spirit tempered by a gentle heart. You nailed it.
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p.s., I survived the weekend with Dee and seven of her friends for a weekend at the cabin. More than survived; I actually had a blast. Jim, too. Flew by. They are a great group of girls. This age (7th grade) is so much fun.
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Today is my oldest babe’s birthday. She has the day off of school, and I’m taking the day off, too. I’m taking her to a movie, shopping, whatever she wants to do. It’s her day. (And then next weekend, a non-holiday weekend, she’ll have a party with friends at the house. Week-long birthday. Ha!)
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Have fun with Dee, ybonesy. So cool that you are both taking off to spend quality time together! Happy Birthday to Dee!
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Such a gorgeous story! I’m sure that she’s continuing to be the most amazing young woman 🙂
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Thanks, Kimberly. That she is!
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Just read through the comments on this post. Ah, what lovely memories and wonderful folks I met through this blog. Wonder what happened to stranger. QM, do you ever hear from him any longer?
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I love doing that, too. Memories of days gone by, long conversations about all kinds of things. I don’t know what happened to stranger. I don’t think the blog is there any longer. I often wonder what has become of some of the people we met that either transitioned on to other sites or dropped off of blogging altogether. Will let you know if I hear anything.
Dee has another birthday coming up soon. Hard to believe that many years have flown by since I met you and your family. Whoosh!
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