The January Wolf Moon was wide and full, smeared across the morning sky the way an artist rubs a chalky finger across gray charcoal on paper. It was Liz that pointed it out to me, half asleep in the kitchen making coffee. By the time I got to the window, she was already out the door with her video camera, taking a long shot of the moon. She still had her pajamas on. It was -5.
January in Minnesota has lived up to its name this year. I become reclusive in cold. My dreams frozen and bending back on themselves like the ice folds on the back roof. Last Thursday, there was such a loud pop at the eaves, that it jolted me out of sleep. I woke Liz up and we both went and stared out the window into the black cold. Helpless. Humans have no recourse against the harshness of winter. If your car or furnace breaks down, or your pipes bust open, it is an instant time machine to the way things used to be.
When the roof jumped out of its skin, we did, too. Liz stuffed her hair under her hat, pulled on her boots, and walked out with a flashlight to inspect the roof. It was 3am. The crunch of her feet on top of the snow sounded like she was in the living room, right beside me. Sound travels quickly through frigid, thin air. I stayed behind, looking up ice dams on the Internet. Turns out, all of this creaking is normal for sub-zero temperatures. But, I tell you, it’s hard to fathom that the roof is not going to just cave in around us.
I have felt a lostness, is that a word, a directionless month. Trying to get on my feet, find my ground. I pulled a Medicine Card yesterday and it was Bat – reversed. The reversed cards are about lessons that need to be learned, an unwillingness to embrace the individual power rolling your way. Bat is about Rebirth. In the reversed stage, she is telling me to get going, to move on toward my dreams and goals. The Universe is supporting me. But if I can’t let it lift me, or push against it with resistance, all those dreams will come tumbling down.
At the extreme, the resistance of reversed Bat leads to a lifetime of saying, “I’m going to do that tomorrow” – and then I’m at the end of my life and the things I dreamed of have not been accomplished. If everything is laid out for you, why not take the bait? Usually, for me, it is fear. Or not having a solid practical plan. I am good at dreaming. For follow through, I have to make a structured plan.
I’ve been resisting. Because I know how much work it’s going to take to move forward. I have had the luxury of time to rest the last month and a half. I am deeply grateful for that gift. Now, I need to take action. I feel overwhelmed. I need to remember, day by day, one step at a time. I don’t have to do everything all at once. One step at a time. Never give up on your dreams.
So when the Full Wolf Moon slid a dewdrop of reflected sunlight through the slats in the blind, and Kiev was running around like a maniac last night, I tried to pay attention to my dreams. But I was so tired, all that came was sleep.
In the morning, French Roast helps a little. And thinking about the death of Heath Ledger. So young. It makes no sense. There is nothing like death to wake you up. I just took a swig out of the amber Taos Mountain Outfitters water bottle and thought about walking around Taos. Water and caffeine dehydrate; water and mountain drench. The cells have everything they need to climb. Now – take the next step.
-posted on red Ravine, Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
-related to posts, winter haiku trilogy and What Is Your Totem Animal?
QM, I left a comment earlier on the post winter haiku trilogy & now I read this post! What a great connection! I had commented about the Screech Owl J & I have been noticing. Then I went into the what is your totem animal post? & what I discovered about owls on one of the links posted by YB began to make sense. Thanks again to both you & YB for awakening my senses with such wonderful & intriguing posts! D
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boy. With the amount of huge bats flying out of my (mental) root cellar these days, I’m about to have a litter, never mind one rebirth 😉
and that roof popping? remember it well at our old farmhouse in the Québec countryside. It was an old metal roof; when the weather went down below the -20s, the screws would start popping out of the roof – like the sound of bullets in the night. What’s that? Not very restful, no.
(good luck with the bats – you know they hand upside down when they sleep, right? maybe they just need to sleep a bit longer.)
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Quoin Monkey! THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! Usually, I have posted on Ybonesy’s entries and when I stopped by today I see your beautiful voice just here! I can only just extend a big hug to you, totally relate to the fear, the reflection, everything you mentioned as well as the moon. Funny you should speak of it. Just last night the oddest thing, a brilliant full ultra clear moon on a frigid starry night (I am just about near Canada, damn cold it is!) — I was feeling that overwhelming-ness you mentioned. And to my surprise put on my sons hiking boots (too lazy to buy my own!) and waltzed out into the open freezing starry night with no coat. I just walked around the land; three times. Normally, I would shy from direct exposure to the cold, and the darkness (we have alot of wild creatures out here!), but it was just one of those things…. HUGS! I AM DREAMING RIGHT ALONG WITH YOU!
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diddy, I thought of your Screech Owl and how clear it sounded to you in the winter haiku trilogy comment you made. I bet it does have to do with how clear the air is when it gets cold. You can hear everything so much better. Does the Screech Owl hoot? Or is it another kind of sound. I’m trying to remember.
Lee’s River, wow, the screws would start popping out of the roof? I had never heard of that. I can imagine, screws popping out against tin must be jolting in the quiet of the Canadian winter night. Thanks for the reminder about the bats hanging upside down to sleep. Perhaps all I do need is a bit longer hanging in all this confusion. 8)
Sibyllae, thank you so much for your support. It’s good to know that others are feeling a little vulnerable, too. Sometimes when I throw these crazy fears out there I can feel so exposed.
I love your story about walking the land with no coat last night under the full moon. You did exactly what I felt like doing. I can imagine how clear the skies must have been that far north. All those stars popping like diamonds.
I was feeling under the weather yesterday and stayed inside. But for some reason, when Liz got home, I decided to go outside on the deck, no boots, no coat, no gloves (only pajamas and a pair of penny loafers) and sweep the snow off the deck. It was dry and easy to sweep. But it was about -1 outside and by the time I got back in, my hands were frozen to the bone. I have no idea why I wanted to do that but it was exhilarating. That’s how I imagine your walk.
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QM, what struck me about the piece was how calm your voice was even as it spoke of being overwhelmed. Does the full wolf moon have a calming effect on you?
Also, the cold, cold. Popping roofs and eaves. Just thinking of that kind of popping cold makes me shiver. The outside, the black cold out there, must have seemed so close, just a window and walls and heating holding the cold out, away from you.
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This was just… beautiful, QM. You captured this time of year so well.
I think it’s hard not to resist moving forward during the month of January when nature seems to be telling us to gather close, stay indoors, and hibernate for a little while longer.
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QM,
I doubt anyone took a chance at their dream without a great deal of fear in their heart. And Death should not only wake you, but slap you in the face. NOW is the time to make your dreams happen. You are not guaranteed tomorrow. You are my age and we have waited long enough…out of this fear.
I am terrified of failing at my dream. I am total making it up as I go along but I AM going to do it! I AM going to take one risk in my life. If I fail, if YOU fail…we have tried…and there won’t be any looking back and saying “I wish I had…” out of that fear.
One step in front of the next. You have Liz to push you from behind. You go girl…you go NOW!
I wish you love, I wish you courage
Heather
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BTW…it rained today…I still wore sandals 😉
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Here’s a link to a wolf moon poem I saw, and thought of you, qm:
http://www.sbpoet.com/2008/01/snapshot-poem-2.html
This right here is a poem:
The January Wolf Moon was wide and full, smeared across the morning sky the way an artist rubs a chalky finger across gray charcoal on paper.
And this too:
I become reclusive in cold. My dreams frozen and bending back on themselves like the ice folds on the back roof.
Your description of the cold is so strong – I can feel the brittle achiness of it all the way in Georgia, where the damp gets in my bones.
Even when you don’t remember your dreams as images, the feelings are still there, and you’re in tune with them, like a hibernating bear. For you, the dreams reverberate into a tone. Maybe you’re hearing them, touching them, just not seeing. Sight is not all, even though you take stunning photos.
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[…] over. That’s why I didn’t write about moons. I wrote about wolves. -related to posts, Practice – Wolf Moon – 10min and What Is Your Totem […]
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QM,
Nice!
MM
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must be the season. must be the cold weather. this air that embraces us. we are, after all, animals and connected to the earth. i don’t know what dream you are pursuing, but in the meantime it sounds like you are planting seeds. i read on abcoops blog something about the fact that there are only so many gestures and we are all conduits performing a series of gestures that belie any kind of individual essence. so maybe it is not only your dream, but the dream, that is unfolding. and maybe it is not so much “what” we do but “how” we do it.
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That resonates with me, dreamlistener. The “how” we do it. I’m sure I’ve said this before on the blog (you can only comment for so long before you start repeating yourself big time) that I had a boyfriend who once told me that artists are not people who make art. They’re people who see and live life a certain way. I always remember him saying, a janitor can be an artist.
I know I’m chasing still the dream of being a writer (with a published book) and an artist, recognized as such. Yet, if I die tomorrow, will something be unfinished in my life? Maybe not.
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I’ve been wanting to come back to this post and comment but am just getting the chance for thoughtful reflection. ybonesy, the Moon does have a calming effect on me. It’s my ruling astrological planet (which can sometimes drive me crazy because my emotions ebb and flow with her, too). Part of my lesson this time around has been to learn not to be ruled by emotions or make decisions from those places.
The dead cold of January has been quite humbling. We live in a very small house, cabin-like in size, and we are close to the furnace and water heater, things that might normally be tucked away in larger homes. So we are very aware of what’s going on with the house. When it gets this cold, there is only the walls, roof, and glass between you and the elements. I think that’s part of the reason I love winter so much – it humbles me. And the cold makes me feel alive!
BTW, I hope you are feeling better today. 8)
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Heather, thanks so much for your vote of confidence. Though I am feeling better today than I did when I wrote this practice (thank goodness for change), I am still feeling like I am holding back somehow. Slow moving. Resting. But I’m aware, as you are, that time is ticking and I’m not getting any younger. I appreciate the support of this community.
ybonesy, if I died tomorrow without completing some of the project irons I have in the fire, I do feel like something would be unfinished, some of dreams unrealized. I don’t have regrets. But I have so much passion for the projects I am working on at the moment, that I am driven to want to finish them. Perhaps my humble contribution to posterity. The resistance I feel, I believe, is what Natalie calls the Guardian at the Gate – I’m getting closer to the jewels!
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C, wow, when I read your comment again, I feel moved. Thank you for what you said about dreams. That I am listening, even though I might not be remembering by sight what I am dreaming. It had not dawned on me that I might be remembering in other ways. Thanks for the wolf poem link, too. BTW, if I lived in Georgia again, I would really miss these cold winters. I’m just not a summer person at all!
mm, thank you!
dream listener, I like what you mention – not what we do but how we do it. Intention. I need to remember to continue to set intention. All things will follow from that, all part of a larger whole.
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[…] the Full Wolf Moon fades and we head into the next New Moon, it is a good time to begin something new. The New Moon […]
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Now dogs – that IS another subject!
I can’t figure dogs out – by all the obvious criteria, I would think they must be top of the tree, spiritually – if so, how come they’re down below getting sat on by us?: it puzzles me.
Hope you’re better, yb.
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I got confused, QM, not realising it was your post – now I’ve read it – very vivid about the cold – hard to imagine why in far more primitive times people would have been prepared to subject themselves to the cold, whose menacing presence you capture. Maybe you can enlighten us on the Magic of Minnesota?
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stranger, you mean I haven’t done that already in my writings on red Ravine? 8) Minnesota *is* magical in the winter. It can also be a harsh climate. And the summers can be hot and muggy, with those pesky tornados whipping through once in a while.
But I love the weather here. It makes me feel alive. There is no amount of convincing anyone that they would enjoy the winter here if they are not a person who likes cold climates. There are many native Minnesotans who hate the winters but love living here for all the other reasons I often write about, so they stay. I just happen to be person who loves winter.
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