Heart & Soul, Mabel Dodge Luhan House, on the hill behind the zendo, Taos, New Mexico, February 2007, photo © 2007 by QuoinMonkey. All rights reserved.
My sister-in-law told me about a book she’d recently received as a gift, The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. It’s about the ways individuals express love. And the ways they like to have love expressed to them. What makes you feel loved?
On a recent 62 degree November day, I was taking a walk by the Susquehanna River with my mother, and we started talking about the subject of love. The lively discussion led to many questions.
What if the way you are able to give love is not appreciated by your partner or spouse? What if your partner or spouse doesn’t know what makes him or her feel loved? What about friends? Isn’t it important that they know the things that make you feel appreciated?
According to Chapman, there are 5 primary languages of love:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Think about the things that make you feel loved. Are they acts of service. Thoughtfulness. Gratitude. Is quality time high on your list. How deep is the well. Half empty? Half full? To love we need to be able to both give and receive. How do you like to receive? How is learning to receive different than taking?
If you’re having a hard time answering, Chapman provides some clues, questions to ask yourself to help determine your primary language:
1) What does your partner or spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply. The opposite is probably your love language.
2) What have you most often requested of your partner, spouse, or friends? That thing is the thing that will probably make you feel most loved.
3) In what way do you regularly express love to your partner, spouse, or friends? That method may also make you feel loved.
After answering the 3 questions above, pick up your pen and do three, 15-minute writing practices:
I feel loved when…
What hurts me the most is…
I know my friends care about me when…
The journey is discovery. Where would we be without love?
-posted on red Ravine, Tuesday, November 20th 2007
Nice. My answers to the questions rather surprised me.
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What a great post and intriguing questions. Not to hijack, but I posted something on this last week.
I’m not one for writing exercises, but I’ll give this one a shot.
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I remember talking about this on the way to the airport. I need to give this some thought and see how it fits into past relationships, and my current relationships with my kids.
Thanks.
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stevo, thanks for pointing out your post. Strange how thoughts about certain things run on these separate yet parallel planes. I guess that’s what makes blogging so appealing.
QM, I love the depth of this post. The questions, I can already tell, are going to make me think about love in a way that I don’t really do much these days. Good. I need to. A lot going on in our lives (mine, Jim’s) that seems to try one another. How we love, what makes us hurt — these are important questions to reflect on to help me through these hurdles.
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Oh, this post is perfect to reflect upon. What it is to love and be loved in return, paying love forward. I’ll work on this prompt. Thank you! G
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QM,What a great post! As you know I have read Gary Chapmans book. I learned that Quality Time is foremost important to me. My husband & I left our corporate jobs in January of this year. Our desire was to spend quality time with our families,friends, & most importantly,with each other. What began as a 3 month hiatus has turned into almost a year. What a great year it has been! In May we purchased a humble vacation home on an island on the Susquehanna river. It is a boat to shore location. The time we spent there this summer was incredible. We opened our camp to family & friends. The camp is known as the Lazy Hog Inn. The quality time that we have shared will be most memorable. I think pmousse said it all, the answers to the questions can be quite surprising!D
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This practice is going to be tough for me, but I’m getting out my new black pen, preparing for the page. I’m the type who just sweeps love under the carpet. Time to do a fall cleaning!
The photo essay with peeks at the ribboned heart is endearing. The tiny burst of red in the rocks and trees reminds me of hope in the depths of winter.
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pmousse, I have been surprised my answers, too. I’m still pondering them.
stevo, thanks for the link. I think some of these meatier topics are ones that swirl around in all of our heads and hearts. But it takes something like art and writing to make them more concrete. If you give this writing Topic a shot, let us know! I’d love to read it.
G. to love and be loved. Two distinctly different things. And then paying attention to what that means. It’s kind of mind-boggling. Looking foward to your writing practice.
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alittlediddy, thanks for pointing out the book. I didn’t have a chance to read the whole thing, but the ideas presented really got me thinking about love. And I ended up talking about it with Mom and R3, too. Interesting discussions.
It’s a gift that you’ve gotten to take quality time away from work. I gave myself that after 9 years in my corporate job and did the same thing as you did (unintentionally) – what started out as 3 months, turned into a year. I found it took me a year, just to recoup from all the stress. I think quality time is a big one for me, too.
I love the name Lazy Hog Inn. 8) The Susquehanna will always have a place in my heart, the same way the Mississippi that flows around me in these parts.
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C, you got a new black pen? Perfect. I love office products. I haven’t met a writer yet that doesn’t! Looking forward to your writing practice on this Topic.
And thanks for your comments on the photo essay. I took the photographs in the silence in Taos last year at a writing Intensive. We were sitting either over or near Valentine’s Day and one day these little red hearts just appeared at different places along the path and outside the zendo. It was magical for me. The little dabs of red in the middle of winter really made me smile. I was happy to have found a little posting home for them.
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R3, if you feel inspired, do a 15 writing practice on this Topic and send it to us at red Ravine. But at the very least, after you’ve had time to think about it, let’s talk more about love. Especially as it relates to family relationships and kids.
It really made me think: am I giving love to the people close to me in the ways they really want to receive?
ybonesy, I’ve been pondering the Topic, too. As it relates to my relationship to Liz and to my friends and to my family. I think love, like sex, is something that people feel very deeply, but never talk about with those close to them. It makes me wonder why we take such important topics for granted. I think it has to do with intimacy (at least for me). I have to think (and write) about it more.
You know something else I thought about in relationship to this Topic, is that being in love is not necessarily the same as loving. I have fallen in love with people who didn’t have a clue how to love me or make me feel loved. And I bet I’ve done the same to others. That really puts a chink in the armor of the shining knight(ess).
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I love the picture near the bottom with what looks like a rough-hewn bench in it near the stum and the tree.
This made me think. I don’t know if I will write on it, but it’s interesting to ponder.
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