A little kindness goes a long way. Simple things. I thought about kindness quite a bit last week when I was visiting with my family in Pennsylvania. The way everyone chips in to help each other in our family. It’s not like that for everyone. I don’t take it for granted.
The family donated money toward a ticket to fly me home for Mom’s 70th birthday. It was a last minute thing. She was completely surprised. The smile on her face said it all; every single penny was worth it.
What’s that saying, when you set your intention, then Providence follows? I can’t remember who said it, but it basically means nothing is impossible. When you set your intention on kindness toward others, the Universe lines up behind you.
I believe in things I can’t see. I believe in kindness. And generosity. And love.
My brother took off of work to drive me 2 1/2 hours to Dulles, both ways, 10 hours of his time and energy on the road. The whole extended family cooked for the birthday gathering. My brother and sister-in-law let me stay at their home the first two days I was there so Mom wouldn’t find out about the surprise.
My sister drove over to Mom’s to visit with me after a long day of work. A younger brother and his wife traveled from Delaware, a long night’s drive for them with my nephew. Everyone adjusted their schedules, gave up time and money, so that everything could come together.
We aren’t a family that talks much about feelings or emotions. There’s a lot of humor, cutting up, and bantering back and forth. But when it comes down to pulling together for family – my family is a winner.
Of course, the independence and resourcefulness we value means we don’t ask for help until things get pretty down and out (not the best emotional strategy). I’m the worst at thinking I can do it all alone. But when I hit hard times a few years ago, and finally got the courage to reach out, they were there. I didn’t have to ask twice. And they didn’t expect anything in return.
True generosity is giving without expecting anything in return. “We’re all family,” they say. “That’s the way you treat family.”
I’m not saying our family is perfect. By no means is that true. We’ve all got our problems, hang-ups, and quirks. We’re much like my sister said in her first comment on red Ravine – a vibrant patchwork quilt that all seems to fit together, no matter the pattern or stitch work, no matter how tattered or worn the cloth.
The whole is stronger than its individual parts. Kindness is the glue. We were taught respect for elders. And politeness. Manners. My brother still opens the car door for me. So did my step-dad when Mom and I were Down South in June. I never thought I’d admit how much I love that they do that.
I remember when I was a fiery young woman in my 20’s: a feminist, angry, wanting equals rights and pay for all women. It was a good cause, creating awareness and change. And I just could not understand when Mom said she still loved to have the car door opened for her, that she valued the feeling of care and respect. To me, chivalry was dead. A way to keep women in their places.
I’m much older now. I finally understand; it’s not about gender. Manners, politeness, altruism, and courtesy toward others are becoming a thing of the past. I recently heard a statistic that Americans are the most generous people in the world when it comes to donating money and giving to charity, yet we’ve jumped the fast track to rudeness, entitlement, rage, and lack of basic kindness toward others.
We’re losing sight of what’s important. Liz and I noticed the grocery clerk was rude to us in the checkout line last night. It was hard to smile at her. To turn the other cheek. What about simply asking if she was okay? Or if she had a hard day.
Maybe we *should* go back to living by clichés and recovery slogans. Keep it simple. Let go and let God. Work harder to be kind.
-posted on red Ravine, Monday, November 19th, 2007
-from Topic post, WRITING TOPIC – KINDNESS & POLITENESS
Beautifully expressed, QuoinMonkey. Your family sounds lovely … and if they were perfect, they’d probably drive you crazy.
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QM, So wonderful to hear a little bit about you and your family. I know you are private, like me, but a fragment here and there and I get a better picture of the unique person inside, beyond the soulful writer. You.
My family is very much like yours, no questions, no big emotions… but when needed, we are all there. I call them my “tribe”as we come from many ethnic backgrounds, with so many different life experiences.
Not that many people are as fortunate as you and I and I see that we are both grateful for our blessings and do not take them for granted.
I find, in this world, even if someone is rude to you, there is usually something behind it …having nothing what-so-ever to do with you… and if you can learn to turn the other cheek, show them grace… in-spite of the circumstance…at some point, you will be rewarded with someone’s kindness in return.
🙂 H
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QM I really enjoyed that . It is great that women want to be equal in someways but we have lost a lot in the process. I enjoyed the little things like opening the car door,being respected just because I was a woman. I don’t want to be a man or do all the things a man has to do anymore than a man wants to do all that we do.
If we each just do what needs to be done to help each other when it needs to be done. Not feel like that’s a woman’s job or that’s a man’s job. Maybe I have the time to cut the grass and my husband or partner doesn’t or they have the time to start supper or change the baby when I can’t. Just do it and it will all come together with love and get done.It doesn’t mean that either is less of a man or woman.
Of course sometimes we have to wait for a man to do things for us , like not be in a hurry to open the car door and he will. Some times if we just have a little patience and don’t complain so much we would be surprised how much would get done and how much our partner really loves and cares about us. This is for any gender.
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Good point, pmousse. Perfection is not necessarily what we’re all striving for here. 8) I’m learning to love all their quirks. I hope they can love mine!
Heather, I guess I am a private person. It doesn’t seem as much so to me one-on-one with people in person. But in the blogosphere domain, and in the spirit of the mission of red Ravine, I am finding I don’t reveal as much as I might otherwise.
It’s cool that your family is like mine. We need our “tribes” to get us through hard times. And to share the joy of the good ones. I like the phrase, show them grace. Liz and I were talking about our different interactions with the rude clerk last night. I chose to remain neutral – I kind of made her invisible, rather than engaging. Later, I kind of wish I had engaged her, to offer a kind word. Next time…
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This practice seemed to allow space for you to reflect on a week with family, QM.
I do think those recovery slogans have staying power because they’re so simple, so common sensical. I tend to mirror back what I see in others. I probably wouldn’t have said anything to the supermarket clerk, either. Yet, when I think about it, if I let myself be the mirror, I’m never going to get anything more than what I’m given.
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Working in retail is hard at times. I know when my customers are rude I just try to be extra nice. Usually something has happened to them to make them that way. If I can bring a little pleasantness into their life their attitude usually changes right away.
I have customers that will come to me to check out just because I try to have time for them and not make them feel like it’s a chore to wait on them. A smile is the best medicine, and I recently read on a church sign ” Laughter is just a smile that burst ” I really liked that. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we had more burst smiles?
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Mom, I really like this:
And this:
How did you get so wise? 8)
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Mom, I know exactly what you mean about working retail. I worked over a year in a large chain bookstore after I left my corporate job. There were those who were demanding, rude, and impatient and it helped to offer a smile and turn their day. It didn’t always work! But it made me feel better!
Then there were those customers that were a joy to wait on. They would start up conversations about books or authors and make my day. People have amazing lives when we stop to listen to them.
I can totally see how you would have your loyal customers who would want to check out to your kindness and listening ear. Maybe people will read these comments and be a little nicer to their retail and grocery clerks this Holiday season. 8)
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ybonesy, it’s true, I feel very reflective this week. And especially after spending time with my family last week. I just felt so lucky and grateful.
I’m usually contemplative this time of year. The darkness comes with the winter change of season and I love to go inside. It rejuvenates me for the coming light in Spring. I do love to hibernate.
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QM,
I wish I could send this to every person in my life that tells me “you’re so sweet” or “you’re too kind” or “why are you so nice”, or my favorite . . . “are you for real?” My usual response is, “that’s just who I am”.
If every person that said these things would read your post they would see that I am who I am based on my upbringing, and that there are 5 other siblings that are just the same!
Thank you Mom. If you ever doubt your selfworth in this world, take a look at each one of your six children and know that you have blessed the world with loving, caring adults. And that these loving, caring adults are blessing their children and everyone they touch with values and kindness instilled by you!
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I know I’ve said this before in other posts on red Ravine, but I do worry about the bad rap that “politeness” and “common courtesy” have gotten in our society. I see it so much in my workplace, in particular. It’s almost as if nice = weak. I wonder why. Nice guys finish last??
Anyway, that was what was going through my mind when I read through the comments again. Grits in PA, you said you’d like to share this post with the incredulous folks who’ve wondered if you’re for real (my paraphrasing). I’d also like to share the post with all those people I work with who see niceness as a flaw. And I tell you, the higher up they climb, the worse they become. (Or is it cause and effect?)
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[…] 21, 2007 by QuoinMonkey I write often about the movement of Providence. She is tied to Goethe’s dreams, but she is not Goethe. Each time I write of Providence, I […]
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Grits in PA, thank you for your kind comment. I hope Mom sees it, too. Thanks to all the Mom’s (and Dad’s) who work hard to instill good values, kindness and politeness, respect for elders, and manners in their kids.
ybonesy, nice guys finish last…it is a lot like that in many corporate environments. That’s a part of the reason I left. I felt like I was always having to defend and stand up for the people I managed, the underdogs. It was a thankless job. But I sure learned a lot about the way the world works.
Niceness is considered a weakness in some environments. I still cling to my (maybe naive) belief, that kindness and competitiveness can live side by side. Strong, yet kind.
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I’m with you. Nothing more refreshing in my workplace than to see a strong AND kind vice president. Rare birds, those.
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