Dear Makers of Exceptionally Good Digital Cameras,
I write with a proposition I think you’ll find too good to pass up.
Send me one of your top-of-the-line digital cameras, and I will post on this blog unimaginable images of giant bull snakes, wild feral turkeys, and other natural phenomena.
No, I am not a photographer by training nor a particularly excellent one. (That would be my partner in blog, QuoinMonkey.) I’m not one of those earnest and, yes, talented people on Flickr who’ve been taking shots, what?, less than a year and already get oodles of comments and awards on each photo. (I know people like that, though. They make me sick.)
I am a writer and a doodler. A documentarian (is that a word?) of life’s big and small moments. And a klutz.
My old digital camera — which was not really old (it would have been a year this Christmas) nor mine (a gift to my husband) — sits at the bottom of our pond. Which is murky and much deeper than I ever knew. And stinky once you upset the lovely lily pads that float at the top.
By now, I’m certain, the camera has become an algae-covered metallic mess — the display forever corroded, and the memory card, too. Forever lost, too, are the shots of the phenomenal sunset I was photographing the evening I backed up one step too many.
Finally, I am over the trauma of doing a standing splits while black and gold koi swam under my leg, as if it were a bridge introduced for their enjoyment. I am ready to get on with my apprenticeship as a budding photographer.
I want to take shots of Baby, our pet snake, before he or she goes into hibernation. And then there’s the matter of the 11 large-sized “baby” turkeys, each of whom I’d like to shoot portraits and ask readers to submit cute turkey names (since I’m getting sick of chasing them off the patio shouting, “Get out of here you turkey-assed turkey, and you, stupid turkey, go away!, and you, you dumb turkey, move it!”).
Time is ticking. I need your help. I am not picky. Anything over $500 retail value will suit me fine. (Note to QM: should I ask for something more expensive?) I’m a quick study, so don’t worry about all the fancy stuff none of us ever learns. I’ll figure it out.
And while you’re at it, can you let the makers of exceptional cell phones know that I dropped mine into the toilet last Sunday before I went out of town. I wouldn’t mind one of those, too.
Thanks in advance for your generosity,
ybonesy
Has anyone called Oprah?
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That is an excellent idea! I will contact her if I don’t get a bite from the camera makers.
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lolol..Maybe you should just send the crossed out bits. Turkey- assed turkeys gave me a really good laugh. Cell phone… in the toilet? How…?
Y’know what- Nevermind.
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You crack me up!
What a great way to end my day. It seems I have been on the go all day and you lifted my spirits and gave me a big smile before I turned off the light.
Great letter. I say send it as is, and if they offer you a cell phone make sure they give you a nice blackberry or maybe an iPhone but make sure the phone has a camera in it so you have a backup.
R3
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I so want to know if it works. It’s high time letter writing became a lucrative career.
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ybonesy,
My big gripe is that digital cameras aren’t waterproof.
MM
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When I saw the name “Paul Sunstone,” my heart skipped a beat. I thought, there’s a name that sounds like someone who might work for a maker of exceptionally good digital cameras! Hey, glad to hear from you regardless, and you bet, I’ll let you know if it works. (HEAR THAT?, camera makers, I will let the world know you do this if you do it!)
mm – I just had that conversation (about waterproof devices) with the cell phone salesman on Wed.
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What a great letter, yb. I laughed out loud when I read it this morning. What’s with the water dunking antics?! I couldn’t believe when you contacted me from Portland to tell me your cell phone took a dive. I didn’t know it was into the toilet! I’m dying to know the details of that one. But, then again, I think I’ll stick with amuirin…uh, Never you mind. 8)
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[…] jessica wrote an interesting post today on […]
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I hope they bite. I’d like to see what perspectives you capture.
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Heh. I like it when you write while perturbed! But why is the trackback above this comment calling you “jessica”? And you really ought to give some consideration to payittome.com… Click on the “Concept” page. Either way, I want to see pics of Baby.
P.S. “Butterball” and “Honeysuckle” sound like good names to me.
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LOL. Other turkey names: Smoked, Pepper, Honeycured, Barbie-Q, Yum-Yum, Miss Thanksgiving, Grace…
I think the Jessica pingback is one of those scrawlers that grab and “re-publish” others’ material. I was going to spam it, but then it amused me so much that they’d named me “Jessica.” Turkeys!
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More turkey names: Jennie-O, Giblet, Snood, Ben Franklin, Stove Top….
Ugh, those scrawlers. What ARE we going to do about them, Jessica?
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Ben Franklin? That’s a good one!! How about Martha Stewart? I mean, she has a farm called Turkey Something, doesn’t she?
QM, what name do you hope the scrawlers give to you? Loretta? Noona?
–signed, Jessica
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Martha Stewart…that’s great. Yeah, that 1800’s farmhouse on Turkey Hill Road somewhere in Connecticut. Does the farm itself have a name? Probably.
Let’s see…I’ve always been fond of Wonder Woman. 8) Or maybe Shane (made famous in The L Word). No Noona’s – Please!
-signed, x (tbd)
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Name one of the poults “Presidential Pardon”.
You could do a turkey photo thing with the new camera like the cat thing, “I Has Cheezburger”, and call it “I Has Cranbereez”.
You MUST send that letter ‘as is’, with the hilarious cross outs. Funn-nney!!
What could it hurt? You might well get a camera for your efforts.
Tell them you will link to their site…
Thanks for telling the camera story.
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http://www.whitehouse.gov/holiday/thanksgiving/photoessay/index.html
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leslie, you’re hilarious. I kind of like the ring of I Has Cranbereez. Whatever happened to I Has Cheezburger, anyway? It used to be on the front page all the time with that big pixelated cheeseburger.
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Thanks for posting the link, leslie. Until I clicked on it, I was thinking Bush had pardoned some rich white-collar criminal.
Every moment that goes by, I am missing out on photo opps for my I CAN HAS CRANBERREEZ blog. For example, this morning I heard Jim yelling outside. Later, I asked him what happened. It turns out that when my cell phone replacement arrived, the turkeys had the Fed Ex guy surrounded in the driveway. See what I mean??
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http://icanhascheezburger.com/
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yb, ROTFL!
leslie, oh, dear, cheeseburger or not, Mr. Stripeypants would feel right at home.
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You had better send that letter off ASAP… 🙂
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Today’s word of the day is a perfect name for your poults –
myrmidon – A loyal follower, especially one who executes orders without question, protest, or pity.
or maybe leftovers, drumstick, wishbone, gravy
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I like that, R3. I like how nasally it sounds when you say it over and over. If I were to name them as a collective, myrmidon would be the perfect name. (Well, except for the “without protest” part. My turkeys protest constantly. They are currently striking in the very back of the yard, near where Jim is pruning the Russian Olive.)
Or, you’re giving me ideas on themes. Maybe a body parts theme: giblets (as suggested by “Shane”), drumstick, wishbone, neck…
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I’m partial to Wishbone, from R3. Are they carrying little strike banners?
Fair Wages For Turklets
March To A Different Drum(Stick) Together!
Have Jim give us a report, live from the Russian Olive.
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I would name them all after your least favorite politicians… because, just imagine the fun and satisfaction of it, as you yell their name, followed by your favoite crossed-out comments copied from above!
(“______ Get out of here you turkey-assed turkey, and ______ you, stupid turkey, go away!, and _____ , you dumb turkey, move it!”)
You get to fill -in the blanks….
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Excellent suggestion. Dick Cheney, G-W, G-H, Condi, Mitt, Rush Limbaugh, (I think I’m going to run out of turkeys)…
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QM…the strike is over. Jim reports that they were protesting the use of the word “turkey.” He says the best sign was “Who ya callin’ turkey, human!”.
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Wait a month, then send your letter to Santa, North Pole, Canada, HOH OHO.
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ok, after reading i offer my first comment:
how about drumline???
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I like that. Is that like a chorus line? They could form a natural drumline.
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Didn’t you accidentally drop your high-end laptop in the toilet, too? And the keys to your black Jaguar convertible? 🙂
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I don’t like convertibles. They muss up my hair.
But I did drop my laptop into the outhouse the other day while I was multi-tasking.
So, yes…
“Dear Steve Jobs,
I have an interesting proposition for you. You send me a MacBook Pro, and in return I will consult with you on what to wear in place of the black turtleneck.”
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I can’t imagine Jobs would be able to resist an offer like that!
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It’s important to personalize a letter when you know who you’re sending it to, I think.
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[…] is there any food? *Drumline = a name suggested by one of red Ravine’s readers during a lively conversation about what to name our 11 […]
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Please let me know if this wonderful letter does its job. There are a few expensive tidbits I could use.
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