Last week I read the book Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, Ph.D., and this week Jim is reading it. For anyone who hasn’t heard of this book, you’ll nonetheless recognize the phenomenon it describes — the adolescent girl’s loss of self.
Just think of a typical 10- or 11-year-old girl. Gangly, unconcerned with how she looks, willing to speak her mind without fear of embarrassment, curious, brash, silly. Now picture the same girl at ages 12, 13, 14. She’s moody, sometimes sullen, often preoccupied with saying just the right thing or saying nothing at all since nothing can’t be judged as “dumb” by her peers.
I’m reading Reviving Ophelia because in the short time Dee’s been in middle school, I see subtle changes in her and her small group of friends. I also see big differences between them and some of the other girls their age. I figure Dee is heading to where those other girls are, and I’m hoping I can help guide her journey there.
I’m also reading the book because friends of mine who are therapists working with girls this age suggested I read it. I’m taking their advice because I love who Dee is at her core, and I want to do what I can to help her be faithful to her true (goofy, in-awe-of-nature, big-hearted, mischievous) self.
It’s a lot harder to navigate the halls of adolescence today than it was when I was a kid. Yes, we had peer pressure and parents (like mine) who weren’t always overly involved in our lives. We had pot, and we had beer, and we had Annie Greensprings. But at least our media-influenced “ideals” were mostly about long, straight hair and white teeth (a.k.a. Marsha Brady and Laurie Partridge).
Today, tweens have the temptations of drugs, alcohol, and sex, plus they’ve been bombarded with images of a narcissist heiress leaving prison in skinny jeans and Marcello Toshi shoes, a genitalia-shaving-and-flashing drunken celebrity who parties and rehabs, parties and rehabs, and who else? Lindsay Lohan?
Dee and her peers live in a world of tube tops and breast implants and nose jobs. They’ve got girl-bashing music and sexualized everything. When last did they hear that it was en vogue to be kind to unpopular kids, to care about the poor, or be concerned by global warming?
This is not a now-that-she’s-in-middle-school revelation. Dee’s first day of second grade: A fellow seven-year-old arrives at our house wearing black mini skirt, black boots to her knee, red-and-black off-the-shoulder t-shirt, and black fingerless gloves that go past her elbow. She looks like a baby hooker.
You can say (I did) that that girl’s parents weren’t on the ball. That they were at fault for buying their daughter that get-up. But the point is, that get-up was available at stores everywhere! That and t-shirts touting bad girls and sexy girls and spoiled girls. Elementary-aged girls can wear their own versions of the same high heel shoes that adult women wear.
Reviving Ophelia isn’t about anything we parents and others don’t already see and know, but it is a wake-up call to something for which I’ve become inured:
We are going backwards.
The other day, Dee brought me a Halloween circular from Party City. “Who’s this,” she asked, pointing to a woman with tall pinkish-white hair. “That’s Marie Antoinette,” I said. Then I started to study the image.
I’ve included it at the end of this post. Take a look. They’re all women, and every one of them, without exception, is a sex kitten. This is the front cover; the back cover is just like it.
Alarmed, I rifled through the rest of the mail. I came across a postcard for a rug-cleaning company. I’ve included the flier’s image at the end of this post, too. Look at it. Tell me what you see. How old do you think the girl in the photo is? And what exactly does her near-naked body add to the notion of rug cleaning??
Wake up fathers, mothers, aunts!
Tell the 11- and 12-year-old girls in your life about lookism. Point out to them what it is society thinks they should be. Encourage them to choose different options. To be individuals and independent thinkers. To resist what has become the norm for girls and women today.
Explain that they might be shunned, but help them be strong. Be there for them. Guide them through choices they have to make.
Dee is not ours for much longer, but for the time we have her, we’re going to do our best to show her a different way.
Party City circular featuring Halloween costumes. Three pages filled with women as sex objects. October 2007.
Serafian’s Oriental Rugs postcard flier featuring a young woman lying naked except for loose fabric, promoting rug cleaning. October 2007.
redravine.wordpress.com 
It would terrify me to raise a daughter in today’s world. And I wish, oh how I wish, that every single woman would unite in refusing to buy into the sexualization and degradation of women in media and fashion. Things are a bit better than they used to be, I suppose — in Westernized countries, women have the vote, and are no longer legal chattel. Why then is there such continued exploitation and enslavement of women? In a way it’s worse now, because it’s voluntary. Why does our society still give the message that a woman isn’t powerful or valuable unless she is sexually desirable? And why do women buy into it? I know so many women who hate themselves because they don’t fit the images they see in the media; and I also know plenty of men raised on pornography, TV, and films, who have never been taught any realistic or emotional way to gauge a woman’s genuine worth.
The only hope lies with responsible parents teaching their children not to perpetuate this cycle, if possible. Thank you for being one of those parents.
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ybonesy — This is a powerful and important post. Next, please read “At the Root of this Longing” by Carol Lee Flinders. The subtitle is: reconciling a spiritual hunger and a feminist thirst. The copyright is 1998, so you can find it in paperback, or in the library. It is an important book for women to read…especially mothers with daughters.
Thank you for being the wonderful caring mother you are and for calling us all to “Wake up!”
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Being a photographer and lover of art, I keep a very open mind when it comes to crossing creative endeavors and nudity. Sexual images certainly do sell but I find the rug ad quite disturbing, especially when it appears I’m looking at a child of 14? knowing full well she is of age but they chose her specifically because she doesn’t look it.
But I have great faith that Dee will turn out just right yb. She has two fierce assets in her corner…called Mom and Dad…and they’re already mapping out the game plan and gearing up for the fight. 😉
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Okay, I ma not going to lie….I didn’t actually read the whole post but I will say that I think I may like to come back because I haven’t any reason not to….
Later…
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If you enjoyed or appreciated Reviving Ophelia, you might also enjoy or appreciate Ophelia Speaks (by Sara Shandler), a collection of accounts written by girls in response to Reviving Ophelia.
Thank you for reminding me of those books, I know someone who needs a copy. 🙂
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Thank you, for the recommendations on the book. And, breathepeace, you, too. From what you both write, they sound like important reads for me right now.
Heather, I agree. The child in the rug ad does look about 14. Maybe even younger. It is disturbing!
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David, you’re absolutely right. It’s worse now because we are buying into it. And I can’t say why I think the following, but it feels related to how we’ve also bought into giant houses and Hummers and bigger, better everything. It’s part of the race to win.
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I understand, Blublood. This is a looong post. I was telling QM that it just turned out that way. It was a deep topic.
But glad you’ll be back. Hasta…
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Thanks for these book recommendations. I am with you in distress, disgust, and a general sense of bafflement about the popularity and attention the likes of Britney, Lindsey, and Paris receive. Their narcissism is staggering.
I don’t have daughters, but I have six nieces. The youngest is 18, the oldest 27. I ask them regularly about these issues, fearing no female of that age group will see beyond the hollow existence the aforementioned women promote. They assure me that everyone in their circles think they are ridiculous puppets. I have pretty strong nieces, though.
My question is about the boys and men, something davidrochester touched on. What do we do for our young boys being fed a steady diet of “hot babes only need apply”? While my nieces are strong, I see my three nephews having to posture a lot about getting and having someone who looks like a movie star.
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ybonesy, you have a lot of passion for this issue, and for your girls. It comes out strongly in the piece. What a relief that there are mothers out there tackling this issue and trying to do so in ways that their girls can actually hear them.
It makes me think of the Feminist Movement in the 70’s. I was a devout feminist in my 20’s, part of a movement of strong women that tried hard bring the sexualization of all women to the forefront (among many other positive changes in work and on the home front). There are days when I feel like all that work was for naught and is taken for granted by women today. But it wasn’t. It’s solid ground and support for issues like the one you raise.
What I see has changed since the 70’s is what you illustrate in this piece – girls are becoming sexualized in everyday advertising, on TV, in magazines, at younger and younger ages. It’s no longer just adult women (like you might have seen in 70’s ads). Any female of any age is fair game. It’s VERY disturbing. It seems like the stronger and more equal women and girls become, the harder the opposite forces fight to keep them in their place.
And you know what I never could understand is that some of the opposing forces include other women. Women were some of the harshest critics of the Women’s Movement of the 70’s. And I’m guessing women may be just as divided on the issues you bring up with your girls.
Thanks for writing this piece. The female body is politicized, sexualized, and objectified, not just here, but all over the world. And it doesn’t stop with the media. It includes places people don’t want to look, like religion and education.
I do have a question…how will you work with Dee on the individual and practical level around the issue? The peer pressure will be tremendous for her to conform. Will you have her read books on this issue geared for girls her age? Or talk about it when it comes up? And what about the mothers of other girls (maybe mothers of her friends) who think it’s all okay?
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BTW, along ideas for books for young girls, remember that album in the early 70’s by Marlo Thomas, Free To Be…You And Me? I think I have the book somewhere buried on my shelves. Marlo was a feminist and wanted to teach her then-young niece Dionne that it was okay to go against the gender stereotypes that were blatantly evident in the children’s books of that time.
I guess the music and book (from 1972) are still going strong. And the TV version (with tons of famous people at the time) won an Emmy way back when. I just found this on Wiki:
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The original Marlo Thomas book and record were titled “Free to Be You & Me.” It taught not only individualism, but tolerance as well. Still good lessons for our time…for all children.
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Thanks for the info on Marlo’s music and book, QM and breathpeace. I’ll have to see if I can find that book.
What I didn’t expand on in the post is the more serious outcome of this loss of self. Mary Pipher described seeing increasing numbers of girls with eating disorders, depression, addictions, self-mutilation disorders, and suicide attempts. This isn’t just about resisting society sterotypes. The consequences of loss of self can be very serious.
Things we as parents (or like in Sinclair’s case, aunts) can do to help:
-Be aware that middle school is this critical time, and get involved in middle school
-Talk, talk, talk, about societal pressures, lookism, drugs and alcohol, how your daughter’s day went, what she felt, how she managed, sex, dress, everything.
-Be positive role models. For mothers, show your own self-sufficiency. Fathers should show their nurturing side. Both parents, Pipher says, should role model being whole individuals. I’ve noticed that Jim had been reacting to Dee in a way that made me think he was assuming she was just being a smart-ass. Even in the days since starting the book, he’s behaving toward her with more understanding and compassion, not pushing her away. That’s huge.
BTW, one of the therapists who recommended I read the book is the mother of one of Dee’s friends. When I look at my daughter’s friends’ parents, I feel fortunate that these are whole people, aware and strong mothers, involved fathers. These are good girls. We don’t know what’s going to change, but I’m optimistic.
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I just emailed the Customer Service of both Party City and Serafian’s. I just googled them, and found what looked to be the appropriate category. I registered my dismay of their using women as sex kittens and naked girls to sell rugs.
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Party City has already responded. I haven’t decided what to say in response to Pati’s comment, but wanted to pass it along to the redRavine community. This from a woman.
Thank you for your feedback. We apologize if we caused you any concern. We strive to serve a broad range of customers in our stores – our assortment is brought to us by many different sources that spend a lot of time and money researching what our customer base wants in our assortment based on the current trends and styles.
We will continue to review our assortment and consider your input as we move forward.
Pati Multer
Director of Marketing, Party City
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First, thank you so much for taking that action. I’m going to do the same, and I’ll post the link to the Customer Service websites in case others want to as well.
Second, Pati’s response seems to be awfully canned. So, their research led them to believe that women want only sexy outfits? Or maybe men wanted women in only sexy outfits. Give me a break. Don’t they have any sense of corporate social responsibility? Is it only about selling products?
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I’ve written back to Pati. I thanked her for the quick response, and then asked her (amongst other things), if what they are promoting is what she would want her daughter to grow up to become. Or, instead, if she would like her to be wise, strong, and respected. I reminded her we can’t have it both ways, and that women fought hard in the 20’s and 70’s for some measure of equality. A great price was paid.
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Great response, Sinclair! Let us know what she says, if anything.
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This has gotten really interesting since I last checked the comments. I don’t think Party City is looking at its so-called customer base too closely…it’s looking at what sells. Sex sells. And just who *is* their customer base?
Sinclair’s question about her nephews (Comment 9) is an interesting one…how boys play into the loss of identity of girls. Where are the incentives for parents (particularly fathers) to teach their boys to look at girls as whole people? Sometimes it feels like the responsibility for change falls squarely on the girls (and other women who care about the issue). That’s too much pressure.
My niece is in the middle school years. But she’s tall and looks like she could be in high school. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, seems to have a strong sense of self. But older boys are attracted to her, and I know my brother worries sometimes. He keeps a watchful eye on who she’s hanging out with and talking to on IM. And tries to keep an open conversation going. I’d love to ask her right now what she thinks of the Party City ad.
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I’d also like to hear what your niece thinks of the ad. I do know that until I pointed out to Dee how every one of the women was dressed and looked, she hadn’t said anything to me about it seeming odd. And that’s the point, I think. She will be sensitized to think that ad is normal unless I help her see otherwise.
I want to ask Jim more about how the book is resonating with him now that he’s been reading it for about three nights. I can pick up that it is affecting him just by watching him, but I’m looking forward to sitting down and talking to him about it.
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YB, your post reminded me of the great joy I experienced when my son found out he would soon be the father of a little girl. He was terrified. He went from a Wu Tang Clan listening teen to a “my daughter will never dress like that” adult overnight. I was so proud.
It also makes me think of comedian Chris Rock’s statement that a father’s number one job is to keep his daughter off the pole. “I mean, they don’t grade fathers. But if your daughter’s a stripper, you f***ed up.”
Really, I’m not making light, I just respond to nearly EVERYTHING with comedy.
When I see things like young women dressed all slutty at school, like the second grader you mentioned – and it gets worse as they get older – my first thought is to feel sorry for them and my second thought is to feel bad for their parents. I can’t help but to think the parents are doing the best they can. And you can only do so much.
The way I see it, all you can do is guide your children, you can’t live their lives for them. You can arm them with love and information. The rest is up to them and god.
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You gotta love Chris Rock! And your son!
You’re so right, you can’t live their lives for them. But my gosh, you can influence what your first and second graders wear. And if you start them out being baby hookers, you don’t have a lot of room to complain when that’s what they pick when they’re tweens and teens. Of course, some girls pick that stuff in spite of all you did to steer them elsewhere in their younger years.
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Not surprisingly, this compelling post has generated an equally compelling thread.
I have another thought or two regarding boys and men, which I’d like to drop off for whatever they’re worth. I am one of the very few men I know who did not receive my primary sexual attitude education from pornography. This was not because I was prudish, but due to the peculiar social isolation I endured as an adolescent, it simply wasn’t something I came into contact with. Later, as a young man, my close emotional relationship with my mother, and my interest in the very subtle eroticism of Victorian literature, combined to make modern pornography both offensive and boring. While I am by no means the most emotionally healthy man on the face of the earth, I have never valued women based on their sexuality, and my ideas of what I find attractive are rooted in my own actual preferences, rather than having been influenced by media and pornography.
One of the main differences I find between myself and many men I talk to is that they were never taught that pornography isn’t reflective of the real world. They do not understand that it is made by men, for men. Many of them were introduced to it by their fathers, which still amazes me, though I know it to be very common. And those fathers did not explain that it’s not real life, and that women don’t necessarily want to be treated or seen in those ways. I believe the same is increasingly true of media-driven images; our children don’t understand that they are not real, and because of that, they are in fact becoming real. This is the crisis of postmodernism and simulacra; we lose the ability to identify reality, and because of that, reality becomes redefined.
I think it is just as important for fathers to stay in touch with their sons’ sexual development as it is for mothers to stay in touch with their daughters. And it’s equally important to take action and protest the sexualization of women in advertising and media.
The other day, I was watching Frasier on DVD; I really enjoy the show, but I always notice that every single woman with a significant role on the program is gorgeous and attracted to Kelsey Grammer, who on a strictly aesthetic scale is at best a 5 out of 10. But he has so many other desirable qualities as that character, right? And yet, when was the last time you saw an average-looking female TV or movie character with a gorgeous man, regardless of her other attractions of intellect or personality? I’d be willing to bet that tne answer is “never.”
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QM poses an interesting question:
“Where are the incentives for parents (particularly fathers) to teach their boys to look at girls as whole people?”
I grew up in a family with four brothers and I have raised three sons. How a father “looks at” and treats the mother in a family is likely to impact both a boy’s attitude towards his mother and to girls and women in general.
If the father deeply honors and respects the mother in the family, the sons are much more likely to respect women. This is not to say that they won’t still be influenced by popular culture, just as daughters will be, but, at least, this solid example of goodness is seeded at their core.
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And that reminds me of the other thing I wanted to say but forgot about … I think breathepeace is largely correct, and if that is correct, what message do our kids get from divorced dads who do not respect the mother of their children, and who go on to date and discard other women with little thought? If sons are exposed to fathers who behave in that way, I can’t imagine that the emotional consequences are positive.
I think that divorced parents need to be excruciatingly careful how they handle themselves around dating and relationships, because of the messages they send to impressionable tweens and teens, particularly.
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breathepeace, your comment (24) reminds me of something ybonesy said in a comment a few days ago. I can’t remember what post now, but it had to do with her looking at Jim’s relationship to his mother for cues. It seems like wise advice.
I grew up with 4 brothers and 1 sister. And had a blood father that I didn’t see after age 6, and two step-fathers (at different developmental points of my life) from different parts of the country and with varying backgrounds and views. All of our personal relationships add great complexity to the overall issues we are discussing.
David, your two eloquent and well thought out comments on this post give me great hope for the future. Thank you for taking the time to write with us. 8)
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Ah, make that 3 comments, David. We must have been tap, tap, tapping on the keys simultaneously!
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ybonesy, this is a great post, for mothers, fathers, girls, boys, men and women.
I am right there with you. My next question is: how do we empower our younger generation to break from this mold?
My sons don’t have to think about this as much, although there is pressure for boys to be tall, muscular, and not intellectual. They both run cross country, so I think they’ve given up on the muscular part! But I want them to respect women for their natural gifts, for simply existing!
Last night I watched a bit of Bones, and they had this brainy woman traipsing through a muddy organic farm wearing stilletos.
The previews for their “Halloween” show had Bones and her fellow PhD colleague dressed up as Wonder Woman and Bat Woman. So stupid.
So, it’s not enough to be brilliant. Women have to be sexually enticing at all times. Where do we turn? How do we change this mentality? You really got me fired up here.
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Well, davidrochester, you’ve educated me about something I never knew. I have always assumed boys got pornography primarily from other boys, not their dads. There are so many things wrong with that that I don’t even know where to start. And you’re right, I’ve never seen an average-looking woman get an amazing-looking man in a movie. The recent “Knocked Up” is a perfect example. The gorgeous, successful, smart woman goes for the unemployed, pot-smoking, chubby, dopey guy. I heard this reported by movie critics as one of the summer’s best flicks.
I think QM has a good point, too. We can’t put the responsibility for all this on girls and women. It’s too much.
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I just read David’s and breathepeace’s comments. Both are right on target.
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No, we can’t put the responsibility all on girls and women, but —
Historically, it is unfortunately the responsibility of the oppressed party to break out of oppression. There is no incentive for the oppressor to change. Why should he? He’s the one calling the shots and having all the fun.
The trick here is to get our boys as well as our girls to wake up to the fact that sexualization and media images of women are ruining everyone’s ability to have meaningful, healthy interpersonal relationships — that we are all equally enslaved by popular culture.
Sinclair — I should clarify that I’m not saying all boys get porn from their dads, but of the men I know, at least a third of them did, either directly (as in “Here, this will show you a thing or two you need to know”) or indirectly, by finding their dad’s own porn stash. I think it is more common than most people are willing to admit.
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I sometimes get so mad at the double standard on TV that I start yelling at the television. Start with local news. Do you notice that the men can be homely but never the women? NEVER.
And you’re right. We have Drew Carey and plenty of real-looking men, but you get a real-looking woman (e.g., Roseanne or Rosie O’Donnell) and they are vilified.
This notion of the unreal becoming the new reality — if you’re a girl today looking out at a world that’s impossible to emulate (in terms of your face, body, clothing, friends, boyfriends, parents, achievements), what do you do to achieve it? Starve yourself, binge, get depressed, do what boys want you to do so that they’ll love you, stop talking, stop being who you naturally are.
Jim says the pressure for boys is also huge. I’m sure it’s pretty bad for them, too. Pipher didn’t write about it only because it wasn’t something for which she had expertise. But I have friends who are parents of boys, and I admire what they’re doing to influence their sons to be responsible.
I’m fired up, too, mariacristina.
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davidrochester,
I am glad you are a part of this discussion. Where there is one man who gets it, there are more. It gives me hope, it really does, as these discussions are often held with only with women in attendance feeling defeated by a grinding machine they can’t stop.
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I was introduced to porn via my dad’s Playboy stash. And he’s a gentle, wonderful man who was/is a great father. It’s complex, isn’t it?
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ybonesy, This sounds like a sudden about face. As in, I hate it, but it’s okay over here because my dad is such a great guy. What do you mean?
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I started out with that comment validating DR’s assertion that boys (and in my case, a girl) learn about porn via their dads. And after I wrote out that little bit, it dawned on me that, yeah, but, Dad’s a gentle, loving dad. He reared me, didn’t he? And to then show that I didn’t know what to do with those two seemingly contradictory aspects, I closed with the saying I use whenever I realize nothing is as easy as it seems, which is “it’s complex.”
There you have it. I’ll have to ponder it some more. In the mean time, carry on y’all. (BTW, am I the only one, or does it seem like we — women, men, society — have not talked about all this stuff for a long time??)
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I’m sitting here laughing because there we all were chugging along with this wonderful (to me, anyway) feeling of, Yeah, we’re going to do something about this, and then my comment about porn and my dad was like throwing cold water on the party. Man, blogging can be so funny sometimes.
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Yeah, ybonesy, put the bucket away, will you? 🙂
Yes, it has been awhile since we’ve talked about this. It feels really good, I think. I’ve had a vision today of us beginning the wheels of change right here on red Ravine.
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Ybonesy — I agree that it’s complex. I also think there are many things that some adults can handle, but which are not appropriate for children. These things include alcohol, recreational drugs, and erotica/pornography.
We would consider a parent irresponsible who got his son drunk with him in the name of “education,” or who got him high. Many people do not draw this line with pornography, however.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to think that a very good father can also be someone who looks at porn, just as a very good father can be someone who drinks too much now and then. The question is in what way parents expose or protect their children to or from things that they are not mature enough to handle, and which, if the exposure occurs too soon,will in fact prevent them from ever becoming mature enough to make good decisions about “adult” recreational materials. I think that an absolutely responsible parent does not leave adult recreational materials for children to find, and I think that pornography should be included in discussions that parents have with kids about underage drinking, drugs, and sexual expression.
We could, I suppose, debate the value of pornography itself, but I think that’s a slightly different discussion, and as highly-charged as debating whether alcohol or drugs should be allowed in society.
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This may seem off topic, but I don’t think it is.
I watch Survivor, and saw a touching moment on a program a few episodes ago. Gravedigger James, and Lunch lady Denise are on the same team, and were doing most of the work for their team to ‘survive’. Denise is a regular appearing woman, and James is an extraordinarily fit man. James said in earnest to the camera, that he found Denise very appealing because of her good humored nature, willingness to do what was necessary, and her work ethic. “Maybe if she was a little younger, or I was a little older, I would be going for Denise”.
He said it so sincerely and genuinely, it almost brought a tear to my eye.
It was an unlikely couple, but his values led him to recognize her. I thought it was very touching, and too bad it was a quick little section of a long program.
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor15/
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Way behind in everything because of all my ambivalence but redesigning and reconceived my blog. Want to integrate practices and poetry which I can barely do, and book reviess, but wrote a litlle memorial to the southenn california fires. TIV
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There is also a differentiation between choices adults make in private (drugs, drinking, porn) vs. the sort of public display of women/girls as sex objects like the ads in this post. While I’m not ready to get on board condoning all possibilities that may go on behind closed doors, it is much less of a concern to me than the images we’re bombarded with just walking though a normal day in the world.
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That was kind of where I was landing, too, which was back at the saturation of these images daily.
I wouldn’t want to get into a debate about pornography. Nor drinking, drugs, etc. (Another post.) Right now I’m in this other space.
Hey, leslie, I see the connection in the Survivor episode you mention. I’ve not ever seen Survivor, but yeah, the example you bring up is about getting beyond surface beauty. And valuing strength.
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I landed in the same place. Daily saturation levels. And examining boundaries between what’s appropriate for teens and children and what are adult choices. I’m not an advocate of any kind of censorship. What a moving discussion, ybonesy. Even the cold water made quite a splash.
leslie, I think your comment is fitting. And it makes you wonder…if everything were pared down to just the basics every day, and we really took the time to see people at face value (regardless of gender) with their strengths and weaknesses as part of the whole, we might not be having this discussion.
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There is nothing I can say that hasn’t been said more eloquently by previous commenters. It’s a sad state of affairs when sex is used to sell carpet cleaning services.
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Good issue to blog about. I agree.
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http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=90
I linked this post to The Meming of Life’s post. This is a great site, and this post about girls is right there with you, ybonesy.
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I read Reviving Ophelia when it first came out because Mary Pipher lives in the same city. I made my three daughters read it and we discussed it. We also rented the video”Killing Us Softly” from the library which deals with women in the media. Now there is a sequel called “The Strength to Resist, The Media’s Impact on Women and Girls”. I would suggest any parents with preadolescent and adolescent girls rent these and discuss them with your daughters. I also recommend discussing this topic with teachers. One of my daughters showed it in her health class for a project.
I am a counselor who has worked with hundreds of young women with addiction and eating disorders because of the society we live in. The way to fight this is to educate and communicate with your daughters and don’t tolerate inappropriate behavior.
Great topic and good luck with Dee.
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What a superb post. Thanks to Leslie for pointing out that you and I had tapped the same spring today.
Your ref to “a typical 10- or 11-year-old girl. Gangly, unconcerned with how she looks, willing to speak her mind without fear of embarrassment, curious, brash, silly” sent a shock of recognition through me. That’s my girl, weeks short of ten. We’re determined to see her through this transition in which so many girls seem to lose themselves.
Reviving Ophelia just moved to the top of our nightstands. Thanks for that nudge.
Dale McGowan
http://www.ParentingBeyondBelief.com/blog
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I went to your site, too, Dale. I loved the post you wrote about how you and your daughter (Erin?) flipped through all the myths you could think of to find one where the girl *isn’t* described as “beautiful.” You kind of found one, but then even that one later described the girl as beautiful.
Erin sounds bold and curious; I can see why you are determined to see her through the transition.
I also want to say that your website is wonderful; the writing so alive. I’ve visited before, I think once when Leslie was doing a meme. I lost where it was I had seen you, so I’m delighted that Leslie connected us through this post.
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Deb, if you come back to this post, I’d be curious to know how old your girls were when you let them read Reviving Ophelia. Two therapist friends of mine recommended I read the book, and one of them read sections to her daughter.
Thanks for the info on the video and the sequel. And the idea about weaving the findings into a health project for pre- and adolescent girls. So simple and so smart.
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The more I hear as this day wears on, the more I’m hearing hope. Mothers, fathers, aunts, teachers, health classes…more people (than I knew of this morning) are concerned, aware, and doing something proactive.
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I want to thank YOU again, Sinclair, for contacting Party City and lodging your complaint. Here is the website if anyone else feels the same way:
http://www.partycity.com/contactus.shtml
And Serafian’s, which features the child-woman on the oriental rug in its rug cleaning ad, does have a website, but it looks like the best way to contact them is to send an email to info@serafians.com.
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I really can’t add anything to what you have said, and what your commenters have said, except to echo that it’s not just about what we teach our daughters, but also what we teach and show our sons. A child’s primary influence, apparently, is the same sex parent, but I have sons, and I think what I’ve shown them is that women can be whatever they choose, and have the respect of those around them. I do know that my son who is old enough to date has been bewildered by the girls who try to be Lindsay Lohan, and instead attracted to the intellectual, physically active girls who can (at least) keep up with him on the camping trail and in the classroom. I have no doubt that my sons’ father deserves much credit for that, but I think I’ve also think that I’ve never given him any reason to see women as needing to be anything other than what they are to be appreciated and respected.
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Right on, pmousse! Your son sounds like a great young man.
Yeah, I don’t understand the appeal of those celebrities to young girls (and adults), yet it must be there else People and other magazines wouldn’t be making a killing covering them.
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I didn’t know my response was going to be so long….
My father and I have discussed this topic quite a few times. After he read this article, he thought it would be good for me to reply. I’m in high school, and I see this happening everyday.
A couple years ago, I was a bit overweight. I knew the dangers of being overweight, so I worked very hard to get myself back to a healthier weight. Because I love to bake (and eat my creations) I still have to work hard to maintain my weight. Right now, my BMI is ideal for my height, but compared to the girls around school or in any given magazine, normal – healthy- is too big. I find it incredibly sad.
Some days, if I’m not feeling good, or a little insecure, I get frusterated that I’m not that skinny, but I think about it later, and I feel sorry for the girls that are in size zeros. There is a rediculous pressure to be small. Sometimes, its to catch to attention of a guy, to avoid teasing, or to gain acceptance. I’m so glad to say that I have a group of friends that are completely supportive and do not judge me. I feel comfortable in my average body.
One on my major concerns is shopping. The fashion world revolves around the tiny models who are doped up and pushed to be almost concave. To fit into whatever the newest fashions are, you have to be that size. When I buy women’s clothes, i have to get an extra large. Theres no reason i should have to do that. If you compare women’s sizes to men’s, I would be swimming in a man’s extra large shirt.
As I said, the pressure is unreal. Today I watched a show about baby pageants. These girls are wearing more makeup and hairspray than I have ever worn (collectively). Their parents dress them up, teach them to walk swinging their hips (excuse me for saying this, but they teach them to walk as if they are working their corner). The girls get into bathing suits and ball gowns, then walk a runway or perform some dance. If they don’t win, they are subjected to the feelings of inadequacy and failure at too young an age.
Cheerleaders at our school got new uniforms this year. They wear them every friday of a football game. These new uniforms break every single dress code. The skirts just barely cover their butts and they are sleeveless, having straps about as thick as a beater’s. (although this isn’t as big a deal as the skirts, it shows how they get special privileges.) If any other girl showed up to school in a beater and a micro mini, they would have to change immediately. Then why do the cheerleaders get special rights? This breeds girls who desperately want to look like the cheerleaders, skinny and cute, showing it all off in the tiny clothes the coaches knowingly give them.
There is so much more I can say about this, but instead, I’m going to go read the book that started this.
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R3’s daughter, what an amazing response to this post. You sound like you’ve really got a lot on the ball in this area. You’ve really thought deeply about what’s going on underneath all the pressure at school. This says a lot for you and for your parents.
You know what strikes me about your response is the insight you have to the double standards that are going on with the cheerleaders – the way adults in your high school let the cheerleaders wear uniforms that break every single dress code for girls in your high school. And I’m sure this is going on in high schools all over the country.
You eloquently point out the mixed messages that are being given to girls just within the same high school. Think of how complex it all gets outside those doors.
I really appreciate your comment. I hope you’ll visit again.
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R3’s daughter, oh, BTW, have you thought of writing articles for magazines? Your writing is insightful, intelligent, personal, and honest. All the ingredients of a great writer. And your insights could make a difference for other girls who are going through the things you are with clothing, weight, and double standards. As well as for adults who want a different perspective. Thanks again!
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Ditto what QM said. You are a very good writer, R3’s daughter.
In terms of the content, it sounds like you are managing to keep your own sense of self in spite of the pressures. Stay strong, keep that spine straight. I would opt to hang out with you any day over one of those cheerleaders. You and I would have oodles more to talk about in life.
If you check back in on this, I would be interested in understanding what mattered most in your middle school years in terms of helping you to have this strong sense of self. Was it your parents? Things they did? I’m curious about that.
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great response, R3’s daughter. Acceptance of self is something a lot of people never manage. I hope that’s always with you. In highschool, I think I might have dismissed the super skinny, popular elite as ‘bad’ or ‘dumb’, maybe because I was jealous or maybe for self-validation. It’s hard as a teen, but I wish now I’d been able to look for the real person even in those people who were considered superior to me in the social hierarchy. Those cheerleaders might go on to correlate a sense of their own self-worth with their ability to look hot and please others. That is a painful thing to pin your self-value on, as external beauty fades.
I’ve read this post a couple times and followed the thread. Having a daughter who will approach this age in a couple years, it’s kinda overwhelming to think about how we will navigate those tween and teenage years. Somehow or other I stumbled through mine, I hope she manages to stay both healthy and happy.
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That’s a good point, amuirin, about looking for the real person in those kids. I’m not sure I ever could do that when I was in the throes of growing up myself. But I certainly have the wherewithal now to encourage my daughters to do so. It seems like something important to do, too, to avoid becoming too cynical or bitter in life. Compassion carries us out of a lot of bad places we’d otherwise land.
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R3’s Daughter,
Thanks for checking in on this topic. Your perspective is probably the most important, you’re the one we all want to support. I wonder, is this sort of thing discussed in your classes? Are health or P.E. teachers trying to balance the scales? Your description of the little girls in beauty pageants is spot-on. Did you see “Little Miss Sunshine?” They did a great job in that movie shining a bright light on those ridiculous events.
One last thing…in high school cheerleaders get so much attention. Happily, once you get to college the tables turn abruptly. Cheerleaders in most colleges are seen as pathetic girls living in some past days of glory. They usually still wear their high school class rings and letter jackets covered with patches of their high school accomplishments. No one cares about these has-beens any longer.
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ybonesy-
middle school was about me coming into myself. I went through so many changes, from my attitude to my dress. I’ve always had a strong connection to my father and he has been my strength.
Sinclair-
Little Miss Sunshine was an amazing movie. I hated seeing her fail so miserably, but it showed how the parents are letting their children act, how they are SHOWING them how to act that way.
I know that things change in college, and as you get older, but in high school, I think that’s were it matters the most. Children are impressionable, but teens are self destructive. We put pressure on each other and on ourselves, this pressure can ultimately destroy us. For some people, it gets to them sooner, but for others, it may change their life forever. High school is supposed to be seen as the highlight of your adolescent life, but I have yet to see how this will be. I feel so uncomfortable in my high school, there is so much negativity and too many double standards. Maybe I’ll look back and see the lessons I learn, but I think the prices are too high.
(I was a bit surprised by the comments on my writing. I’ve always enjoyed writing and I like to combine my love for sociology and writing. I actually didn’t think my last submission was very good at all, it was late and I was doing it between trips to the oven to get out my cookies. Thank you for all the positive feedback, though, I appreciate it.)
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R3’s daughter, thanks for coming back and answering some of the other questions that were posed to you in this thread. I enjoy reading your comments. And I hope you’ll visit again.
And if that was your writing in between trips to the oven to get out your cookies, I think you’re on to a brilliant writing career! We do take submissions on red Ravine. Check out our Submission Guidelines. And if you are ever so moved, send a piece or a practice to the email address listed there. You’ve got a lot to offer!
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R3’s daughter
Wow, am I proud of you !
It would be great if you answered some of the other questions put to you. You could be a big help not only to parents ,but also other teens and preteens. You are a great writer. I may end up with two writers in my family ! But most important now is how you came to your outlook on life and how you overcame your desire to be, not what your peers wanted you to be, but to be yourself. I’ll bet you have a lot of your peers very jealous and wishing they could be like you.
I think a lot of your sucess is your open relationship with your father and his with you. Although I haven’t always approved of part of it, I may have been wrong. It has been very good for you and your brother. All of you have been through a lot in your life time, as have most people in one way or another, but the way you have handled it straight on has been the difference between the way you have turned out and the way others have.
If you could share some of your insight on how you dealt with some issues , it would be very helpful to others.
Thanks for being you and my granddaughter. I love you.
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R3’s Daughter,
SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE! You have written on a writing blog, and everyone is telling you what a great writer you are. This is one of those times in life to especially not be focusing any attention on the cheerleaders sashaying through the halls of high school. You communicate very well through the written word. Well done, you!
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I didn’t really address all of Sinclair’s questions.
I actually haven’t taken a health class in two years. 8th grade- didn’t really address this, it was our sex ed. 6th and 7th grade focused on drugs and illnesses and such. Our teacher was very vague on things like anorexia. I didn’t find out much from him. I learned what the disease was, but he didn’t rationalize it. So all I knew, before my own research, was the whoever had it just didn’t eat. The P.E. teachers in middle school were really gungho about getting us active. Freshmen year gym wasn’t as intense. I spent most the periods walking around the gym. This year, my teachers have all quit, so we have subs. The gym teachers never really talked except to tell us what the game that day was. There was no really thought or effort needed. All you had to do was show up, dress, and move a bit and they were satisfied. It was essentially a free credit. So no, no one in the schools has ever bothered to sit us down and talk to us.
of course, there have been the semi-annual assemblies, mostly motivation and self esteem boosters, but they mentioned that if you were having a problem, you could talk to a counselor.
Thinking back, I realize how this creates a really bad problem. Any girl experiencing this really has no clue it’s not the way its supposed to be, so she’s really just on her own. She won’t say anything because that would be opening herself up to rejection, so she’ll just keep it inside and try to fix it herself, by any means possible.
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You know, R’3 Daughter, I shouldn’t laugh about the way you describe your P.E. classes, but I can’t help myself. I know I should be incensed as a tax payer or adult or something, but it would make a great scene for Saturday Night Live or stand-up comedy. You know, how a bunch of apathetic kids who have been beaten up emotionally their whole lives by being picked last for kickball now just wander around the basketball court in their matching gym suits.
On a more (much more) serious note, I feel for the kids with full blown eating disorders who don’t have any obvious people to turn to for support. I have a close relative (a young woman) with an eating disorder that wasn’t “discovered” until she finished high school. I think if there had been someone talking about the mental pressures to be skinny and model-like at any cost she would have been saved years of agony. She’s getting help now, but has sought it all out on her own.
I hope you take Quoin Monkey up on her submission offer in comment #64. Young voices are great for us to hear.
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Just coming back to this dialog after a few days on the road.
YES! And not just hear young voices (because you can hear them in all sorts of venues now, such as My Space), but joining in with older voices and ancient voices and still not terribly old voices ; – ). It’s great to hear more from you R3’s daughter. Hey, you’ll have to come up with your own moniker. I mean, it’s more than fine being someone’s daughter. But, for the future… : – ).
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im doing a research on stereotyping and this helped 🙂
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abby, so glad this post was helpful to you. But the even greater thing is that you stopped to tell us that in a comment! A form of giving back that we really appreciate here on red Ravine. The comments in this post are rich with insights on this Topic, and add so much to the original post. That’s a great thing about blogging. Our reader participation and our conversations with them. Thanks again.
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At a movie theater this week I saw the preview for “Fool’s Gold.” In the clip, there is one split second that they show a woman on the deck of a boat in a bikini. She spreads her legs, and a sword falls from above and lands between her legs. Extremely violent, but so quick you almost don’t even know what you’ve seen. There was a man sitting next to me who gasped and said to his friends, “Why isn’t anyone in this theater reacting to that?” Good for him.
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Sinclair, that’s how numb we have become to violence in the movies, on TV, in film. And related to this post, if you think about the genders being reversed in that film and the sword dropping – you’d probably never see that on the screen.
Maybe a good way for our culture to become un-numb to such violence against women (and girls) is to imagine that the person straddling the sword is our daughter, sister, mother, aunt, grandmother.
Or maybe it’s to imagine what happens to women and girls in war-ravaged countries. I have been seeing a lot of documentaries of war-torn countries and the way that women and girls become targets for the violence. Then I also recently read in the Minnesota Women’s Press (I think I mentioned this on red Ravine) how female U.S. soldiers become targets of violence and attack, even from our own soldiers.
It feels like violence against women is on the rise. It can feel overwhelming when thinking about where to start to address the issue. Writing seems like a good jump off place.
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This is a topic that has worried me as well – and reassures me that Im not the only mother/parent in the world that is incensed with the sexualisation of young woman. You chose powerful words & I love that you included the example of a visitor dressed for the street corner, really nails it down to how ghastly the situation has got. Im an over 40’s mother of a 15 yo female & it can feel very isolating when other parents shrug off this ghastly phenomena as “its a sign of the times” its not! its about remembering not to be schmoozed & sucked in by commercialism – and empty-headed parents who think we are “too oldfashioned” and about reminding ourselves we are not meant to be our daughters best buddies, more that we are meant to be parents – the adult. We should not be prostituting our daughters, we should be encouraging them to respect themselves, others (as per your good comment about who is classed as ‘unpopular’), and actively concerned about less fortunate people etc. I love that my daughter has a tight knit of young woman who have refashioned trend so gheek is very cool, and to not be a clone – is even better. Sorry about length of feedback but you have touched a very raw nerve which needs to be raised more often to save our young woman.
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Nicole, you never need to apologize for the length of your comments on red Ravine. We love a good discussion. I’m glad you found this post and added your thoughts to it. It prompted me to go back and read the Comment thread and it’s amazing. It seems like now, more than ever, we need to continue to be aware of the ways we are treating, viewing, responding to our young women and girls. And I really appreciate the intelligent discussion here from our readers.
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I wish I had the time to re-read the comments on this, QM, and I will when I can do so. I’m in Seattle with a few team members who have children of different ages, and last night we talked about some of the points that Mary Pipher made in her book, especially about trusting girls’ instincts.
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ybonesy, hope it’s going well in Seattle. Will look forward to your additional insights on Mary Pipher’s book after the discussion with team members there. Safe travels home!
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Tonight, driving back from a writing retreat by Lake Michigan, I listened to two authors being interviewed on Wisconsin Public Radio. One of them writes the Gossip Girl series (now a TV program, too), the other the Beacon Street Girls series. Though I haven’t read either, I got a very clear picture. GG is about very wealthy girls in New York who get stoned a lot, screw lots and lots of boys/men, and who back-stab their friends. BSG is about girls who have normal (not perfect) bodies, care about the environment, excel in academics, and try to do something to better their worlds. They also had a child development specialist on to help evaluate.
The male radio commentator (and several callers) were outraged by what is being fed to girls as normal teen life. There were people calling in about what books like Gossip Girls do to girls regarding body image, self esteem, etc. But the shocker was how many people defended it, and they were all women. Even the so-called child development specialist (a female) said it didn’t matter what was in the books, just so long as the girls are reading. The commentator said, “So, by that standard, you would give a 7-year-old pornography to read, and would just be happy she was reading?” Child expert: “Well, there has been no research done to show what affect reading pornography would have on 7-year-old girls would be, so we can’t really say.”
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I’ve heard of the books, Teri. I would never encourage my girls to read them, ever. I mean, it’s the whole package, not just the casual sex. These girls and their lives—it’s all about shopping and being mean and living these unreal rich lives. It’s about glorifying lives that have no substance.
I’ll need to ask Dee about these books and whether she’s heard of them. I’m pretty sure she has, and for all I know, she might actually want to read some. Hopefully not.
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Teri and ybonesy, so is the Gossip Girl series and the Beacon Street Girls series geared for 7-year girls? You’re saying that’s the age range that are reading these books?
BTW, I used to see age ranges on Children’s books. But lately, when I look at the Children’s Books section, I don’t find as many recommended age ranges. I was curious about that. Do all kids read all books these days, whatever level they can handle? I kind of miss the age range recommendations.
Oh, Teri, I find what the child expert said (#78) horrifying. I mean, what kind of values do we want to instill in the future generations of children? Do we really want them reading ANYTHING as long as they are reading? I really don’t think so. So much for the experts.
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According to the authors, the Beacon Street Girls are for middle school & Gossip Girls are for 15 +. One of the stated problems, of course, is that girls much younger than 15 are reading Gossip Girls and learning about the “need” to be skinny, busty, carry a designer bag, and cheat with your best friend’s boyfriend. I’ve reserved one of each of the series at the library, and will check back in after I’ve read them.
The commentator was so flabbergasted by the child expert’s unwillingness to take a stand on protecting girls. He made the 7-year-old comment to try to force her to step up to the plate with any lines (at all) in the sand. She refused.
One of the call-ins was a school librarian. She said girls are very interested in books until grade 3, and then it starts to fall off. They want books that school libraries don’t carry, and stop checking out books. She said one of the difficulties in getting the girls to take out a children’s classic is that the covers are worn and drab.
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Teri, darn, I had a chance this morning in carpool to ask the mid-school girls about these books but forgot.
I can tell you that Em has never heard of them (she’s nine).
I do know that it’s hard to get my girls into the Classics, and it’s not just the cover. Young adult books—the Harry Potter series, the Stephenie Meyer series, and a whole host of others that the girls in the carpool are all reading—are largely fantasy-based, and so to go to a book like Ramona, which just last week I tried to get Dee to read as her optional book for English, she just wasn’t into it.
The good news, though, is that she is reading Classics for required reading in English, and she does seem to like the ones she’s reading. Now some of those classics, too, have been fantastical—The Hobbit, Ender’s Game, for example. They read last year one called We Free Men, which I think was fantasy- or futuristic-based. But they’ve also read Diary of Anne Frank, and a memoir of a Chinese girl who lived through the Chinese Cultural Revolution (I think that was called Red Scarf Girl).
And as children, I read them all of the Classics that mainly Jim had as a child: Charlotte’s Web, Trumpet of the Swan, and now I’m forgetting about the one with the little mouse boy. Ugh. Memory is going.
But yeah, the older Dee gets and the more she can choose her own book, she is influenced by the more flashy (i.e., fantasmical) stories. At least, though, it’s not the mean-socialite-girl stuff.
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I’ll look forward to a check-in from the car-pool. It’s so much better to get opinions from present-day girls than people on talk radio.
I’m at the library, and armed with my copies of Beacon Street Girls (“Letters from the Heart”), and Gossip Girls (“All I want is Everything”). I can’t say I’m very excited with this assignment I’ve given myself, but hopefully both of them can be read in an afternoon. Maybe I’ll get some good treats to encourage me to plow through. That, plus a quilt and a pillow.
It’s good to hear about English teachers assigning books of substance. I’m sure they’re met initially with lots of groans from the desks.
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Though I haven’t started reading my assigned girl-books, I have started preparing for the next poet for our Poetry & Meditation group–Langston Hughes. This quote from the 1940 essay “Need for Heroes” speaks quite well to the authors and readers for today’s youth. He wrote this when he was 39.
“If the best of our writers continue to pour their talent into the tragedies of frustration and weakness, tomorrow will probably say, on the basis of literary evidence, “No wonder the Negroes never amounted to anything. There were no heroes among them.”…We have a need for heroes. We have a need for books and plays that will encourage and inspire our youth, set for them examples and patterns of conduct, move and stir in them to be forthright, strong, clear-thinking, and unafraid.”
–Langston Hughes
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Teri, what a poignant quote from Langston Hughes. It stresses the importance of the role of writers and the Arts in the shaping of the youth of societies to “move and stir in them to be forthright, strong, clear-thinking, and unafraid.”
Thanks for leaving the quote. I’m looking forward to the next Poetry Group and Langston Hughes. I’m pondering heroes, the need for heroes in the setting of our moral compass and values (even as adult women and men).
I thought of this Take Back Our Girls post again today because I ordered a Happy Meal from McDonald’s (I was only a little hungry and on the fly) and when they asked, “Girls or Boys?” I chose the “Girls Happy Meal.” I had no idea what was going to be in it.
Turns out — it contained a London Barbie with a plaid mini-skirt, bright red Buckingham Boots, and the letters LONDON right above her breasts. Now I don’t really have anything against Barbie. I played with my Barbie and Ken set (along with a big cardboard Barbie house) during a few years of my childhood. But I also had cowboy hats and holsters, trucks and cars, and a baseball glove and bat. Balance.
The thing that got me was when I later saw the Barbie and compared it to what the “Boys Happy Meal” contained — a HotWheels. Well, my brothers all had HotWheels growing up and I played with those, too.
But on the Happy Meal there were different categories for boys and girls. For the girls, the stepping stones all had to do with fashion – Paris, Shanghai, Hollywood, London. The game they played was to match up the article of clothing (Buckingham Boots or Cherry Blossom Silk Skirt or French Feather Boa) with the fashion city. When they stumbled in the game it was because they “Broke A Heel” or “Lost Their Passport,” clumsy things like that.
Well, for the boys, the exercise was mental — to “decode the license plates of the HotWheels cars to spell out the secret message!” I mean doesn’t that sound more exciting? When the boys stumbled in the game, it was because they had a “Tire Blow Out” or were “Low on Fuel,” external things beyond their control.
For girls, it was “Fun Fashion Facts,” definitions of spaghetti strap and catwalk. Or what’s a skort? For the boys? “Competition is good! Invite your friends over for a HotWheels race or a fashion show. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about having FUN!”
I was struck by how the girls’ cues were all about their bodies and dress (what if they were chunky or couldn’t afford a lot of clothes?) and competing against each other in the fashion realm. And the boy cues were all about external competition, like car racing.
It is 2008 isn’t it? Next time I’m going to order the “Boys Happy Meal.” I wonder if there are many girls who would dare to do that? Or boys who were into fashion and might order the “Girls” version. Or is the peer pressure to conform just too great.
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QM, I say stay away from McDonalds. Period. D
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When I read about the McDonald’s Happy Meals, I can’t say I’m surprised. And yet, surely there must be a few forward-thinking women and men who work at McDonald’s Corporate. They must question these messages. Are they voted down because of the bottom line? Probably.
Women who came before us worked so hard to give us a different chance. I don’t understand women (especially!) who continue to stoke the fires of the old stereotypes. Seen Britney’s new video?
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Teri, nope, haven’t seen Britney’s new video. Have you seen it? What’s it about. She sure makes the news more than it seems one person should. Way more than her 15 minutes of fame. 8)
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The new video is called “Womanizer.” Though she’s very unhappy in the video with a man who apparently is the womanizer, she forgets to notice that during half the video she is naked on a sauna shelf. She hasn’t figured out that she can’t have it both ways.
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Wow, QM, just read about the Happy Meals. Ugh. I haven’t been there in ages, and not just because of that kind of crap (sorry) but also, did you ever see the documentary Super Size Me. If you did, you’d probably never eat McDonald’s again.
Yeah, amazing that so much is still built around those age-old sterotypes. What’s it going to take to change that? I guess it’s going to take consumers not buying it any longer.
But it’s so pervasive. As a mother of two girls, one in mid-school, I can tell you that I only have so much influence. Of course, I think my influence in the long run will be more critical than what’s happening in the short-term; at least I know my mother’s influence shaped me more than just about anything else. And, fortunately, Dee seems pretty resistant to buying into the stereotypes. But I see them and know they’re out there in spades. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point things shift big time for her.
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Out of curiosity, I took out Red Scarf Girl (#82) from the library. I learned more than I had ever known about Chairman Mao and the Cultural Revolution. I love that the kids in Dee’s class will have that historical event under their belt going forward.
I also skimmed Gossip Girls and The Beacon Street Girls (#78). There were as I expected: one uplifting (though admittedly a bit Pollyanna), the other full of underage drinking, cat fights, and fashion.
Many, many years ago (1996, perhaps?) Colin Powell was being interviewed about his outlook for our country. It was the year he was seriously considering running for president. Anyway, he mentioned daytime television (he didn’t say soaps), and how they call up the lowest behavior, the lowest common denominator in human beings. He talked about looking in a different direction: to inspiring people to aim for higher ground.
And so go books.
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One of my friends is expecting her first child (a girl), and told me about a book she’s reading called “101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body.” It’s written by two women: Brenda Richardson and Elane Rehr. My friend spoke so highly of it, that I checked it out from the library.
For anyone who has a daughter (or *is* a daughter) it is a good read.
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Teri, thanks for dropping this book title into this post. Sounds like a good, quick read. It seems like loving our bodies is something both mothers and daughters struggle with throughout their lives. So much pressure for women’s and girls’ bodies to look and be perfect. The more support we get around recognizing the double standards and accepting the imperfections, the better!
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The book talks at length about what parents ought to be teaching their daughters about their bodies, and what happens if girls don’t get that support, but only media pressure. They talked about a movie scene that has always driven me nuts. I felt vindicated when they took my side.
The movie: Titanic. I didn’t like the flick at all, though I know I’m in the minority. In the love story, the main character, Rose, is engaged (I believe) to a rich, older, bore. She’s trapped and restless and thinks life is really passing her by. What liberates her? She takes all her clothes off and lets Jack paint her portrait. She’s suddenly free!
The authors use this to make the point of not teaching girls that their main value comes from being visual candy…giving it all away to hungry eyes.
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