I want to let go of this feeling of concern over Dee. I want to be light with her, not expect that she talk more, smile more, stand up taller, walk straighter.
I want to let go of the legacy I carry from my own parents, Dad’s constant “Dumb!” He used to say that any time I did something stupid — hammer his good nails into a piece of 2-by-4 while playing Dentist, not understand how to do Calculus, or paint the corner of my bedstand with Janet’s nail polish.
I want to let go of the kind of parent I’ve become, demanding and disappointed. I don’t know when it started, I’d like to say it is just a three-week-old trend that came up when Dee began middle school, but I worry it has been with me all my mothering life.
I want to let go of the penitente within me, her self-flagellating nature. I want to drop the whip, bury it or burn it, walk with a bounce in my step, be naturally happy and, most important, satisfied. When was the last time I was content with the person I am, the people around me? When was the last time I enjoyed going somewhere with my girls, saw it as more of a privilege than a burden?
Even at Ghost Ranch we arrived late and I had to put up a six-person tent. Dee ran off to eat, and Em had to help me struggle with the rods, making them flex so the tent would stand. They flopped every time I tried to lift them into an arc, and finally after five attempts I was sweating and in tears. I can see the look on Em’s face. Alarm. That’s what it was, a mirror to my own panic. I swore at Dee under my breath for not being there to help, and now I see her running back from the dining hall, friend in tow. I must have given her the look to kill. She told her friend to leave, and then what? I’ve said as much as I wanted to say.
It’s time to let go of all of it, my dissatisfactions and disappointments, and who exactly am I disappointed in? Is it me, for not living the life I wanted to live, as an artist and writer? For having this conventional life to begin with? For my choices? And so what of them?
They’re done, made, and now I’m thinking of that saying “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.” Why are those sayings always so punitive?
-From Topic post, “I WANT TO LET GO OF…”
-NOTE: I wrote this during a recent writing practice with a friend at the Sunflower Market café in Albuquerque.
I wanted to do this writing practice, ybonesy, but I was afraid that, if I did, and shared it, it would further damage one of my already-tattered relationships. I’m of the mind that only death is unfixable, unimprovable, uncopable, or unchangeable. You’ve made your bed? Change the sheets, buy a new bed, spend the night at a hotel, or just sleep on the couch. Very little in life is permanent.
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I thought it was brave to post this. The punitive question, too… do you know about fractals? How a molecule of a leaf will be patterened after the leaf which is patterned after the tree? (or maybe the sequence goes in the other direction)
Well that question about ‘why are those sayings always so punitive?’ put me in mind of that because it’s like a molecule of of the whole entry. Why are you so hard on Dee? Why are you so hard on yourself? Maybe you just want the best for the both of you, and trying to teach the best way you know how.
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You’re a wise sam. You know, sometimes it’s good to do a writing practice and not post it. So, still do yours and if, as you suspect, it might damage a relationship, then consider it done. If not, then post away.
Thanks, amuirin. I don’t know about fractals, but your explanation helps me understand the connection. I think Dee has broken our family’s fractal mold, so to speak. I realize the longer I parent her, the more important it is that I break the pattern I’ve learned because if I don’t, then I’ll break her spirit. I’m just curious if you know in the fractal example if there is a case when a molecule will finally break the pattern. Does that happen?
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Expectations of one’s children are the hardest of all to let go of. And one has to do it over and over, it’s never quite done. It changes in how it needs to be done at every stage of their lives and ours, and it is a dance between the expectations we have for ourselves as well as for them. I said to myself, just this week, when I felt the bile rise in wanting my son to do something differently, the way I would have done it at his age, that I can’t keep doing this, it will destroy my relationship with him. I want to just love my child. He will be home for two more years, that’s it. We’ll have an empty nest. I just want to give him a lot of love in that time. He knows by now what he should and shouldn’t be doing, what I do and don’t want. I don’t need to say it again. Ever. He knows.
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I think doubts about mothering are some of the hardest things to be honest about. An hour ago, my 27 year old called and told me that she just wanted to come home for a couple of days to figure out where she was going to live. (continue with the abusive boyfriend of 10 years or by herself) She said “I love you, Mom, but I don’t want to live with you.” For years, I would have waited for her at the door to arrive so I could lecture her for two days and get her to leave the guy. I did it again and again and it never worked. I know that won’t happen tonight. She is going to make the choice that she is going to make and it might be the wrong one.
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This just gets harder, doesn’t it? But you two seem to know that and somehow you’ve accepted it. Which doesn’t seem to make it easy. Just is.
Thanks for your wisdom. I had better start letting it go now or else I will…I don’t know what. Only that my eczema is back and I haven’t had it for years. (How I remember Mom’s hands. They’d be broken out when we were teens. That was a lot of years of cracked fingers.)
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Normally I wouldn’t even comment on this since I don’t have any children to either disappoint or be disappointed with… and I certainly don’t know any good phrases to spin to make this comment have more depth… I, for dang sure, am no writer. I’m as plain spoken as they come.
I know this is going to sound strange…but this actually made me smile. Not out of disrespect mind you…but out of a simple, knowing truth. I’m an observer in and listener of life (since I don’t talk much) and this is question numero uno. “How did I ever get “here?”… “I had dreamed of so much more!”
I’m going to take a wild guess yb that you are between the early and mid 40’s… That’s when the “life” thing typically starts to rear it’s ugly head. It happened to me and to all my friends. Actually I don’t think I even know a person still breathing that doesn’t wish they had done something, if not absolutely everything…different. Some days I wish I’d been a belly dancer, with that flat tummy and swiveling hip action…but that’s another story… 🙂
I have been reading this blog for long enough to realize you are a kind, good natured, sensitive being. Your children know that you love them…they really do! I’m guessing you don’t starve them or lock them in a closet and run off to buy shoes…no matter how good that sounds on the “bad children” days.
And guess what? When they’re older, they may even come to understand you…in their 40’s. HA! I think you may be just beginning to understand yourself…so don’t beat yourself up. You, my very good woman, are not alone in your thoughts. And for good people, there is always another day…to begin again in some aspect of their life.
This may sound like a simplistic view… but I’ve already tried the complicated one…without success…if we, as people, don’t start making life simple, we will never learn to laugh at ourselves…and be satisfied with our blessings at hand.
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Now your comment made me smile, because you’re so darned right. Yes, I’m mid-40s, feeling terribly at my creative peak, wondering why the heck I’m doing what I’m doing and not something else, etc., etc.
I esp love your last paragraph. What a gem! Thanks.
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The words you have written bring so many things to mind. It really makes me try to remember all the things I probably did wrong in raising my six. It can be a very confusing time for all . We can only do our best and pray a lot that it is right. When I look back it was the happiest time of my life, even though at times very trying.
I have so much to be thankful for, all my children turned out well. Oh they weren’t angels but I think in the end they always remembered what I had tried to instill in them and realized what they were doing wrong. I think also they really wanted to make me proud of them.
So many parents don’t tell their children how proud they are of them or thank them when they do good. When you always critize them , what reason do they have to try to please you!
I am very proud of all of them . You have to let them live their own life and make their own mistakes though. I think that is probably the hardest thing a parent has to do. I still find myself biteing my tongue when I see one of them doing or saying something that I know will hurt them in the future.
You just have to believe in them, that they will work things out and learn their own lessons ,just as you did.
Always tell them you love them no matter what they have done .!!! It is very important for them to have that love and support to hold on to.
Here I am rattleing on. It’s hard to say what you are feeling. I still pray every night for God to watch over them and keep them safe and guide them. I think that is what really helps me , to know they are in His care.!
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I painted the top of my sister’s dresser with her nailpolish. Talk about getting disapprovong looks…
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LOL. What it is about dressers and nail polish?! Did you paint hers a sort of coppery salmon, too?
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I am currently struggling with the opposite problem. Instead of looking at children and despairing over their behavior and actions, I am looking at my parents feeling hopeless over their lives and my involvement with them. They have been marginally to unhappily married for years, dragging their four children into their dysfunction. It is a daily challenge for me to stay out of their business and not try to make their lives happy. It’s not easy to let people have their own life…to stop feeling responsible.
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Sinclair, I like that you have reversed the idea to include what Natalie would call the “underbelly” – children who are growing older and now feel responsible for their parents. I think it’s a topic that is going to come more and more to the forefront as baby boomers continue to move into middle age.
I’m wondering what kinds of things have you found helpful as you are moving through this time in your life. And if your siblings (if you have any) feel as you do and are grappling with the same thing.
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I find it especially hard to be with couples who are not getting along and essentially can’t stand one another. I can’t think of any in my life right now, but I can recall being at dinner or different places with people who constantly bickered. It was awkward. So if that’s how it is to be around your parents, then, yes, who’d want to? And yet, they’re your parents. And they’re getting older. That would be a huge conflict.
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I am trying to change my own behavior right now, behavior I have been honing (unfortunately) for over 40 years. It is wickedly uncomfortable. If I think too far down the road, I am cast into utter despair considering how I’ll cope as the decisions become harder (taking away driver’s licenses, putting them into nursing homes, assuming responsibility for their finances). So, for today, I just ask myself if there is anything I need to do and what my motives are. Lately, it’s become more and more obvious that most of my actions are motivated by guilt and assumed responsibility for other people’s actions (like my parents marrying each other in 1953).
I have found the most supportive thing is to talk to other people with aging parents. The same themes emerge over and over, and I find I’m not alone feeling resentful, angry, and put-upon in very unfair ways.
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ybonesy,
I am back…
Excellent piece! I am struggling with the same thing but as a teacher. What do I expect from my students…how do I not get frustrated to the point where I lose my temper…How can I stay an effective teacher…
All of these questions I deal with on a daily basis. I am trying my best to be the best teacher I can be.
This year, I am no longer the HS/MS science teacher, a job I’ve had for 7 years here. The school moved me to elementary, a combination 5th/6th grade class. They needed to a teacher at this level, I had the experience and creditials so they moved me here, while one half of a new teaching couple filled my science position.
The move has turned out to be very positive. I am way more relaxed. I am very happy and my students are fun. We are having fun in the classroom. They are learning. My experiences at the high school/middle school level have made me a stronger, more experienced, more effective elementary teacher.
I know this isn’t the same a parenting, but it is what I deal with on a near daily basis. I am trying to let go my frustrations and enjoy my job again.
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Amelia, I missed your comment in there. Great to hear from you! I always love listening to the parents of my friends and contemporaries (and listening to my own parents) talk about about their struggles as parents. A good friend of mine once told me that the thing she wished she’d done more of as a parent was to demonstrate her own struggles to her kids and not shield them so much from her own humanity. She said once kids become adults, they benefit from having known how hard it was for their parents.
As a youngest child, I’ll probably always long for a mother’s advice to guide me in the things I struggle with, so I do value your sharing! Plus, given how awesome your kids are (QM, of course, and then QM’s bro is the only other one I know via his commenting on red Ravine) I know your advice is good.
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mm – i’ve missed you! how’s the condo? did you get homesick on your trip? That was a long time away.
I totally see the connections between expectations of one’s children and one’s students. Hey, I shouldn’t spill the beans, especially since we’ll be doing a post on this soon, but QM and I interviewed a writer who is also a teacher, and he talked about how sometimes he gets confused when someone asks him “how are your kids?” He’s never sure if they’re talking about his biological kids or his students. It’s interesting, I think, how teachers play that role. They spend more time with our kids than we do as parents. I mean, solid blocks of time.
Also, expectations are expectations, whether we place them on ourselves, our kids, our spouses, our friends…I’m really jazzed by the notion of making progress towards letting go. This writing practice has been immensely helpful and timely in my life right now.
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ybonesy,
The condo is great…I think it is helping me cope with my frustrations. It is great going to a place that is “mine” or “ours”. We love it. We are both happier there, than the old dark “cave” we used to live in.
The windows face east, so every morning I am greated with a spectacular sunrise. I eat my breakfast of corn flakes and toast while looking out onto the Caribbean. I watch ships, ferries, sailboats, and yachts move in and out. I see cyclists and runners down on the beach. Sometimes fishermen are pulling up their nets on “our” beach. Its a great place to live!
BTW, the kitchen turned out beautiful! Not as big as yours (but who’s is? Maybe the Albuquerque Hilton’s) but it is beautiful. It’s very functional and very pleasing to the eye.
It’s a nice place over all. Give me a couple of more months so I can have bedroom closets built and buy some real furniture and it’ll be a spectacular home!
MM
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Oh see, the Hilton!
The sea is your kitchen, hombre! Sounds truly wonderful, and I bet you appreciated it even more after being away for the summer.
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Amelia, I was so touched by your comment (I did tear up a little). You tell me you love me. you tell me you are proud of me. And you tell me you believe in me. You’ve been one of my staunchest supporters on this crazy writing path. And every time I hear you say you are proud of me, I just beam.
The relationship we have developed as adults is priceless. I think all parents make mistakes. And so do the kids. But in a true family, if everyone is doing their work, the mistakes are eventually forgiven. And so are those who make them. I’m so happy you are my mother. Can you tell? 8)
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mm, you are back! I’ve really missed you and your comments. I am glad all is well in your part of the world. I hope you are able to visit more often.
It’s interesting that you’ve moved from high school to 5th & 6th grades. I really like that age, about 5th through 7th. I once had an astrologer tell me that I liked those ages and wanted to support kids in that age range because, for me, I saw it as a time when I was really struggling for identity. And the support of one kind adult that believes in you can make a world of difference.
You sound like you really care about the kids you are teaching. And I’m guessing the world is a better place for it.
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QM,
I am back at the grade level where I started. My B.A. is in elementary ed and it was only out of necessity that I became a science teacher and got my masters degree in it (M.S.T at New Mexico Tech). I feel more at ease and comfortable at this level. I like 10 and 11 year-old kids. They can be funny and creative.
MM
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