I remember one Christmas holiday when Dee was about three. Jim and I took her to the annual bonfire that our town puts on for the kids. Saint Nick was there on a fire truck, and they had cookies and oranges and hot apple cider. Jim and I stood on the perimeter of the bonfire. We didn’t know very many people, and we didn’t see much opportunity to meet anyone while standing in front of a giant blaze. Dee, on the other hand, approached a girl about her age. They looked at each other and one touched the other’s coat and vice versa. Then they ran off to play.
“Don’t you wish making new friends were that easy,” I told Jim. “I mean, you just see someone about your height, don’t even exchange names, and off you go holding hands.”
“Yeah,” he said kind of dreamy.
I used to believe that the best friend-making opportunities came when one was much younger. I was still friends with a girl I grew up with since age nine. Early twenties, too, were easy. Some girls I kind of knew in high school went to the same university as me. Our friendships deepened as we studied late at night in a restaurant shaped like a barn and gained weight on cinnamon rolls slathered in butter.
Mid-twenties my work environments turned up good connections. In one early job at an advertising agency, we kept a dart board near the art director’s conference table. We’d brainstorm while playing a game of “Mickey Mouse.” The radio technician at our agency eventually recruited me to his team, and I spent the next couple of years toodling around Santa Fe with my fellow Dancing Pigs, as we were called.
My thirties brought several friends who were new mothers like myself. I joined a Moms-and-Infants group when Dee was born. We met every week at parks or one another’s homes. We traded advice on how to treat diaper rash and where to buy the best breast pumps. Eventually, though, I had to return to work. I let those friendships fall away, until finally, it seemed like it was just Jim and me together, figuring things out.
Now in my 40s, I’ve struck new friendships through politics, community involvement, the girls’ school, art and writing. The thing I’ve noticed about the people I spend the most time with is that we either do nothing together (except talk, laugh, drink beer) or we do something (write, conspire, paint). Which makes me think that while there is no rhyme or reason to friendship, there is indeed friendship. And, contrary to what I thought that winter night at the bonfire, making friends isn’t all that hard.
What has been your experience with making friends? Do friendships come through your passions (art and writing, for example), or do they come from living on the same street? Do you still have friends from childhood, or do you find that friendships happen in time and once that time has passed, so has the friendship? Tell me your thoughts on friendships and what makes them last.
Dee and the other little girl touching each other’s coats had a moment of realization of something they shared, and so they formed an easy if temporary alliance. I think I will have to ponder this question of friendship longer before I can say anything that can usefully add to a conversation about the topic.
But what is it about university and the common ritual of downing cinnamon buns in North American student watering holes? ( And what do U students in Japan, or India eat as their carbohydrate- pick me- up in the brief rests between bouts of studying…hmm?) Your mention of cinnamon buns instantly brought to mind my U friends Dennis and Sharon with whom I used to do all-nighter group-study sessions! G
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I don’t know, but it does seem to be a uniquely American-student phenomenon! I found a link that has a photo of the place and lots of reviews about the food there, including the cinnamon buns. I swear, they must be 3,000 calories each.
http://travel.yahoo.com/p-reviews-2734448-prod-travelguide-action-read-ratings_and_reviews-i
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This is a good post. A thinking post. I like how you broke your friendships down into decades. If I wrote a piece like this, I bet my inclination would be similar to that. I tended to live different places at different decades of my life (I guess I’m aging myself here!) and so had different sets of friends.
My initial response is that my view of friendships has changed radically from when I was 20. Or even 30. I am looking for people that show up – for themselves. And for others. People on, for lack of a better word, a spiritual path. My close friends tend to be people that share at least one of my passions – writing, art, geocaching, motorcycle riding. I expect a lot from my friends – and I want them to expect a lot from me so that I can be the best I can be.
I have to think more about this. I’m hoping other comments will also make me think about different aspects of friendship. My longest continuous friendship is 27 years old. We are still in each others in-person lives every week. We have worked through the hard things together and decided the friendship is worth sticking out. This friend is very dear to me. Because we kind of grew up together.
The friendships I am forming now seem to deepen quickly. I attribute that to knowing more clearly what I am looking for in a friend. And being willing to give that back. Friendships for me are about mutual compromise, honesty, gratitude, admitting when we are wrong, passion, commitment and follow through.
There is a certain optimism and care about the world that I am looking for in my friendships, too. I don’t like to hang with negative people very much. Call me crazy. These days I am okay having just a few close friends with these qualities.
Sorry to be so long-winded! But I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject lately.
I forgot one thing – I look for people who ask me questions about myself. Have you ever noticed how many people there are out there who just talk about themselves in conversations? Or sit silently and wait for you to carry the conversation? I guess they might be the lurkers of the friendship world! No thanks!
I’ve got some really great friends. I feel lucky. 8)
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You bring a lot of good points. What you expect from friends. I like that you want them to expect a lot from you, too. And that the relationships deepen quickly and what you attribute that to. It makes good sense.
I recently reconnected with one of my good friends from the university. We knew each other in high school but didn’t really become friends until college. We ended up being roommates in Santa Fe, and we grew up a lot together. She’s always been the kind of person one has in mind when they say, We can not see each other for months or years, but when we do, it’s like we’ve never been away. I like that we *are* starting to rekindle our friendship. A lot has changed. That friendship seems more important to me as our kids grow up. Kind of like realizing who it is you’re left with once the kids are out of the house.
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I really liked this post. I didn’t realize all the various criteria people have about friendship, and it is enlightening to hear what everyone has to say.
I am of the “touch the coat/run off and play” method of friendship. I do something akin to ‘love at first sight’ with people. I always tell people that if I have that sort of “love” for them, it will never go away. I may not “like” them from time to time, but the love will always be there.
Some of the people I have deep regard for, I haven’t seen in 35 years. As long as I have their phone #, I am still connected 🙂
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Leslie, I admire those who make friends easily with all kinds of people. It seems so playful and a good character trait. I have friends who I don’t talk to often, too. Years can go by. And then when I see them, we pick right up where we left off. I have Montana friends like that who I might only talk to every 2-3 years.
A wise teacher once shared with me a tool where you draw concentric circles on a piece of paper and add the names of people into the circles, according to how close you feel to them. She called them rings of intimacy. She’d ask me to do this at different times and sometimes there would be a big shift. Most times, the ring shifts were more subtle.
What I learned for my own introverted life is that there are many people who I call family, friends, and acquaintances. But only so many on the very inner circle, those who really know the good, the bad, and the ugly about me and continue to be close to me. I still use that tool every once in a while. There is something eye opening about seeing it on paper.
You’re right about the love. I think once we’ve loved someone, we carry a little piece of that around always.
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Leslie, there was deep meaning in that “touch the coat” gesture, wasn’t there? It reminded me of the familiarity it might take to pick a piece of lint of someone’s sweater. You would have to have a real sense of “this is OK” to touch someone like that.
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QM, do you ever find that your writing friends tend to know more about the good/bad/ugly than people you meet in other ways? I mean, if you meet two people — a writer who you write with, and a friend that does geocaching or something else with you — does the writer learn more about you by virtue of the fact that you reveal it through writing? And if the answer is yes, does that mean your friendship with that person grows faster than your friendship with the other person, or not necessarily. And I’m not asking this to gauge where I am on your circle ; – ), but rather because your comment made me ask myself the question about how my writing affects friendships.
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ybonesy, that’s a really good question. And applies especially to blogworld, too, where people are writing and commenting together every day. I think you could even extrapolate it out to the way electronic communication has affected intimacy on all levels.
But for writing purposes – and we do write and practice in person with other writers as well as on the blog – I need to think about that a little more before responding. What do you think about it?
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QuoinMonkey, When I need to “get down and dirty”and gripe about something, or just vent to my advantage, I have maybe 1 or 2 people I can trust. Those are well described as the ‘inner circle’ people. Gratefully, they like me anyway, when I am not in the mood to like myself.
Your ‘avatar’ picture reminds me of the concentric circles.
Ybonesy, I have learned to be cautious about touch, but I’m hardpressed to NOT touch if the feeling is there. I am the large wet waggly dog that someone let in. I haven’t grasped that not everyone likes big wet dogs 🙂
I like the lint analogy, because the feeling is that ‘caring for’ gesture.
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True friendships will last forever. Doesn’t matter what brings you together…
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I have 3 lifelong friendships that span 39 to 36 years. I am the oldest…they love to remind me…by one month. Three of the four kids had a childhood that left scars…but we also had each other and grew into strong, independent women…that allow no excuses from the past… for our current failures…nor hold on to any blame or resentment.
I believe fate brought us together for survival and the “glue” in love’s bond keeps us stuck. It’s something I can’t actually see but I feel it so very deeply. I imagine its the same for the rest. We have true love for one another, trust each other with our lives and share both laughter and tears wholeheartedly. I feel so very blessed to have them in my life.
But I also have strong relationships with newer friends, through work or common interests. I believe what draws new friends together is when people are just themselves…those that can smile (and show teeth), that are not afraid to laugh out loud, that can hold a secret and make eye contact when listening… like they care. Those are the people who make lasting friends…at least for me. I find if you give…you will get.
Leslie…the big wet dog…she sounds just my type 🙂
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Hello. Your entry today makes me rethink my theory that, by the tie we’re 30, it’s going to be hard for us make new friends –and by ‘friends’ I mean the deep and lasting kind. Everybody will have their own circle by then and it’s going to be hard for one to penetrate that. I, myself, have made new pals to hang out with at work but it’s rare that we do so after. I can gripe to them about work but not about personal things — those are reserved for my long-time friends.
I think maybe thinking this way might have prevented me from making deeper connections because of the boundaries I put up. You seem to make new friends. Am I alone in my theory or do other people think this way, too?
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I had that same theory, too, Liz. I wonder what engenders it? It is something we heard when we were in our twenties?
I’ve made a handful of deep friendships in my late 30s and early 40s. I’m only 46 now, so it’s not proven they will last as long as my earlier friendships have, but I believe they will. Maybe because of our age (mid-forties and up) it seems we have so much to offer one another. We are more solid and secure, and I notice I look to these friends for mentorship as well as friendship. And the cool thing is, sometimes they look to me for that, as well. But we can also just let our hair down and whoop it up.
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OK, anuvue, here are the giveaways from reading your blog that would make me guess not only did you have lots of friendships of both the long-lasting and new variety but also that you like a big wet dog-lick sort of friend: a) you grew up with lots of sisters who you still like, b) you can walk into a tiny local bar and not have them chase you out as you photograph them and the place, c) you host the biggest and best Halloween party on your block, make that city, umm state, well possibly country. And the list goes on…
; – )
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It’s so great to read all these comments. They’ve really got me thinking about different aspects of friendships.
I wonder if it makes a difference if we are introverts or extroverts when making friends?
Extrovert meaning we are energized by being around people and less so when we are alone. And introvert meaning we might love people but it’s draining to be around them. And we have to recoup our energy by being alone and then head back out.
Leslie, I forgot I wanted to respond to your notice of my avatar – it’s the labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral. Here’s a post with the history of why I chose it if anyone is interested. Perhaps it is the greatest of circles. I guess I am drawn to them.
Labyrinth (LINK)
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QuoinMonkey,
The labyrinth link was a wonderful read! There are more than a few stories that can come from that piece. It’s a “mother” piece.
I thought the avatar was a labyrinth, but wasn’t sure. Thanks so much for linking that, because it says so very much. xoxox (that’s the old fashioned emoticon for hugs and kisses )
Now I have to go do my version of the labyrinth…it’s called “take me for a walk, NOW”, and the prompting is coming from my dog…
anuvuestudio,
I’m happy and relieved that someone likes big wet dogs! Thanks.
http://www.lesliehawes.com/blackdog/
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Liz, I think you hit on something in your comment – about the way we put boundaries up with people and aren’t always open to new friendships. You are talking about a belief system that keeps you from opening up as much. I’ve had that, too.
And there have been times when I just haven’t had room for new people – I have maxed out my available time. And other times when I’ve been closed down and not feeling social.
I have made some amazing friendships over the last 7 years through other writers and artists. And sometimes people come into and go out of my life in mysterious ways. There seems to be no rhyme or reason or not one I understand. Thanks for stopping by!
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Leslie, thanks for reading the Labyrinth! I sure appreciate your comment. It *is* a “mother” piece. I’m drawn to archetypes that seem to be able to hold all of us.
I’m glad your dog gets you out walking. That can be very grounding. I wish my cats liked to go for walks! I’d be the first one out there. The only one that might take to it is Mr. Stripeypants. He does fetch! But as dog-like as he is, I somehow just don’t think he’d stay too close to me on a walk. 8)
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YB,
Yes, I love my strong, beautiful Sister’s…you would too!
I blessed with many old and new friends…I think it’s because they like a goofball…
This years Halloween is “Lost Vegas”…I’ll let you know…but I’m pretty confident…I already have my bubblegum cigar girl lined up and am thinking…hot dog cart and poker tables in the street
QM, I too am an introvert… with sudden bursts of colorful episodes. I’m just as happy alone with a book as with people I love. Take people that like to go on a cruise ship…I would rather go to the dentist…The thought of being hostage on a boat with Tom, Dick and Jane yapping send chills down my spine…but I somehow manage to make new friends…again…goofball comes to mind…
Leslie…people that don’t like big wet dogs are sissies!!!
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The cruise ship comment cracks me up! I have a friend who recently went on one (familial obligation) and said it was a horrible experience.
Lost Vegas sounds fun. Tortured souls haunting the game tables, women as transparent as ghosts with pasties…wait, that’s real, isn’t it?!
Why do they say people are introverts or extroverts? What if you’re both? Does that make you a Gemini?
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Heather, the bubblegum cigar girl sounds like a winner. I want to head to Lost Vegas for Halloween this year! I have no interest in a cruise either. I’d rather be in a car, motorcycle, or on foot. I need lots of space around me.
ybonesy, I talk about intro or extro because when my extrovert friends want to talk until the sun goes down or spend the weekend out on the town – they know I’m not going to last more than a few hours. I’ll need to be alone and regroup.
For some strange reason, it’s much more accepted in our crazy world to be an extrovert. People associate them with productivity and fun, and as having great social skills. I’ve made it a personal mission to champion the introvert underdog! It keeps me on my toes. 8)
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I like that mission. You should make a t-shirt with a little i on it (capital would be too loud ; – ).
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LOL. I’m on it!
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QuoinMonkey,
Oh, go look at these cats! They take their person for walks, and Oh, where they get to go!
http://wethreecats.blogspot.com/
The name Mr. Stripeypants gave me a good giggle!
And, ybonesy, I am a Gemini extrovert that loves to be alone with ourselves 🙂
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When will the “i” T-shirt be ready? Will you be producing them in other languages?
By the way…Some of those cats look like they’ve over-indulged in cat-nip
and I had no idea anyone else was named Mr. Stripeypants…that’s what I call our Plant Controller…oh…and pencil boy 😉
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Different languages! You’re like a blog commenting comedienne 🙂
Leslie — you two are awfully funny, too.
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Holy moly, did you see where those cats live! They are the luckiest mammals alive…I want to be one of them.
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Wow, the Ginger cats are amazing. I want to visit them in Wales. There was a certain peacefulness about that blog. I checked out the links and what an amazing artist.
Check out her studio (LINK) and latest work (LINK). She illustrated one of Ted Hughes children’s books. Quite the life. Inspirational.
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Those cats certainly are lucky… It’s a good thing mine only read food cans for fat content and not this blog. They would make quite a fuss over not having their own blog too.
Wales is a beautiful place…with really, really long named towns. A few years back I visited the castle where they crown the Prince of Wales…the name too long to type, let alone spell. It seemed to have alot of “W’s” in it though.
While roaming through the old stone stairwells… I lost my pinkie ring, my first ever diamond (well…diamond chip) , a gift from my Pop when I was thirteen. I was babbling and balling my head off and they had every guard in the place, every docent, every giftshop worker and probably called their Grandmother’s… to search through this gigantic old castle for hours with flashlights.
That ring was never found and for a while there I thought I was going to receive a formally apology from the Prince himself…that’s how serious they took it…bless their hearts.
I smile when I hear about Wales now…knowing my ring is there somewhere…safe and happy.
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Oh, anuvue! The story about the ring is epic. Castle, diamonds, father and daughter, loss, searching, yearning.
I immediately thought about the castle itself, or it’s ghost, needing that ring, and snatching it from your finger.
Aren’t those some lucky cats?
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OOOHHH…I love the idea of the ghost. I’m going to smile all day with that thought in my head… :#
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ybonesy: I’m sorry but I accidentally deleted your comment to my friendship post (suddenly a lot of spam has been coming through and your comment was right in between them…)!
Your post was so interesting! I’ve also wondered about this (that Liz also comments), if it’s really true that you won’t be able to make new friends when you’re older. I’m not so sure… It depends on how much you give of yourself to new people, how open you are. And it also depends very much on where your older friends live. All my oldest friends (from my teens) live somewhere else, but I still arrange meetings with them. The friends I have close by now, I’m not so sure I’d “follow up” if I were to move. But through the years there are always special friendships that you don’t forget, that you miss. And in my case, I don’t think it’s ever too late to meet people like that, even though the friendship does not stay active for long.
/mjau
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There is something about friendships made when you are young and awkward and gangly, like you’ve divulged the “real you” to these friends, that makes those relationships like none other.
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Ghosts. Future writing topic.
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Hm… Interesting thoughts, not sure. I’ve always felt though that there are people I could know for a hundred years, and never really *know* them, in any important or lasting way. And then there are those who seem familiar, almost from the first instant. People that seem to understand things without the need of regular language in certain situations.
It’s all sorta mysterious, the workings of friendship.
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Have you noticed that that familiarity can also show through on blogs? It’s weird.
Glad you came by. Speaking of blogs, I like yours a lot. Adorable baby sharks. One of my favorite topics.
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[…] Christine wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI remember one Christmas holiday when Dee was about three. Jim and I took her to the annual bonfire that our town puts on for the kids. Saint Nick was there on a fire truck, and they had cookies and oranges and hot apple cider. … […]
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