PRACTICE - Birth Order - 15min
May 8, 2008 by QuoinMonkey
Yes, I’m a firstborn. With all the flaws, rights, privileges, and responsibilities that go with being a firstborn. “With great power comes great responsibility.” Hmmm. JFK? No, it was Peter Benjamin Parker. Spider-Man.
Maybe it should read, “With great responsibility comes great power.” Either way, there is an ethical piece, a balance between burden and privilege.
Firstborns can be overly responsible. And bossy. We’re also always looking out for others, and imagining the worst possible scenario. There are two reasons for this: 1) so that we’ve thought about how to handle the worst case when it comes along (and won’t be standing there humiliated); 2) we genuinely care about the fate of those around us (and we’ve been trained, from toddler age on, to take care of others).
A few months ago, I was at a poetry reading at my friend, Teri’s. A whole group of us were gathered in her living room, chatting and drinking tea. Two of us, decades apart in age, were firstborns. Late into the evening, someone leaned back in a rocking chair that was bumping against a standing brass lamp. It started to wobble and tip.
My eyes darted to the light. I noticed it right away. I had the thought, “I should go over and upright that lamp. It’s going to fall.”
I didn’t even get the chance. Within seconds, the other firstborn calmly walked over, grabbed the light, settled it into place, slid back to her seat, and didn’t miss a beat in the ensuing conversation. I simply beamed. Slick. I felt a solid kinship with the Lamp-Saver. Silent Superhero.
Later, I joked about it with the group, mentioning how both firstborns had spotted the lamp’s potential plunge to the floor, and rushed to save the day. Everyone else said, “What? What are you talking about? A lamp almost fell over?” No one else even noticed.
Firstborns operate behind the scenes, making sure things run smoothly. Unlike only borns, we sometimes don’t take the credit we are due. Flaw? Or humility.
Firstborns have a reputation for being valuable. Many 50’s families wanted their firstborn to be male. If they ended up with a female, well, you got names like Earline or Fredericka or Andrewzilla (just ask oliverowl). Isn’t there a story in the Bible where a faithful believer was asked to sacrifice his firstborn son? Maybe it was Isaac and Abraham. Or was it Ishmael? It depends on which religion. And I’m not good at names.
I do remember being a young kid and reading a thick tan Bible Story book, handed down to my by my Aunt Cassie. I recently ran into it in a box of memorabilia. It rekindled a fading image of me as a child, rocking in my bedroom, reading Bible Stories out loud to myself.
I don’t remember the names. But the concepts made an impression. Turn the other cheek. Give unto others. And you don’t really have to sacrifice your firstborn — setting an intention is enough to show your faith. The Bible is about stories and parables. We don’t have to cling to every literal word to live a spiritual life. Still, that story of sacrifice scared me.
My mother is a middle-born child. But her oldest brother died when she was a teenager, a few months before I was born. He drowned over the July 4th weekend, while swimming at Clark’s Hill Dam. He had been sick with something like pneumonia, too weak to make the shore. He was only 18. No one expected it. After that, my mother became an oldest child.
Last June, when Mom and I visited my Aunt Annette for the first time in 50 years, we talked about the drowning. She remembered it. And when Mom and I visited her brother’s grave, I asked if everyone was still sad a few weeks later when I was born. Were they still grieving?
She looked at me gently, surprised at the question. Then, without hesitation, she said, “No, Honey, everyone was so happy when you were born. You were a bundle of joy.” Firstborns worry about these things. (Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!)
What I have noticed over the last week, as I’ve been thinking about this Writing Topic, is that in my relationships, I have been attracted to responsible middle-borns. What is a responsible middle-born? One who is independent like a firstborn, but has a middle-born carefree Tiggerness. They like to have fun.
This has been a consistent theme in my relationships. I have not been with an oldest child. Or a youngest child. Only responsible, free-spirited middle children. And usually with women younger than I am, anywhere from a few years, up to a decade.
And when I ask them about their relationships, they tell me they’ve always been attracted to those who are older then they are. I didn’t ask them about the firstborn part. All I know is middle-borns keep me feeling young.
-posted on red Ravine, Thursday, May 8th, 2008
-related to Topic post, WRITING TOPIC - BIRTH ORDER
I’m the Eldest Grandchild on my Mothers side, I hadn’t really thought about the position as anything special until my Grandmother’s Funeral last year. I was asked to be a pallbearer and initially my answer was no, but at the wake I couldn’t refuse my grandfather. Between the sense that I should do this as an example for the other grandchildren (my sister[19] was avoiding the family at the time cause it was too much for her) and the idea that he had enough to worry about without being burdened by choosing someone else, it didn’t seem like I had a choice.
I’d encountered the sense of responsibility a few earlier times but that was the first time I felt compelled to shove myself aside for primarily kinship reasons.
http://www.QuestioCunctus.com
QM, birth order is something that I have had to deal with all of my life. I also, was the first born. My brother D. was the middle child & born 18 months after me. We fought a lot, however I always had a desire to protect him. We are very close now, but it wasn’t always that way! In fact, there were years that we were so different that I wasn’t sure a close relationship would ever develop. I am also surprised that he was able to have a family of his own, as when we were younger I once took a broom to his family jewels, sending him to the floor writhing in pain. I am not proud of that moment but he started the whole thing! We can joke about it now. However, he is a sensitive adult who keeps so many feelings bottled up inside. He tends to walk through life with blinders on. I think being a middle child must be difficult.
Our youngest brother entered our lives when I was 8 years old. Our relationship has always been a close one. I was the one who had to tell him of our Grandfather’s death. N. hated me for having to say those words. I will never forget that moment.
I am very proud to be the oldest in the birth order. Though I often hoped that my brothers would not be too influenced by me & find their own path in life. They have & I am so proud of them both!
Knowing that J is named after Mom’s brother who drowned makes him feel honored, though I’m not sure Mom knows how much. D
My only sibling is 10 years older than I am and a girl. She was the first grandchild born. I was the first boy born into the extended family. I always thought that my sister hated me because I took away her specialness. Turns out that wasn’t it, but I didn’t find out the real reason until I was 54. So I guess I am an only child of sorts by virtue of the large age difference.
My sister had parents who were in their late 20’s. My parents were in their late 30’s. They had changed quite a lot by the time I was born. When I tell my sister stories about their behavior, she doesn’t recognize them as what her parents would have done.
This subject will make an interesting write. I always wanted siblings closer to my age. I think I would be different had they been in my life. Who knows?
I’m the oldest of four. My wife the oldest of three. Once, many years ago, when both of our fathers were still alive, we were at a restaurant celebrating a birthday. Both sets of parents made a table of six. All first borns. I think that like finds like. –mudge, blogging, without your literary quality, at http://mudge.essoenn.com
mudge, love your name
It would be interesting to find out if there were any strong so-called first-born traits at that table of six. If the birth order generalities are correct, I would expect that you would have had more than enough person’s willing to take the lead and order appetizers and spirits for all ; - ) .
Bob, this was one of those topics that I felt I could write about for much longer than 15 mins. Lots of meat. My two oldest sisters are 10 and 13 years older than me, and like your experience, mine was that my parents were completely different for me than for these oldest sisters.
QM, I have three middle siblings, and while I get along well with all my siblings, including my oldest, I have found that the middle ones all share an even-keeled personality. Tigger seems almost too bouncy a middle-child mascot, but I suppose he *is* someone who can be counted on to not have big mood swings.
For Prez ‘24, that’s a good example of family pressure according to birth role. I definitely felt the pressure of being the oldest when I was younger, up until I went away to college. There are 14 years between me and the youngest though. So after I left, my brother J. became the oldest (there are 4 years between us) and I got the feeling it was a whole other parenting experience for my youngest brothers (as Bob mentions with him and his sister in Comment #3).
There was a big shift after I moved to Montana in my early 20’s. I was kind of rebellious then and there was distance between me and my family for a time. It seemed like I moved out of the firstborn role more with the distance (the rest of my siblings stayed close to home). That’s something I didn’t mention - how the distance seems to affect roles as well.
Like ybonesy says, I could probably write a few more Practices around this Topic. It’s good for memoir writing and jogs some old memories, especially about the younger years. Expectations are just so different for younger borns than they are for firstborns. But then, there are perks to being first, and then moving out of the house first. Lots to think about!
mudge, you know what’s interesting is that I can pick out a firstborn and, like I mentioned in this Practice, I can totally relate to the way they walk in the world. But when it comes to relationships, it’s hard to imagine being with another firstborn! Isn’t there a lot of headbutting in those relationships?
ybonesy, about Tigger, that’s what came out in the Practice. But now that you mention it, middle-borns are more consistent and even and not always bouncy like Tigger is. What I do find (at least the ones I know) is that they are fairly responsible without all the rigidity of the firstborn.
They seem to be able to perform well with their responsibilities, then be able to bounce into play and fun when they need to. It’s more like that I guess, rather than bouncing around like the pogo-stick Tigger.
ybonesy, was there ever a time when you wished you were not the youngest? Or that you were the oldest?
diddy, the broom story (Comment #2) sounds like a painful lesson! I’m glad you ended up being close to your brother after all that. I think we all have those kinds of stories from childhood, things we’re not too proud of. But, well, as you said, someone started it!
About middle kids, I wonder if it’s harder to be the only middle child (out of three) than it is to be a part of a brood of middle children where you can gain a few allies.
I’m glad to hear that J. is proud of his name and being named after our Uncle. I bet Mom knows (if not, that might be a good nugget to slip into a Mother’s Day card).
I really like the family names that have gotten passed down. I’m trying to remember how J. got his middle name? I know I know, but I’m drawing a blank.
QM,
I like the concept of “a middle-born carefree Tiggerness.” I knew exactly what you meant when I read that!
Elizabeth, thanks! I’m glad that Tiggerness translated. I’m trying now to remember if you are a middle-born or the youngest. Hmmmm. Now I’m curious to remember.
ybonesy, life with my wife, with my parents, with her parents: enough leadership for the flag ring at the Pentagon.
QuoinMonkey, we’re all like mountain goats, there’s so much headbutting going on!